Learning process

There are mixed things I learned today, I mean for this moment.

I get to know how to approach people and get the information that I need. I don’t know whether my mum notice my changes or not, but I do noticed myself changed, a little bit.

There are encouraging and frustration today. What really encouraging me is the conversation with David this evening. I never expect he would call me up just because a text I sent to him regarding my mum’s health condition. I really appreciate his kindness and care upon a stranger like me. I just met him twice, face to face, but I never talk to him. The first time we talk is on skype, so as this time. What makes me feel encouraged is his advices and also his willingness to spend time and give me information regarding health issue to promote a healthier me and my mum. When I first get to know the things we have to change, I was almost scared off. Those things are too hard for me and my mum to change. We have been eating and drinking in that way, we are comfortable in that way. However, for the sake of being a healthy person, I discussed with my mum this health issue the next day after I talked to him.

Surprisingly, my mum listened to me without interruption. She agrees to make a change on her coffee drinking habits, the consumption of carbohydrates on breakfast and dinner. She is willing to change. I was grateful and glad to see she applies what I told her. I do the same thing with her. I have oats as my breakfast and lunch and brown rice for dinner but dinner usually more vege and less meat. We just had a wonderful dinner just now. Small portion of rice, a 2kg of vegetables and steamed fish. This is the first time I do the steamed fish, and also with little salt and vegetable oil and plenty of ginger. I learn that too much of vegetables might not be suitable for my mum but ginger does help to reduce the problem. Moreover, the dinner and the dish was FANTASTIC! The happiest dinner I ever had, because it is healthy.

At the same time, during the dinner, I tried to talk to my mum David’s suggestion on taking some products. She seem to be rejecting at first but when I tell her the price and do the math to show her the comparison between the PPAR that we are having now and the product. She accepted my suggestion. I am so surprised how things happen. I never have such wonderful conversation because I always think about me me me. This time, I lay the focus point on her, her health. Does she wants to live a life with medication everyday or no medication at all? She said she wants the second one. So, do something to improve your health! No worries, I will be with you in changing our eating habits. You won’t be alone because I am supported by my team and I will support you! She gave me some questions that I couldn’t solve, but thank to my coach for being available online and solved her questions in the minimum time. That’s the encouraging part.

A little bit frustration part is that I met people who interested in being financially free, has big dream but they are too scare to make a move to approach their dreams. I don’t know how others think but for me, when I reached 18, I request my mum to give me more freedom to choose things in my life. I baptized and I have show to the world and to my Lord Jesus, I finally approached my dream that seem to be never available for me. So this time, learning to be financially free, my mum was having objection. However when I explain to her again and again the purpose I am on this (still doing this now), she accepted and now she even asked when I am working at home but not going out. I see life change when you are dare to change. Instead of giving all kind of excuses, you’re the one who lose the opportunity to achieve your dream. I am just an introducer to introduce you the bridge to achieve your dream, if you don’t dare to step out of your comfort zone and you don’t want to help yourself, no one can help you. I know respect parents is important but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own stand. I understand my mum won’t stay with me forever, so I choose to learn the values earlier than I have to, I want to have my own stand but not contradict to what my mum have been teaching me all the time.

I know frustration is part of the learning process. I am welcoming all these experiences like, rejection, frustration, disappointment, lies, emotional and etc. I believe all these experience will help me to be a better and strong-minded person. I am willing to learn and change, now is just matter does people willing to teach and train me up or not.

Reflection

Am I wrong?

Am I expecting too much?

Am I pushing myself too much?

Am I demanding?

I learned to be serious about this but why do I feel ignorant when I am asking a lot of questions? I am not a person who give up easily. I will still find a way to learn even though people don’t willing to teach or they don’t have the patient to teach me.

I am a curious baby now. The only person I feel comfortable to ask is him. I don’t know why. Probably because I knew him in church. That give me a better trust on him. I have lots of questions about the project. From the basic thing to the complex stuff. I am willing to start a new plan to achieve my normal body weight. Even though i tried tried tried for so many years, yet things don’t work, but this time I choose to believe and accept what my partner said and suggested on.

