禱告得聆聽的喜悅

罪人得救，
是本乎恩，
是因信藉著禱告得救。

可見，
禱告乃是與神溝通的管道。

人遠離神時，
就會懷疑自己的禱告上帝是否會聆聽。
可是人還在猶豫的時候，
上帝已向人張開雙手，
成為人的避難所。

有的人選擇禱告并相信會得到聆聽，
在惆悵得到開解，
在悲傷中得到安慰，
在軟弱中得以剛強，

在病痛中得到醫治，
在失望中重新得到希望！

有的人繼續地懷疑上帝，
然而他們的禱告，
上帝都聽見并在當中工作，
但是人不知道，
繼續的埋怨上帝忽略他。

情人節的前一晚，是那麼的難過。惆悵，悲傷，埋怨，失望.... 從來不明白爲什麽我會不一樣，不一樣的家庭，不一樣的外表特徵，不一樣的性格，不一樣的負擔，不一樣的恩賜等等。那一個晚上，是我一個月來最最最誠懇的禱告。我曾經懷疑上帝不會聆聽我的禱告，但是我相信在我還是罪人的時候，他已經讓耶穌為我的罪死在十架上，我罪已得赦免。上帝不再是我的審判者，而是我的父親，我與他和好。就這樣不斷的提醒自己，我終於能夠安心睡覺暫時放下憂慮。

從學校到醫院的路程，我發現我真的很需要一個人陪，可惜，我還是自己一個人自己去醫院，因為我明白有些事情是需要自己來面對。我等了大概2個小時才輪到我。那時候我在閱讀聖經里士師記和上撒母耳，裏面兩個的故事都是說著兩名不育的女人向上帝禱告希望能到生育並把所生的baby獻給上帝，剃刀永遠都不會用在他們的頭上。這兩名女人的確生育了也照他們所說把所生的baby獻給神。上帝也使用這兩個baby在那時代成就了他所要成就的事，那兩個baby就是Samson 和 Samuel。

我得到的啓發是所求的，上帝都會聆聽但是他會在他自己的時間里去成就我們所禱告的事。每一件事都有上帝的時間，原因和看顧。這讓我覺得很安心。除了得到聖經的啓發，我的情況也算是穩定了，醫生允許我停止服藥三個月並進入觀察期 :) 我見了6次的醫生，我第一次遇見一個女醫生。之前的五次都是男醫生但是同是一個人，還是那部門的高級醫生呢！當我懷著感恩的心的時候，我看見從我患病到現在為止，或許我沒有禱告但是上帝還是紀念我，因為他把最好的都給了我。最好的醫生，最好的待遇（開始到現在一分錢也沒花過），最好的人生經驗。我猜我現在擁有的人生經驗是一般女生都不會有，又或許我比他們早經歷了這些。

無論是什麽事，大事小事，上帝都會聆聽，記得要耐心等候！

情人節快樂

預先在這裡祝天下有情人，情人節快樂， 情人節蒙恩 ！
有情人的，要互相愛護；沒有情人的，要更加愛自己 ：）

今年可說是一個很特別的情人節。還是和去年一樣，沒有情人，沒有愛人，只有濃濃的惆悵，憂慮和恐懼。可是讓我憂慮的，不再是他；而是我的複診期。雖然今年還會是一個沒有情人的情人節但是也無所謂，因寂寞而擦出的火花也不能耐久到那裡去。今年我要比往年更愛惜自己！

複診期是到了，我的情況在六個月來還是沒有什麽改善，反而有更嚴重的跡象。體重不再受我的控制，運動節食對它來說什麽影響也沒有，它還是很舒服地維持在高水平。身體系統也開始排折我服用的藥，每重新開始一個療程，前七天我的偏頭痛都會讓我痛得死去活來。這一些到底要到何時才會從我身邊離去？我不會問爲什麽，因為我知道上帝會看顧我。可是每一次複診前后，我都會很難受，我都要不斷提醒自己不可放棄，抓穩上帝，依賴上帝，難關就會過去了；複診一直在循環著。

上帝我求你再一次剛強我，幫助我比上次更依靠你來面對明天的複診。如果可以，我祈求你來醫治我使我不在需要重複的複診。我今年的情人節要與你過，要對你絕對的誠實關於我的感受，因為你是我的依勒，我的尼西，有你在，我有平安， 有喜樂，生命一定會有盼望。

心 - 網上語錄

有一種愛❤，明明是深愛，卻說不出來；

有一種愛❤，明明想放棄，卻無法釋懷；

有一種愛❤，明知是煎熬，卻又躲不開；

有一種愛❤，明知結果是傷痛，心卻早已收不回來......

