短短一篇诉我心

从“喜欢，不喜欢，喜欢，不喜欢......”到“应该，不应该，应该，不应该......”到“放手，不放手，放手，不放手......”只不过是4天的时间。我已经确定了，“我喜欢他”，“我不知道应该还不应该告诉他”，“我愿意放手，先向神祷告”。

我也看不出他到底是不是喜欢我，因为他好像对每个人都是那样，嘻嘻哈哈的 (._.) 虽然他偶尔会让我察觉他和我向神列出的择偶条件有出入，但是我还是不是很了解他。我想，先多了解他，才真正告诉他吧？对不对？

他在我要做决定出去宣教的时候，扶持了我很多，给了我很多帮助我短浅的目光去看见我未能能看见的事物，但是当我真的可以上船服事的时候，他又好像有点不开心。我虽然认识他才一段时间，但是我蛮喜欢他的为人。然后...不懂了..世界上没有两全其美的事。我并不能同时拥有恋爱和服事，唯有祷告向神诉苦吧！

暂时来说，我还蛮享受我们相处的方式 :)

My past

It strikes me so hard when I pray about the verse I am going to study today, James 2. That reminds me a friend, a friend that I have since Primary 6 until now. The sad part is we don't know talk anymore. She is joining my small group and as a elder member, I have accepted her but I have scary feeling toward her. Not that because she said something hurt me before, but because I don't know how to communicate with us as she were isolating herself from me since hmmm...2-3 years ago?

I know my past is a past tense for me now. I have made brand new in the Lord :) Maybe, I should build up my relationship with her? I know I shouldn't show favouritism to anyone but sometimes, people, really hard to tahan with their rudeness and ruthless. Especially the younger one, looking at them, is actually looking back to the me which was 5 years ago. I pray to God that I really urge to see life change in them. God can change a junk like me, God can change them too.

I shall pray and talk to this girl, right? But not in a way to please people, but God.

I also need to pray for revival in Youth. I saw our youth has become more commercial rather than Godly. The first thing people saw the concert invitation card is ask, DO I NEED TO PAY FOR ENTRANCE FEE? It is because the invitation card look so commercial and I took a long time explain to them it is an EVANGELICAL CONCERT and YOU DON'T NEED TO PAY FOR ENTRANCE FEE BECAUSE IT IS FREE!!

May God open the spiritual eyes of my youth leaders that they may see the Ministry from God's angle.

绝不言弃

当我知道我能够上哈娜那天开始，就一直觉得很累，很忙，很乱。我清楚现在只有上帝真正的与我同在，真正的能够帮助我度过这个奇奇怪怪的一段时间。曾经为着不需要担心的事，来挣扎，来让自己不能平静下来。感谢神今天让我看见现在真的没有必要把自己弄得乱七八糟，要来的，他会来，一切都已经安排好了。

突然觉得生命平静下来，少了担心的事却又开始担忧平静的后面是否隐藏了什么样的暴风雨。虽然现在能够得到牧师的批准上哈娜服事两天已经是一个好的开始，但是我并不会满意于现阶段。上帝给我的梦想和异象比这还大！我还要更多，更大的祝福和谦卑的心去成就属神的大事！我知道我会比现在更累，更想哭但是我绝对不会放弃，因为这是上帝用他独生子赎回来的生命！如此珍贵的生命却不愿让神使用，一切都是虚无的。

我知道我现在所作的决定，我必须把生命献上，那时一个代价。每个人每做一件背后都有一个代价，而出去宣教的代价就是把生命献上给神，生命不想再属于自己的了。每做一件事，都必须得到上帝的批准。你问我，“值得吗？”“我只能说，把生命献上给神是我现在唯一能够看见我有未来的选择，是有应许和平安的未来。”