The reaction he gave makes me feel uncomfortable. He is like the only person for this moment I can trust in NL, of course, I can trust my buddy too but we can’t discuss much about that in school. That leave me a lot of questions. I felt frustration. I felt disappointment. I am disappointed at myself, why I can’t handle a little thing? Even though my emotional. I am frustrated because I am not encouraged, not affirmed. What we’re all doing now, yeah, achieving our dreams but I don’t see the team work happens yet. It is still like what I saw in others, moving apart but not together. I don’t know, probably because I am demanding.

I am also a very sensitive person. Something happened last night makes me realized I have done a huge mistake. I don’t know how to correct this mistake, I tried to be unfriend to certain person to give them warning “ back off, back off!” However, is that going to work, anyway?

I have my first coach in my life when I am in this project. I am happy about this and I really hope I can build up a good relationship with my coach but he seems to be too busy or no time for me. I know his dream and his fighting spirit is so high, I seem like nothing beside him, I dream small and dream with limitations.

Coach, if you ever happen to read this, I want to tell you, I hope we can have some time sit down personally and spend time to communicate over our differences of values and personality. Can we do that soon?

Doubting :8

All in a sudden, I start to doubt my abilities again. I start to doubt, am I the only one who is doing what I am doing now? Memorizing scripts, preparing for Wednesday meeting, planning strategy to achieve my goals and listening to the same audio over and over just want to remember what is important inside. Am I the only one?! Can anyone answer me?

Even though I doubt what I am doing right now, but for Wednesday night, I have prepare myself physically, mentally and emotionally to accept glory as well as failure. I believe I can learn from failure.

Break needed. It is time for Ultimate edge, again.

Depending on yourself, is always better depending on someone else to motivate. At least, you’re the only one who is able to work on your own expectations.

Workaholic

 

Just completed my goals for today. Reflection, learning calculation, setting my own targets to reach in 2-weeks and 4-weeks time. I know I started this a bit slower than others. I mean, I know what my friend said is true, “you guys still having STPM here, talking about Chemistry; but I am talking about money and business!” I still remember how envy am I when I heard him sharing this in our lunch. When I heard him said that, I asked myself, “what if I can handle two things in one time?” I don’t do well in my academic because my learning process is terrible. My teachers always terrified me with all sort of threatening words, failing STPM means you have no future..bla bla bla.. it is just matter they haven’t open their eyes and minds to really see, successful in academic doesn’t guarantee you can have a good future. What if you don’t have a good finance education? That’s what the system lack off and this have been carry on and on and on….

Meet up with a friend together with my coach today. Even though nothing regarding is mention but I truly learn a lot. I like the example, their conversation is like a river and I am starting beside the river and trying to collect as much water as I can. Of course, the water I meant is their experiences. I am trying to feel what they have gone thru but I cant because I haven’t experience it. I am sure one thing, they don’t have the experience that I am having, so that’s the importance of sharing, isn’t it? :)

Cough were relieve this afternoon after a kiwi and a big bowl of herbs :/ Well, it works. However, I don’t think it works now. Cough start getting back and the temperature is getting low and lower in my room. Maybe I should sleep at the living room tonight.

I have been reading, listening, writing and memorizing things since this afternoon after my piano tutorial. I had a sudden headache as I coughed vigorously just now. It shocked me and I noticed my mind is tired and I need a rest. I stop all my RLWM and start my role playing training for 10 mins and I approached a friend of mine that sudden pop out in my mind. What I can say, it was a fruitful conversation after so long time of ignorant of each other status. Since we are became brother and sister during the Life Game Last September.

I think the Lord blessed my day with so much blessing today that I get to expose to people’s experience, get to know myself through tonyrobbins,com, realizing I have the determination to work toward my goals and lastly, I AM A WORKAHOLIC!

I know it sound weird to feel happy when you realized you’re a workaholic! That’s me anyway, a little bit egocentric. I knew that :P

Wednesday - Saturday

Within 4 days, I experienced God's grace and the sufferings when someone is really ill but you just don't know why you're ill.

I started to have mid fever at Wednesday night. I thought I am having that because I took a cold water bath (I seldom or never take cold water bath), so I took two tablets of Paracetamol and went to sleep. The next day, Thursday, I am still having fever and it increased its temperature, until my face was red in colour and can't concentrate in my study. To keep my attendance, I just kept quiet and withstand the heat until my recess time and inform my teacher that I am sick. She sent me to emergency department and I stayed there until almost 12pm. I did blood test and the nurses in HDOK is really not up to the standard, because they pierced me TWICE before they got my blood! I was quite mad with that. 