爱情何尝不是贪婪与恐惧的平衡？

愈想占有，愈容易失去。

爱是尽量占有和尽量避免失去之间的平衡。

失望，有时也是一种幸福，因为有所期待，所以才会失望，

因为有爱，才会有期待，所以纵使失望，

也是一种幸福，虽然这种幸福有点痛。

中国公共关系网www.17pr.com4l })` O c p p B'N

 

不喊痛，不代表不痛；不說，不代表不在乎；

有時候就是因為真的痛、真的在乎才更加沉默。 

再好的男人，都不值得妳傷痕累累地去愛；

因為真正的好男人，不會讓你傷痕累累。

 

有時候躲著，不代表不愛了，而是不想你為難；

有時候沉默，不代表不痛，而是不希望你比我痛；

有時候轉身，不代表我無情，而是不希望讓你看到我掉淚；

有時候等待，不是我傻，而是為了一個曾經編織的夢想.....

 

明白的人懂得放弃，真情的人懂得牺牲，幸福的人懂得超脱。

对不爱自己的人，最需要的是理解、放弃和祝福。

过多的自作多情是在乞求对方的施舍。

爱与被爱，都是让人幸福的事情。

 

很多人，因為寂寞而錯愛了一人，

但更多的人，因為錯愛一人，而寂寞一生。

我們可以彼此相愛，卻注定了無法相守。

不是我不夠愛你，只是我不敢肯定，這愛，是不是最正確的。

寂寞的人總是會用心的記住他生命中出現過的每一個人，

於是我總是不斷地想起你在每個星光隕落的晚上一遍一遍數我的寂寞。

 

有些人會一直刻在記憶裡的，即使忘記了他的聲音，忘記了他的笑容，忘記了他的臉，

但是每當想起他時的那種感受，是永遠都不會改變的。

 

 

「 再好的男人，都不值得妳傷痕累累地去愛；因為真正的好男人，不會讓你傷痕累累。 」中国公共关系网www.17pr.com { T+]�v%? p ~ e0@+E K

疲憊

知道太多不應該知道的事,
是一種累贅...
我心已很疲憊,
可是我無法從我的思緒中出走..

你說知道太多會招來殺身之禍,
當時我只一笑而過...
現在我認同了,
但是那"殺身之禍"不從他人而來,
而是從自己的胡思亂想而來...

The Truth

Howdy, my readers! I am finally back after MIA for 2 weeks! I really had to say sorry about my irresponsibility but do let me talk about the reasons of being MIA for so long time

I have set down a target for myself that I want to more motivated and hardworking than last year. Not to mention about scoring a good GCPA, that is too stressful to me and lost the real fun of studying. I enjoy studying now as it is like solving problems. In Maths and Chemistry, I found great senses of successful when I am able to solve a question and found the required data. For Biology, General knowledge and Muet, it feed me up with information that I used to lack of to really understand about my system, my country as for Muet, to handle and improve my English. So, I spent almost 2 weeks time to have fun with my study. Every afternoon, I will stay back in school for homeworks and then after 2pm, I will move to a teacher’s place continue for group study with Form 6 students from other schools. Sometimes, I will have tuition at night for Maths and Chemistry. These two subjects really need a lot of practices and example to understand how the formulas and graphs work together to give you the data. Therefore, most of my time passed in this way.