从我做了那个决定开始，有很多的事情在我的心理和思想里发生。我希望得到人们的认同，我希望我能够舒舒服服的完成上帝的使命，我希望我能够赚很多的钱来满足我和家人的需要，我希望能够拥有一切高科技的东西，我害怕我的生命没有意义...... 关于这一些，我都没有去寻求人的意见因为我相信我的上帝比任何人都大，有智慧，有能力改变生命！现在我已摆脱了这些困扰因为我要活得比任何人都不同，我要成为有勇气为神成为特别的仆人。我学会了我不能同时取悦上帝和身边的人，而我已经选择了取悦上帝，就算世界会与我为敌。

无论以后的路有多难走，我知道上帝与我同行，我不必惧怕因为投靠他的人必的庇护，所以我也绝对不会放弃，即使我将会失去的是我的生命。

好啦~要念书了：）

为什么，你？

为什么我能够顺利上哈娜服事，你却好像不快乐呢？
为什么我觉得，我得不了你的支持？
之前你不是一直都很支持我吗？
你不是一直都给予我很有鼓励性的意见吗？
为什么现在你是乎很不开心？

为什么我只能够在这里猜疑，
而不能告诉你我也有同样的想法呢？
反之，为什么你不能告诉我你对我的想法呢？
我猜你一定有。

我在乎你，也感谢神你在我最需要支持时出现了，
但是我更在乎上帝和他的旨意。
或许现在你不会明白为什么，但是我希望将来你会明白。
如果将来我们有发展的机会，
我期望我对上帝的事工的热诚会得到你的谅解。

明天考试了。一起加油，好吗？

Praise the LORD!

I met my pastor today and we have a talk about port volunteer. After some talking and deep thought about what she said, I will have to do an agreement with God tonight and a promise to my mum that I will phone her everyday when I am on the ship. Besides that, I need to pray more and even harder than before! My pastor endorsed my port volunteer form!! You know, God has victory over Satan who deceived me that 2 choose 1 will happen :D

I really blessed by the Lord! Within 43days, GOD CHANGED ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT :D You can experience God too, even greater than the changes in me :D

I want to praise the Lord for His faithfulness and all those beautiful people (my mum, pastor Siew Mooi, Eyen, Hooi Wen, Winda, Rolly, Dave, David, Mr. and Mrs. Barnabas, Mariana, May, Mia, Esther, Ana, Refee and those who I am yet to know :]) that He had sent to me in His timing.

Lord, You’re awesome and powerful! You make things impossible to be possible with You. Lord, protect my heart against anything that will draw me away. Cut off the communication of the Evil one and stop him from destroying and deceiving me. Lord, I know I belong to you and because of Your son, I am no longer under the authority of the Evil one and sins!! Amen! :)

为什么？

我不相信星座，只相信上帝。

人与人之间的缘分和相处，是没有绝对的条规去参考。

可是，为什么今天我会去看星座？

一个神秘，一个开放… 那有代表了什么呢？

他简单含蓄的一句话，背后有着什么深意，

我猜我不会懂，或许是因为我没有勇气去知道。

纯属天气太热，家里停电的关系的胡思乱想 :P

无言

难道这是新的试验吗？用马来文祷告对我来说是一间很困难的事情，但是我被选中担任每个星期的祷告负责人。基本上是我去找人做祷告，但是如果找不到呢，就是我上台去祷告。这很恐怖哦！如果是英文，华语，广东话，我也没那么怕，现在是国语诶！看来我要更亲近上帝，求他带领我，因为明天就开始由我负责了！我完全什么东西都不知道！看来现在是时候去实行我时常提醒自己的一句话：“上帝并创造我们的旨意并不是单单地看见自己的极限，而忧心起来。反之，他要我们在看见自己的极限时，仰望他，信任他的带领和从他那里得到力量冲破我们眼前的极限！”"God didn’t create us to see our limitations. Instead, He created us to overcome our limitations by His strength! ”

今天的标题是《无言》，并不是因为绝望，也不是因为无奈，而是上帝的祝福和安排让我觉得，他的信实是不能以任何的言语来表达。唯有静默的在他的里头，仰望他，感谢他胜于一切的事物。