According to my blood test, I am fine. Nothing wrong with me. The fever most probably caused by my thyroid, it is hyperactive until it start to attack the body cell. That's what the doctor said, just suspected. I was prescribed with EES, paracetamol and chlorpheniramine maleate. After I took the medicine, my body start to swell. First was part my head, and then part of my face, my cheeks, my thyroid, behind my ears and my neck. My fever didn't subside even I have taken 6 tablets of Paracetamol within 15 hours. Soon, my hands and my chest start to swell to be red and giving burning sensation. Overnight, when I woke up the next morning, TADA~ That's a pig head looking at me from the mirror! Yeah, don't be surprised, that pig head is me. The swelling was really horrible and painful when I accidentally touched them. 

Friday, I went back to the emergency department again. Listed as critical again. Having high pulse but slightly low bp this time. After observed by the doctor, he suspected I am experiencing antibiotic allergic. For all I know is, I am allergic to Amoxicilin or Penicillin (the group of that medicine). I took EES for twice already but no allergic reaction. This time I don't know why the doctor is telling me I am allergic to EES because it is Penicillin -,- Com'on, EES is not Penicillin, it is Marcolide. So he took away my EES and prescribed me with Chlorpheniramin M again. That medicine make me sleepy and weary after I took it. I took it with interval of 5 hours yesterday and I start to have really bad illusions around 3pm. My illusions were really scary! I am sure I am awake that time. I walk out of my room, sit at the living room and seeing my house collapsed, things around me enlarged and shrink. The most horrible part is, my mum doesn't believe in me and start nagging again. Well, I will take that as her early stage of menopause and forgive her.

Today, Saturday. A day that I am slightly better than before. The swelling on me mostly has gone except my thyroid, part behind my ears and my neck. I have to sleep like a frog so that I can avoid from touch them. I hope I will recover soon. I learn to lean more on God when I am sick. I was really scared when my body swell and give burning sensation. Not because I feel that my end is near but because I have thing yet to accomplish. The only thing that I want to do that time is, I want to share Gospel with my mum. I am ready to face death but I really wish that my mum will get to know Christ and accepting Him as her personal Saviour.

I have been losing my appetite for 3 days. Everything seem to be tasteless or bitter in my mouth. I skipped my breakfast too this morning. I really want to have something, so I cooked some oat, had only 2-3 spoon then I start to have nausea. I gave the oat to my mum instead. I think I need something taste more heavier and extreme, like SWEET, SALTY, and SOUR. I hope I can eat normally soon and regardless the calories :D

Tuesday

Today is the second day after my argument with my mum. I thought she won't want to talk to me anymore, due to her anger. However, my guess was wrong and Gee is right - I am what my mum only left. She talks to me again and telling me her feeling when she goes out with her friends (specifically is her religion's leader). She has always been a pain at the ass when come to transportation. I wanna go for driving class but she refuses to pay for me. She insists that I should wait until I am affordable for the driving class and the car. Well, I think she wants me to be independent and spend according what I earn.

I've really interesting Biology class today, it about development of human. From how the sperm fertilized the ovum, how the zygote divided within 7 days to be morula and embryo and implanted into the endometrium (wall of uterus), and the process goes on with gastrulation and organogenesis, development of extraembryonic membranes. Ovum fertilized by sperm after 2 months is called fetus, after delivery is called baby! My teacher kept emphasized on this, but I just wanna say, I knew this fact when I was form 4 -,-

I had 3 periods of PA (2) and Chemistry respectively. I kept "fishing" during the PA (2). I think I was starving. I had only 2 eggs and 2 sausages for my breakfast. No more drinks. I have cut down my breakfast into 40% of my normal breakfast. Low sugar level caused fatigue and dizziness. So, I can't remember what I learned on PA (2), except the changing and comparing pola.

Chemistry was FUN! We do naming for Alkenes today. I found this chapter is so interesting. Different reaction creates different product and naming it is fun! I don't know how to explain how fun it is, you might need to try some exercise to experience what I had this morning :D

Have 2 small slices of cake and 500ml of water as my lunch. I know I am not doing the healthy thing, but my eating habit isn't healthy as well before this. Decreasing my food intake and sugar intake did help to decrease the risk of insulin resistance to happen in me.