Besides of studying, I also look into the problem that bothered me long ago, since last year. I have been realized that I couldn’t fit in my youth fellowship and small group. I thought blindfolding myself and just move on would solve the problem. However, I got even more bothered by it this year. Going to both of that fellowship seem to be a waste of time to me. What is taught in the youth, I have learned it and the topics are almost repeating every year. In the small group, I have no peers to talk to. Mostly are working adults, aged from 26-33. I know I can always talk to them but it is so weird and I am not comfortable to discuss a topic which I think it is matter to me but it is not to my listeners. Seriously, I am in dilemma. If I have choice, I will stop attending both of these fellowship and attend church service only. However, sometimes, people just couldn’t stop asking “why you didn’t come for youth and small group?” I don’t know how to answer them. They won’t have understood if I mention it. Since my last church service, I haven’t been to church for once this year. Going to church look so tiring to me that there are so many questions. I admitted that I look into people more than God.

However, a listened prayer doesn’t need to be repeated and prayed everyday. God has His own timing for everything. It came so perfect that at my deepest depression, desperation and disappointment of myself, God send a person to me. This person has always been there for a year and we used discuss about all sort of religious topics. Just in a coincident of he stayed back to finish his homework like me, we start to talk about religious topics again, I told him how I feel about my church and my growth this year. I couldn’t fit in my church. That was my first word. I realized I have been restless over last year. I am fatigue and I wish to seek for comforts and healing in my church but I found none. I personally emphasized on healing of God comes from Holy Spirit but my church seem to be forbidden to mention about it. I came from an Anglican church and nurtured in a way that the importance Father, Son and Holy Spirit are equal in Christianity. I got so suffered as I always ignored the touches of Holy Spirit to do more for Him. Another word, I fear of the touches of Holy Spirit. Before this, I enjoyed the communion with the Lord by the touch of Holy Spirit and received vision from the Lord. The peek of my relationship with the Lord isn’t these few years but the first few years I am in Anglican Church. This had been always a dirty secret to my church members. For years in my church, I have been praying to the Lord that I want that kind of intimacy relationship with Him once more. I thirsted for Him to be the One who heals me physically as well as mentally. Those are my needs. However, until today, I am still not fulfilled and getting empty and emptier than before.

My classmate offers that I can go to his church to have a look and take a break from my burdens. I don’t know whether his church’s youth fellowship is it able to feed my spiritual need but as I prayed, I found peace. I also discussed with Grace, my mentor from afar (Penang) and who is getting married soon but still make time to reply my mail. She said it is okay for me to go for another fellowship in this situation. However sooner or later, I will face another problem again of choosing between the two churches which one to stay on and serve. This really strikes of thinking about it. How long is the period of time for me to visit another church? Am I going to continue my journey of life without regret after that period of time and back to my own church? And I also take in my emotional as consideration. Did I affected by any emotional reasons or anyone? To this question, what I found is I am getting frustrated and my heart went cold that I don’t want to go church anymore. I take study as my reason to skip church but I know that I shouldn’t be this way.

I told my classmate that I can only confirm him after I discuss with my mentor. It is not just matter to me but matter to him too. He is the youth president of his church. Offering me to a church as a temporary haven and shelter does matter to him and his church too. But oh, I forgotten to ask him to pray for it >,< Since I already discussed with Grace but actually there are still further discussion but that don’t really matter with what I want to say tonight, so, just leave it. I am partially accepted his offer but I can only fully accept his offer by Friday night because he wants me to be really sure that I am free from ministry in Saturday night. He doesn’t want to me make attending youth fellowship as a reason to push away my responsibility. You know, this friend of mine has always been those kind of easy going person but this time, the way he thinks really shocked and he thinks in a way that others don’t. So, that’s what I can conclude why he can be the YOUTH PRESIDENT in his church!

Overall, my MIA are actually caused by 2 reasons only. Study and bothered by spiritual neediness. However, I will continue to MIA until I am able to squeeze sometime for blogging or when I feel like I have something to blog then I will come back. First topical test comes at 22nd Feb. Chemistry paper preparation is the whole book of Physical Chemistry! I am going to die kaokao if I don’t prepare early.