上个星期日，是我十分累的一天。一来是假期时每天都很迟睡。二来是那时不愿意顺服上帝，一直在担心如果把生命献上，我的未来会是怎样的。早上参与了崇拜，硬撑着听牧师讲道。之后，和青少年疯了一会再继续上人猿中心玩。到了下午，我已经累倒了极限！坏脾气也在酝酿着，一直不断祷告，想快一点回家。那时除了祷告，心里也在想：“如果我有一个男朋友，在我疲累时，让我依靠；在我气馁时，给我鼓励；在我开心时，和我一起同乐；在患难时，依靠神一起胜过，一起成长…… 我真的很希望我可以快一些遇见他，我不想等了…”我经常因着还没有有谈恋爱的经验觉得很恼怒，时常在问：“为虾米？为虾米没有人要我？”云云之类的负面思想…

但是，刚才我有了新的想法。人总需要有个伴却不能让这个伴代替了上帝在我们生命中的位子。有个伴，固然好。疲惫时可以有个肩膀来靠，但是真正能够让我们从疲惫中重新出发的，是从上帝那里得到力量。我一直都有在为我的未来伴侣祷告。只求他天天更亲近神，更有爱心，喜乐于服事他人。我不知道他身在何方，不知道他的姓名，不知道他的一切但是我相信上帝已经为我准备了一个合乎他心意，能够一生和我同行在他真理的一个男人。

当我越来越亲近神，我和身边的人的关系也改善了。我和我班上的朋友原本是势如水火，现在虽然还不是很friend,但是也算得上关系改善了。至少大家坐下来时，有话题可以聊。在我班上，最近最能够和我聊就只有我班上的三个男生。我班上是名副其实的女多男少，8女3男。每当晚上在数算上帝一天的祝福时，最开心的事关系改善了，二来是在班上能够有个人和我聊关于一些话题是我不会向教会以外的人说的。就很感谢上帝但同时也要小心保护自己的心。毕竟我是一个女生，有时会想很多男生没在想的事。无论多么能聊，我都告诉自己还不是去思考进一步发展的时候，上帝还有更大的事情要我去成就，去影响生命，去把属于神的子民都带回到他的宝座前。

同时，我也不想去侵犯一个不属于我的男人，因为我不想真正属于他的人难过。只要把自己带入一个情况设想，原本只属于你的一些东西，在你到手前却被很多人摸过，捏过，甚至弄脏了！你会难过吗？我遇见一个长得很帅的男生，他对我说：“我妈很鼓励我去多谈恋爱….谈恋爱嘛，喜欢就上咯…不喜欢，就走人咯...”一个人无数次的去不同的女生谈恋爱就等于了他一直在侵犯属于别人的女人，而他的爱一点也不矜贵，因为在你之前，他已经和无数个女生分享过了应该只属于你的爱。我猜想，没有人会想要属于自己的爱在自己到手前，已经被无数人分享过了吧？我个人，是很不喜欢，所以就算我现在真的很想有个伴，我还是选择等，因为我要我第一次的恋爱，也是我最后一次的恋爱，把我最好的第一次都留给那个只应该属于他的那个人。在等待的这一段时间，我要好好的享受并领受他的大爱，因为唯有神的爱是永恒的爱，不计较错误的爱，我要以这爱来爱我身边的每一个人。唯有爱，才能使一个人义无反顾地去奉献生命。

[看吧！明明说过今天不说感情事，现在整篇都是！恼怒诶！看来写中文真的能够让我抒发我用英文写时无法说出的事情 :)]

God’s faithfulness

I want to talk about God’s faithfulness today. Recently, I encountered with a lot of trials because of a decision I have made 10 days ago. I have made a decision that I want to do something GREAT for the Lord. I want to go for MISSION, go to the end of the world to tell the world about His GREAT LOVE, how PRECIOUS we’re in His sight and how SPECIAL the Lord had made our identities in Him.