I have been diagnosed with PCOS 2 years ago. I was frustrated and almost kill myself because of PCOS. I lost hope and see myself as an imperfect lady. I thought lady is made perfect if they bear kids. By God's grace, almost 3 years of medical follow up and medicine given are working well in me, I still have problem on losing weight. Besides that, I am hoping to get a female doctor for my coming appointment. I have question to ask her and probably I will request for a blood test. After being diagnosed with PCOS, I start to see how fragile is my life. PCOS might cause death when it is critical. It is a hormone imbalanced caused syndrome, we all know one hormone imbalance with triggers the other as well! Right? Seeing my mum taking a lot of pills for her cholesterol, hypertension, and insulin jap for her diabetes, I wanna make a change of my life.

PCOS can't be cure but it can be prevented for long term effects. The doctors said I have 80% chance to be infertility in future. What I wanna do now is, do my best to reduce my weight to 65kg before I reach 20 and cling on the Lord for His healing hands. Knowing I will have infertility is frustrated but I believe the Lord, I believe what He did to Sarah will be done to me too. Sarah is very old when she give birth to Jacob. Sarah can give birth even though her menstrual has stopped, what about me? I am younger than Sarah, but it is just the matter how big my faith to the Lord.

I am joining Gee for jogging everyday except Friday. Friday is a small group night, I expected I will have to cook and prepare meal for family, so I eliminate exercise from that day and also as a day off for my body to rest. We have jogging at Sentosa - trill hill, Sibuga complex and Tshun Yen Rainforest. TY Rainforest is a new place for me explore. I sweat a lot when I have a walk on that and experienced dizziness, because I went to walk there after I donated blood ._. Complex is the most easy place for me to jog. I will have to work harder, so I decide I will start running in the complex. No more walking, it is kindergarten job and doesn't burn too much calories.

I met a lady when I was jogging at Trill hill today. She went with her husband. So, Gee was talking with her husband, while I am talking to Lora, the wife. She is fair and sweet. She is from HK but she stayed here for more than 20 years. Main point is here, she is a Christian. We did some sharing about our lives, our family, our religion (Hahahah. We are all Christian!). I shared with her my passion to serve in full time pastoral but now the time is not here yet. She encouraged me and inspired me, leading me to see that, I should obey to the Lord - serving my mum before I go out to serve people.

I met 2 people on the way I go up and down the hill. Both of these people asking Gee, whether I am in nursing school. 2 person asking the same thing, saying the same thing "nursing" - I think this is no longer a coincident. Before this, I experienced God give light to me that I should go for nursing after my form 6 and I struggled and neglected it. After that, within a day, there are 3 person asking about my plan for future. I told them I have no idea but actually the thought that the Lord gave me have start to budding in me. Nursing is something can be consider. It suits my interest in medical field and taking care people as well. I take "Psychology" as my dream is because I want to help more people to look into what they really want and introduce them the creator of life, God. I know, I will have to give up my dream to be a psychologist. I believe too, the same time, the Lord has a loving plan in my life.

I wanna get some information from the nursing college near HDOK but I can't get anything, because they don't have a website >.< I am happy because Gee said she will try to get me the contact. See, if something is in mind the Lord, the Lord will send angels and resources that more than enough to accomplish that thing. Of course, I don't expect thing will happen with what I expected because God's way is higher than my way, just as the heavens are higher than the Earth.

I have set up a new covenant with the Lord tonight. I always set up covenant with the Lord because I like to work according to goals. Baptism was one of the covenant with the Lord 8 years ago. The Lord is gracious and prepared me within 8 years and now, I am baptized and will move on for the Lord.

I have been taking care of my mum because I have to do it. I do it out of responsibility, not love. I think it is not worth to give up my future because what I am doing now is just to be responsible. She hurts me a lot when I was young. Something that she done hurts me and I don't understand why she wanna do that, due to my immature thought, that actually affect me how to show love to my mum. Within these 2 days, I keep on praying and approaching the Lord for my mum. I know the hardest to do when you're enraged with someone, is to calm down and looking for their positive personalities. I did that when I was emotional disturbed. To do the hardest thing, it push me walk close to the Lord.

