Da ram dom...

I can always have a good sleep every night. I can't have it tonight and I am having headache as well. Why? I think it is time to sort out all my sorrows in me.

I saw someone on my msn which I didn't see him for 2 months. Something is tickling in my heart. He used to be the most important guy in my life since 15 until 17 years old. He taught me the lesson of life. He taught what is right and good for myself and how should I live a life that's truly mean to be mine. He prepared everything for me and now he let me go on my own life journey. For the sake of God, he didn't know that our lives and destinies were linked since the day we know each other.

I am missing his presence used to be in my life, giving me encourages and leading me in and out of my problems until I can do my own decisions. I was a coward of expressing myself about what I like and what I dislike in front of many. I used to wanna please everyone around me. He told that's impossible. It's either you live a "your life" or you live a "others' lives". Both of them would be suffering but living "your life" is a better choice because you can choose everything that you want and throw everything that you don't need them.

He taught me go and do whatever I think is right until I found out it is wrong, turnaround and start again in another stage of life. This is how experiences gained. He taught me to be independent because he can't solve every problem for me and now I am independent dealing with my problems even fight back when it is necessary. I was a Christian that I obey everything teachings of God and I realized I have finally lost myself in the Lord. I got bullied and everything but I have to kept quiet. Since Clive let go of me, where I started to face the world by myself, I truly realized it is hard to be Christian and it is much more easy to be one by using your MOUTH. I can say that I am MEAN now. My old friends said so. They said I am getting mean and cruel to those who against me with my words and actions.

I think I should give thanks to the Lord for my family background where it is training ground for me to be mature and learn to deal with the world before everyone at my age doing that. I experienced a lot about betrayed by own relatives, bullied and mocked by their words and all these make me strong and stronger these days. I have wisdom and strength to block whatever is hurtful to me. I don't know where do they come from, I guess they came from experienced and the Lord or maybe a protective shield in my heart and mind. I truly thank him for the 3 years that he built me up even though he hurt me a lot when he is letting his hands off.

I am living my own life now. I decide what I like and I want to throw away. I am still not sociable with my peers instead of the adults. I do what I think is right and bring joy to me and I turned back when I realized I was wrong. Revenge tastes sweet and it worth of getting my head into it and turnaround. I was to scare to hate someone because I afraid I would hurt them and with this, I opened a door for others to hurt me. Now, I decided to close up my door and defend for myself. Last but not least, I thank God for planting the interests toward psychology and human behaviours in my heart and my mind. It helps me a lot to take care of myself as well as get to know others' thoughts.

For most of the time, I can guess and predict what's going on. Just like the scandal just started in my school recently about I am having favour on a senior. That is not true as I am not ready for it and he doesn't seem to be the one I have been praying for or maybe I don't know him well. I don't know and I don't want to know him well since he is hmm..I heard bad mouthing about him but I only choose to believe what I see with my eyes as bad mouthing can only be partial true. Besides that, as far as I know, he is not available and I am not going to be so stupid getting a boy friend at my last 2 years of high school life and spoil my dream of getting into University and to be a good Doctor/Lawyer.

I am trying to clearly cut out everything out of my mind. This post would be randomly about my thoughts, jumping here and there. Hmm..

Only vacuum makes most of the noise ( I guess this is what my teacher said but that doesn't make sense, so I think I am wrong) I understand the meaning behind that. Its mean only a person will empty tummy will always make noise, instead those who are wise, they observed, listened and keep quiet. I kind of like this theory :) and I named it as Jac's x Law.

I wish my buddy will be at the bazaar tomorrow since I bought her a song, 沒那么簡單. She introduced me this song during our SPM exam where we were waiting for the time to past for next paper. I don't really pay attention to that until 胡夏in星光六班sang this song then I started to try to understand this song. Not bad. Nice and straightforward. It taught me not to be naive because love and serenity aren't that easy to have. Once it is too easy to get, it won't be appreciated. True, right? Anyway, SY, please be there for the song :) and also 情歌by Fish Leong where you were complaining I sang it way toooooooooo BAD with a E key with my keyboard. Hahahaha..

Hmm..what else?? I had overactive digestion process recently. Keep going to toilet for bu bu but I don't really have mood to eat normally like usual. I guess my conscience start to worry for me about the coming checkup. I shall find way to get rid of this. Sigh. I wish I am a normal girl after all.

Scandal is here but since it is not true, based on Jac's x Law, I wouldn't do any reply directly to the tall guy or anyone and I will still live my life happily, forever and after.


I am the victim and you are hunters outside.
I know you are observing me and I am observing you as well.
The best way to make you confused is to
Write a LONG post with certain things I want to cover what I really want to say.
I had say what I really want to say tonight
And there is only one which meant to be in here.
The others are just confusion for you, my lovely hunters ;)