The Truth

Howdy, my readers! I am finally back after MIA for 2 weeks! I really had to say sorry about my irresponsibility but do let me talk about the reasons of being MIA for so long time

I have set down a target for myself that I want to more motivated and hardworking than last year. Not to mention about scoring a good GCPA, that is too stressful to me and lost the real fun of studying. I enjoy studying now as it is like solving problems. In Maths and Chemistry, I found great senses of successful when I am able to solve a question and found the required data. For Biology, General knowledge and Muet, it feed me up with information that I used to lack of to really understand about my system, my country as for Muet, to handle and improve my English. So, I spent almost 2 weeks time to have fun with my study. Every afternoon, I will stay back in school for homeworks and then after 2pm, I will move to a teacher’s place continue for group study with Form 6 students from other schools. Sometimes, I will have tuition at night for Maths and Chemistry. These two subjects really need a lot of practices and example to understand how the formulas and graphs work together to give you the data. Therefore, most of my time passed in this way.

Besides of studying, I also look into the problem that bothered me long ago, since last year. I have been realized that I couldn’t fit in my youth fellowship and small group. I thought blindfolding myself and just move on would solve the problem. However, I got even more bothered by it this year. Going to both of that fellowship seem to be a waste of time to me. What is taught in the youth, I have learned it and the topics are almost repeating every year. In the small group, I have no peers to talk to. Mostly are working adults, aged from 26-33. I know I can always talk to them but it is so weird and I am not comfortable to discuss a topic which I think it is matter to me but it is not to my listeners. Seriously, I am in dilemma. If I have choice, I will stop attending both of these fellowship and attend church service only. However, sometimes, people just couldn’t stop asking “why you didn’t come for youth and small group?” I don’t know how to answer them. They won’t have understood if I mention it. Since my last church service, I haven’t been to church for once this year. Going to church look so tiring to me that there are so many questions. I admitted that I look into people more than God.

However, a listened prayer doesn’t need to be repeated and prayed everyday. God has His own timing for everything. It came so perfect that at my deepest depression, desperation and disappointment of myself, God send a person to me. This person has always been there for a year and we used discuss about all sort of religious topics. Just in a coincident of he stayed back to finish his homework like me, we start to talk about religious topics again, I told him how I feel about my church and my growth this year. I couldn’t fit in my church. That was my first word. I realized I have been restless over last year. I am fatigue and I wish to seek for comforts and healing in my church but I found none. I personally emphasized on healing of God comes from Holy Spirit but my church seem to be forbidden to mention about it. I came from an Anglican church and nurtured in a way that the importance Father, Son and Holy Spirit are equal in Christianity. I got so suffered as I always ignored the touches of Holy Spirit to do more for Him. Another word, I fear of the touches of Holy Spirit. Before this, I enjoyed the communion with the Lord by the touch of Holy Spirit and received vision from the Lord. The peek of my relationship with the Lord isn’t these few years but the first few years I am in Anglican Church. This had been always a dirty secret to my church members. For years in my church, I have been praying to the Lord that I want that kind of intimacy relationship with Him once more. I thirsted for Him to be the One who heals me physically as well as mentally. Those are my needs. However, until today, I am still not fulfilled and getting empty and emptier than before.

My classmate offers that I can go to his church to have a look and take a break from my burdens. I don’t know whether his church’s youth fellowship is it able to feed my spiritual need but as I prayed, I found peace. I also discussed with Grace, my mentor from afar (Penang) and who is getting married soon but still make time to reply my mail. She said it is okay for me to go for another fellowship in this situation. However sooner or later, I will face another problem again of choosing between the two churches which one to stay on and serve. This really strikes of thinking about it. How long is the period of time for me to visit another church? Am I going to continue my journey of life without regret after that period of time and back to my own church? And I also take in my emotional as consideration. Did I affected by any emotional reasons or anyone? To this question, what I found is I am getting frustrated and my heart went cold that I don’t want to go church anymore. I take study as my reason to skip church but I know that I shouldn’t be this way.

I told my classmate that I can only confirm him after I discuss with my mentor. It is not just matter to me but matter to him too. He is the youth president of his church. Offering me to a church as a temporary haven and shelter does matter to him and his church too. But oh, I forgotten to ask him to pray for it >,< Since I already discussed with Grace but actually there are still further discussion but that don’t really matter with what I want to say tonight, so, just leave it. I am partially accepted his offer but I can only fully accept his offer by Friday night because he wants me to be really sure that I am free from ministry in Saturday night. He doesn’t want to me make attending youth fellowship as a reason to push away my responsibility. You know, this friend of mine has always been those kind of easy going person but this time, the way he thinks really shocked and he thinks in a way that others don’t. So, that’s what I can conclude why he can be the YOUTH PRESIDENT in his church!

Overall, my MIA are actually caused by 2 reasons only. Study and bothered by spiritual neediness. However, I will continue to MIA until I am able to squeeze sometime for blogging or when I feel like I have something to blog then I will come back. First topical test comes at 22nd Feb. Chemistry paper preparation is the whole book of Physical Chemistry! I am going to die kaokao if I don’t prepare early.

Anyway, Happy New Year to all! Remember to get more Angpau for this year! And the last but not least, take good care of yourself and don’t over eating or drinking until you got ill in this season of welcome the New Year