I found a better solution for our relationship. Let the Lord come into our relationship. I asked the Lord to give me the Love that belongs to Him. With the love of God, I will serve my mum, until my last breath. I am giving up my future into the Lord's hand, not my mum. With this, a new covenant is set up, it will stands forever until my last breath.

That's it for today :)

复杂为简单的事之聚

最近的生活不知道怎么了，视乎离开了我平常的轨道。想沉醉在文字和音乐的世界，或许那里容许我有无限的想象，那里有让我灵里富足的源头……平时所读的教科书不在话下，最近似乎又迷上了心理学的书籍。音乐方面就比较倾向于轻音乐，或许我是因为最近我一直在寻找着身心灵的平静。无可否认，真的只有上帝能够给我他那属天的平安。此外，我还在为他的绝情寻找着借口……

在偶然的机会下，我得知他在FB避开了我，我不明白我做错了什么，他也没有做出任何明确的表示。我还被蒙在鼓里，我想问却害怕受伤。受伤一次就够了，被同一个人伤多一次，可笑吗？我现在只想专心一意，全然的委身与上帝的事工，努力地以运动和平衡的饮食管理好自己的健康。我不会要求自己减肥，只要求自己能够健健康康继续地为上帝服务，好好的照顾家人，成为上帝喜悦的人。

我不要求别人同意我，了解我，因为没有人可以做到。唯有上帝能够明白了解我，接受我，训导我，安慰我，引领我，看清我生命的蓝图。我不要求别人的同时，我也希望人不要要求我去做我不想做的事，我不会去解释为什么我不想做某些的事情，因为我解释了，人啊，你会同意吗？你会接受吗？你会了解吗？你会安慰吗？或许会，或许不会，或许你只想我做了你希望我做的事就够了，人啊，你是否有发现你正在侵犯着我的人身自由和我的隐私吗？

我感恩上帝在这世上有很多关心我的人，但是上帝，对不起，我不懂得如何接受过多的关心，求上帝你管教指点。我知道自己不完美，我愿意去改过但是那并不代表你可以成为我生命的代理人，为我说明一切可行不可行的。我生命的代理人是我天上的父神，我听他的，就够了。人的声音太多了，蒙蔽了我聆听上帝的声音，你有发现你的罪恶有多深吗？你有发现你所说的话，是让人跌倒的吗？

简简单单的事，为什么要弄得那么复杂呢？是因为我是新人吗？是因为你对我的忠诚有疑问吗？如果有，请直接约我出去聊，好吗？我愿意对那些对我坦白直率的人坦白我的感受，反之，请记得当人开始论断其他的人的作为时，你是在论断着上帝创造之物， 也在论断着上帝的作为。人啊，为什么我不可以与我的朋友分享我们之间的事，我们之间没有见不得光的事，只有因为简单的事情的纠缠不清而变成复杂化的事情。我知道自己的眼光短浅，所以我需要他们的帮助和观点来帮助我从每个角度来看一件事。

人啊，如果你是在害怕我向我朋友说分享的事，会让他们在信心上跌倒，那难免太看小上帝保护他子民的心了吧？还是你在害怕他们在某个程度上对你们的认知，是你们不想让他们的知道的负面吗？请不要把你们做不到事情，达不到目标时的责任推到我身上。每个人都有选择成长的地方，直接的说，不是我来了数次，就代表我每天都在固定的出现，我有我人身移动的自由，也有其他的事情要眷顾。我不奢望你会了解，因为有一天你也会在新的环境下，遇到与我相似的事。

简单？哈哈哈……上述为本人在两个星期来的感受和看法，也发现简简单单的事放在一起就变复杂了。

No questions

No questions, please. No questions. Don't make things so complicated. Don't ask me "WHY". I don't wanna be mean and say straight to their face what I have kept in my heart since the conversation starts. I respect them as my friends and as they are elder than me, I take them as my leaders and ready to learn from them. I just want to clarify something here..


I am not a spontaneous person. I need to prepare myself, even just an simple outing. I need at least 1 hour to prepare myself physical and mentally. I expect a lot from the Lord in every fellowship. I expect the Lord to speaks to me. If you want me to fellowship under an unprepared situation, I would rather stay at home and spend my night reading.

I don't see the point I need to explain "WHY" to anyone upon my action or decision, if what I do doesn't affect anyone. As long as I do don't make people stumble. That's enough, right?