Anyway, Happy New Year to all! Remember to get more Angpau for this year! And the last but not least, take good care of yourself and don’t over eating or drinking until you got ill in this season of welcome the New Year

Second Day of School!

Just got back to school for the second day. Everything still the same. Same teacher, same environment, same lousy toilet and canteen. The difference from this year and last year is I am in a new classroom now. With better wood table and chairs but there is one broken fan in my class which located up at my position! Woah. That was suffering and freaking hot!

Just got our timetable yesterday and I almost faint and saw those classes arranged up to 1.35 hours! Especially Biology and Chemistry. My desire to hate Chemistry is getting strong but my desire to conquer it is even STRONGER than the hate itself. Well, I will conquer it. Believe me. If I really can’t do it, then I will just relax and let go. I don’t think I need Chemistry to feed me up after this.

Tutorial just started today and I think it was good. It helps me get into routine as fast as possible. I have kick-started my plan today. Stay in school after study time until 3pm. This is just for the first week. Starting from second week, I will be having group study at Mr. Tan’s place. I hope it is something good to start and do some preparation for my STPM.

I went to HK forums since last holiday and made lots of good friends there. I just finished chatting with a friend who aged 31, a businessman, a family lover and he is a Gemini! I am freaking oppose of Geminist because of I had some Gemini friends which I can’t understand them, at all. Well, not some, only ONE. This Gemini is leaving me a good impression and he makes me feel so good about myself. What I really want to say about HK guys are they are so generous in giving compliment and they cherish you. Not only guys but girls. Well, if in future, there are chances for me to go overseas, I will choose to go Hong Kong and meet people there.

Finally, a new year means another year of aging. I used to remember how I hate I have to grow up. However, as time passed by, the more experiences I gained, I appreciated God allow me to be alive and experience more and more. Thank You, Lord I might used to hate to be who I am but Lord, I am enjoying it now. I am learning to enjoy it and I see the blessing you give me through friends I just made. Lord, may you continue to bless me and help me to see more and more of your presence in my life (:

Testing~

Currently writing using Windows Live Write

Attention please (:

To all my dearest readers,

This blog will be inactive since this post is up until next year (2011) January 3rd. This is because I am going to be busy for the coming weeks, for church events, family gatherings and eh..some really matter questions to thought of and need to be solved. Time is limited but so much things to do and prepare. Moreover, school is going to starts in 20 days.

Anyway, I wish all of you a Blessed Christmas and Blessed New Year ahead. God bless you all :)

Jacklyn

Update

Currently reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki. This book would be the second challenging book I ever read, the challenging book I ever read and study is my Pre-U Chemistry Text Book :P 

Rich dad strike me at the first few pages I read once I got this book downloaded. It makes me realized there were seriously NO education about financial establishment taught in school, no matter it is in primary school or secondary school or Pre-U like me now. I'm so surprised that this book actually straight to the point answering about why is it nowadays so many youngsters are getting into financial problem such as credit cards overload and being part of the "monthly pocket clear".

I had stopped reading this book for 2-3 days because I thought I have no interest on that and it was too challenging for me. I have no interest to know about finance since in my mind, I am just a poor kid. I live by my mum's pension. I should already be grateful of what I have and stop asking for more. That was my mindset and to me, there is no financial security. When I got a huge amount of money, I don't know how to use it wisely and end up when the money is gone, I can't figure where did I used those money. 

In between of those days, I kept thinking of a question, "When will you start to live a life that meant to be yours?" You're now living a life for God's sake, for the church, for your family, what about yourself and your future?? Don't you want a life that financial security would be present in it? For all those questions, my answers were "Yeah, I want a life that meant to be mine, balancing between the reality and spiritually (Although I know can't serve both well, I still want to give a try) and I want financial security in my life now on." Those days can be said as the most suffered days I had. I am a passive and laid back person. I wait things to happen. I let environment to shape and allow life to push around and give up. I am that kind of person. Asking myself those questions are actually the other way round of my personality and whom I used to be.