I was worried about my family and I felt so hard to leave my family. I kept focus on my role in my family and ignored God’s role in my family. As I continued to pray and seek for people’ advices, I realized when I focus more to God, my worries gone. I am not running away from the fact that my family needed but I trust the Lord will take care of my mum and by His will, He will send someone to take care of her when I am away for mission. If you ask me “How come you can just believe and move on?”, I will tell you “Because I have seen the love of God to me and how serious He deal with me. He deal with me by sending Jesus to die on the cross for me. My life is purchased by God and when I willing to give my life to Him, He will be responsible to me.”

Flash back to 10.09.2010. That was the day I did my prayer and once again come back to God. 40 days passed. God have done a great thing in me! He changed me from the inside out. The speedy transformation is scary and full with power. I once was asking the Lord, “How can this be? Within few weeks, You have make me a brand new people, give me new heart. Not only I notice my changes, as well as people. Lord, How can this be?” When I thought of it deeper, I realized God planned everything in sequence. First, He affirmed me again and again about His great love in Christ for me. I really meant, AGAIN and AGAIN. EVERYDAY! Slowly, God asked me back to serving His people in His ministries. I was struggling and I said to the Lord, “ I am a failure and people wouldn’t accept me anymore. I have no talent at all, what I can serve You? Give me a vision and guide me through really back to the church and start to serve in Your timing.” But the Lord done marvellous things. He opened my eyes and help me to see more of people’s need rather than my ability. I am back to the ministries that I used to be in, Sound System and LCD. Sooner, the Lord guide me to another ministry, playing keyboard in worship department. I was real amazed by how God led just because of my prayer. In this, I have learned that “The Lord didn’t create us to see our limitations and being sad about it. Instead, He created us to overcome our limitations by relay on Him and come close to Him everyday.”

I used to pray to the Lord said “Although I have nothing to give but my life, I still want to do something great for you.” At 10.10.2010, I visited Hannah. God touched my heart and I am alerted about that and started to pray for vision. Since that day, it is another new chapter in my life. I experienced loneliness that I never had before. I experienced the burning of worries and sorrows. Feeling like the end of the world. I seek for comfort from the Lord. I couldn’t remember how many nights I fall asleep in my prayer with tears. Really hard time for me but the Lord walks with me. This circumstances that I face helps me rely more on God’s guidance and strength.

God is faithful and He never fails me. I believe the rest of my life under His wings, I will be safe :D

Kickstart!

I am going to start a bible study tonight, by my own, with the book of James. Well, I never know I will come to such practice and I have no faith in myself that I am no longer a baby in God. It is time for to have some solid spiritual food.

I searched on net about this book, James. What I will be discover in this book is:

1. How to live a life of faith
2. How to live in God’s blessing
3. How to be a doer of the Word
4. How to practice true religion
5. How to become God’s friend
6. How to change your words and change your life
7. How to receive the wisdom of God
8. How to overcome the flesh, the world, and the Devil
9. How to be a diligent seeker
10. How to live in the will of God
11. How to be a faithful follower of Christ

I have start to expect what God is going to do with my life. I don’t know how dramatically my life will change but I believe God is in charge of my life.

Reminder

Trust in Lord.

Believe and rely on the existence of Holy Spirit in my life as my supervisor and counsellor.

Not to depend on my own strength and knowledge but God’s ultimate and super natural love and strength from above.

God will never deal with what you like or dislike but deal with what is necessary and benefit to you. It caused painfulness sometimes but it is a beautiful pain because this replaces you in God’s perfect will and this worth the pain that you have to endure. – RL.

Sometimes the burden should pass the test of time. This is like a process that you getting the diamond out of the stones, moulding a clay pot. In the testing of time, I will stand and grow in God’s love and word. I believe one day when God shows me His Green Light in His timing, I will go out and shine for God.

God has unlimited love and forgiveness and always readied to change me.

I have a significant identity in God. I am not normal in Him. He made me to be special and dare for Him. I am going to be someone Great for God, to influence and to bring the Good News where people’ hearts are weary and crying for a sense of comfort and belonging.

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