God, teach me Your way to do the right thing in Your sight but not pleasing anyone else. God, I thank You for the brother and sister's love toward me and Lord when I am stressed up when they start asking why, maybe You help me be patient and teach me to express myself with Your wisdom.

甜蜜的心痛

今天MUET 的听和写的试纸都派回来了。我的成绩和我所要的，还差两个band，但是最后一次的MUET已经近在眼前，我现在所能做的就只是尽我全力去阅读，去吸收更多的字词。

他的考试纸也在我这里。他写的文章是我唯一能够收藏的东西。当我一篇又一篇地看回他的文章，就好像不久之前我们常常课后留在课室自修，互相交换心得似地，只不过他的人已不在了。看着他对相亲婚姻（Arranged Marriage）看法的作文，很多的地方让我不禁失笑，不是他的文法，不是他的用词，而是他的坦诚和直接，他对事情看法的一针见血……那也是为什么我很喜欢和他谈天说地，因为对每一件事他都自己独特的看法，他常常帮助我从不同的角度看同一件事情，他也是一个（在我眼中）为自己收起很多真实感受的人，他和我一样期待找到同路人，一同同行服事的道路。或许时间不对，或许……我不知道，我们还是分开两地了。

和他相处的每一刻是我心头上的蜜糖，
但是现在放学后，
孤单一个人望着前面空无一物的座位却是我致命的毒药，
让我痛得喘不过起来，
有时甚至无法面对而提早回家。

回家的路程更是寂寞，
平时两个人的路程视乎转眼就过，
现在一个人的路程却视乎比永远更久。

下车过马路后，
我总是回过头来看他慢慢地走上山坡，
瘦瘦的背影单肩地背着书包，
一步一步地走着……
我曾经幻想他会回头发现我就站在不远处，
但是那就只是幻想。

现在，再也没有什么值得让我在回家的路上停下脚步，
因为对面的路上再也没有你。
回家的路上变成了我掩埋情绪的路途，
因为回到家，
我就是我家的保护者，
所谓的软弱就留给夜深无人时流下的眼泪吧！

心痛的甜蜜，甜蜜的心痛？到底是哪一个呢？是先心痛才感到甜蜜，还是因为甜蜜才心痛？我不知道，我混淆了……

一波接一波

原来走耶稣的路是那么的崎岖不平的，我从来没有想过我会有短时间内有这么多和复杂的经历。从朋友的突然离开，到被一个长辈言语上得罪，事情的杀伤力越来越大，我也发现自己是多么的渺小。很多年前，一位英裔的宣教士对我说过耶稣是我们唯一的朋友，我要时时仰望他从那里得到完全的力量。很多年后的今天，我很感谢这位现在不知在何处为主劳作的宣教士，他说得对，耶稣真的是我唯一的朋友。这段时间虽然很苦毒但是上帝仍然看顾保守，教导我如何依靠他成为情绪稳定的女生。

我已能够看清我现在的处境，当我们愿意为上帝做任何的事情时，魔鬼就会来骚扰，使人离开上帝。青年主日的话剧很经典，我也曾经经历过但是那段时间虽然视乎没有人来救我，但是在3年后，一次的犯错，上帝来拯救了我，把我带回他的身边。接下来的的祷告读经的日子，视乎是风平浪静，但是我说那是暴风雨前的宁静。无忧无虑，风平浪静三个月的读经生活，在第四个月便变成的评估月，视乎是上帝在考验我对他有多少的信心。

当我无助，颓废，胡思乱想的时候，我发现最简单也是最难做的事情就是祷告。因为祷告视乎很被动，他不能对伤害你的人做出任何的提醒。我只能默默地哭泣，向我看不见但是我确信他存在的神说话。快一个星期了，我每个晚上都是在流泪祷告中熬过去，凭信心相信睡醒了，一切会有所改变。虽然每天睡醒了事情还是好像一样，但是我依然相信当中是有所改变的，至少每天我长大了一点。

我确信我的过去，已过去，不能再对我有什么伤害。我欣然接受我的过去，因为上帝应用他们来让我活出今天的生命。我也愿意原谅这位长辈在有欠妥当的情况下的失言，我会继续尊重他，如同我尊重我的牧师们，我会继续花时间了解和接受他，如同上帝三番四次的了解我的感受和接纳我。