Once I got my answers, I stop wandering and start reading. I don't care even if I am in church reading that book. This is my life and I know my rights. People saw me reading, they keep quiet and walk away and I thank God for they do so. I spent most of my time reading and thinking of what I have read. I want to get rich not by showing off how big is my house or my car but get rich in getting money by make it works for me. I am aiming for a guitar that is going to cost me around RM 300 and am thinking how to get those money. Sometimes reading need to put into practical. 

I am at the beginning of lesson 2 last 7 pages of Lesson 1. I can't wait to finish it but I rather I fully understand and think about it, digest it well than rush and remember nothing about it. However, on the first lesson, I already realized I can make a change at the beginning of this year if I have already read this book. I quit my job as a kindergarten teacher because I think my principal is the problem who makes me feel pressure and also because of low pay. I was experiencing what most of the workers would experience when they are working and I gave up to fight back. As life pushed me to the corner, I gave up and quit the job and entered into Pre-U that I never thought of I will be in today. If I have read this book early, probably now I'm a in training kindergarten teacher having Rm 600+ pay per month and with some kindy children for tuition. 

Well, life still goes on. I won't let life push me up the corner and give up this time. I failed in my Chemistry and got cursed to hang on the tree and at the moment until the day before I read this book, I have a thought of giving up to be a Science student. I think of quitting just as the reaction I have when I start complaining. However, now, I am NOT going to quit, I will work hard and improve my result. Time is my money and spending time to study is my investment, and the result of my study will be the "money" I have in future. Rich dad had just on a light bulb in my mind that my age and time that I have now is my money - not real money la, and I should use them wisely to invest into different areas such as studies and music skills for now. 

I know it will be really tough to put myself into schedule that I planned to aim for good result and early revision next year. However, I will always remember Nick Vujicic. Without limbs and legs, he motivated and touched thousands lives. I, Jacklyn, with limbs and legs and just lack of some motivation will also able to do great things and be self motivating one day. 

After such a long story about the book I read and thoughts I have, lets have something different here. I am going to have a year of resting and family for this Christmas season. I have been busy busy busy for every Christmas, neglected my family and relatives and never got a chance to spend some time with them to talk about Jesus Christ. I am not going to evangelize to them, I will just asking them questions to triggered them to think about Christmas day. One's thought shape his life. Let their thoughts be the one who tell them and change them. 

Attended SIC Christmas Celebration last night, played with Irwinder's Iphone, non-stop praising the formation of Calvary Church's worship team. Their worship team are formed by YOUTH. SBC worship team - MID ADULTS. So, what's the next sentence? Use the thing between your 2 ears to find out. 

I just prayed for a Christmas Present that I think it is too early for me but I still want to pray about it and hope so I will get it. And yeah, I used "pray" to this matter means I am being passive and for some personal reason, I can't be aggressive to this :P

Beginning of December

Time flies that I have passed 12 days of my school holiday. It is nor long or short period but I have learn a lot and experienced separation with my dearest friends, cabin mates, brothers, sisters, father and mother on Hannah. It was painful but that make me most sure of I will meet them again one day, on Earth or in Heaven.

AS December is here, I guess we need some Christmas feel here. So, Merry Christmas to all before it is here :P I have been spending my Christmas preparation, Christmas eve and day in church for many years, 5 years, I guess? This year I ought to have a special Christmas, a year of rest and peace. My schedule is almost full for this month. Family, work- baby sitting, serving. Most of it are serving. 17, 18, 19, 24, 25,26 th December. Serving days on different position. However, I didn't join Caroling this year =D I will get more time spend with my mum and focus on stuff I want to do before this year end. 

My Christmas is filled with the sadness of memorial of my granny and my dad. Sometimes, I don't sure which emotion I should have during that day. Happy? Sad? Neutral? Pretending? Anyway, I just want a peace and restful Christmas. No Christmas tree, No Christmas presents, No Christmas parties, Nothing. Just leave me alone with some tea and books. I know I can't do that to my family, so, I will still spend some times with them-mum and my pets (My rabbit is getting eh..HUGE!) 

I hope all of you will have enjoyed this Christmas as a day of rest and meaningful. God bless and take care.