The Truth

Howdy, my readers! I am finally back after MIA for 2 weeks! I really had to say sorry about my irresponsibility but do let me talk about the reasons of being MIA for so long time

I have set down a target for myself that I want to more motivated and hardworking than last year. Not to mention about scoring a good GCPA, that is too stressful to me and lost the real fun of studying. I enjoy studying now as it is like solving problems. In Maths and Chemistry, I found great senses of successful when I am able to solve a question and found the required data. For Biology, General knowledge and Muet, it feed me up with information that I used to lack of to really understand about my system, my country as for Muet, to handle and improve my English. So, I spent almost 2 weeks time to have fun with my study. Every afternoon, I will stay back in school for homeworks and then after 2pm, I will move to a teacher’s place continue for group study with Form 6 students from other schools. Sometimes, I will have tuition at night for Maths and Chemistry. These two subjects really need a lot of practices and example to understand how the formulas and graphs work together to give you the data. Therefore, most of my time passed in this way.

Besides of studying, I also look into the problem that bothered me long ago, since last year. I have been realized that I couldn’t fit in my youth fellowship and small group. I thought blindfolding myself and just move on would solve the problem. However, I got even more bothered by it this year. Going to both of that fellowship seem to be a waste of time to me. What is taught in the youth, I have learned it and the topics are almost repeating every year. In the small group, I have no peers to talk to. Mostly are working adults, aged from 26-33. I know I can always talk to them but it is so weird and I am not comfortable to discuss a topic which I think it is matter to me but it is not to my listeners. Seriously, I am in dilemma. If I have choice, I will stop attending both of these fellowship and attend church service only. However, sometimes, people just couldn’t stop asking “why you didn’t come for youth and small group?” I don’t know how to answer them. They won’t have understood if I mention it. Since my last church service, I haven’t been to church for once this year. Going to church look so tiring to me that there are so many questions. I admitted that I look into people more than God.

However, a listened prayer doesn’t need to be repeated and prayed everyday. God has His own timing for everything. It came so perfect that at my deepest depression, desperation and disappointment of myself, God send a person to me. This person has always been there for a year and we used discuss about all sort of religious topics. Just in a coincident of he stayed back to finish his homework like me, we start to talk about religious topics again, I told him how I feel about my church and my growth this year. I couldn’t fit in my church. That was my first word. I realized I have been restless over last year. I am fatigue and I wish to seek for comforts and healing in my church but I found none. I personally emphasized on healing of God comes from Holy Spirit but my church seem to be forbidden to mention about it. I came from an Anglican church and nurtured in a way that the importance Father, Son and Holy Spirit are equal in Christianity. I got so suffered as I always ignored the touches of Holy Spirit to do more for Him. Another word, I fear of the touches of Holy Spirit. Before this, I enjoyed the communion with the Lord by the touch of Holy Spirit and received vision from the Lord. The peek of my relationship with the Lord isn’t these few years but the first few years I am in Anglican Church. This had been always a dirty secret to my church members. For years in my church, I have been praying to the Lord that I want that kind of intimacy relationship with Him once more. I thirsted for Him to be the One who heals me physically as well as mentally. Those are my needs. However, until today, I am still not fulfilled and getting empty and emptier than before.

My classmate offers that I can go to his church to have a look and take a break from my burdens. I don’t know whether his church’s youth fellowship is it able to feed my spiritual need but as I prayed, I found peace. I also discussed with Grace, my mentor from afar (Penang) and who is getting married soon but still make time to reply my mail. She said it is okay for me to go for another fellowship in this situation. However sooner or later, I will face another problem again of choosing between the two churches which one to stay on and serve. This really strikes of thinking about it. How long is the period of time for me to visit another church? Am I going to continue my journey of life without regret after that period of time and back to my own church? And I also take in my emotional as consideration. Did I affected by any emotional reasons or anyone? To this question, what I found is I am getting frustrated and my heart went cold that I don’t want to go church anymore. I take study as my reason to skip church but I know that I shouldn’t be this way.

I told my classmate that I can only confirm him after I discuss with my mentor. It is not just matter to me but matter to him too. He is the youth president of his church. Offering me to a church as a temporary haven and shelter does matter to him and his church too. But oh, I forgotten to ask him to pray for it >,< Since I already discussed with Grace but actually there are still further discussion but that don’t really matter with what I want to say tonight, so, just leave it. I am partially accepted his offer but I can only fully accept his offer by Friday night because he wants me to be really sure that I am free from ministry in Saturday night. He doesn’t want to me make attending youth fellowship as a reason to push away my responsibility. You know, this friend of mine has always been those kind of easy going person but this time, the way he thinks really shocked and he thinks in a way that others don’t. So, that’s what I can conclude why he can be the YOUTH PRESIDENT in his church!

Overall, my MIA are actually caused by 2 reasons only. Study and bothered by spiritual neediness. However, I will continue to MIA until I am able to squeeze sometime for blogging or when I feel like I have something to blog then I will come back. First topical test comes at 22nd Feb. Chemistry paper preparation is the whole book of Physical Chemistry! I am going to die kaokao if I don’t prepare early.

Anyway, Happy New Year to all! Remember to get more Angpau for this year! And the last but not least, take good care of yourself and don’t over eating or drinking until you got ill in this season of welcome the New Year

Second Day of School!

Just got back to school for the second day. Everything still the same. Same teacher, same environment, same lousy toilet and canteen. The difference from this year and last year is I am in a new classroom now. With better wood table and chairs but there is one broken fan in my class which located up at my position! Woah. That was suffering and freaking hot!

Just got our timetable yesterday and I almost faint and saw those classes arranged up to 1.35 hours! Especially Biology and Chemistry. My desire to hate Chemistry is getting strong but my desire to conquer it is even STRONGER than the hate itself. Well, I will conquer it. Believe me. If I really can’t do it, then I will just relax and let go. I don’t think I need Chemistry to feed me up after this.

Tutorial just started today and I think it was good. It helps me get into routine as fast as possible. I have kick-started my plan today. Stay in school after study time until 3pm. This is just for the first week. Starting from second week, I will be having group study at Mr. Tan’s place. I hope it is something good to start and do some preparation for my STPM.

I went to HK forums since last holiday and made lots of good friends there. I just finished chatting with a friend who aged 31, a businessman, a family lover and he is a Gemini! I am freaking oppose of Geminist because of I had some Gemini friends which I can’t understand them, at all. Well, not some, only ONE. This Gemini is leaving me a good impression and he makes me feel so good about myself. What I really want to say about HK guys are they are so generous in giving compliment and they cherish you. Not only guys but girls. Well, if in future, there are chances for me to go overseas, I will choose to go Hong Kong and meet people there.

Finally, a new year means another year of aging. I used to remember how I hate I have to grow up. However, as time passed by, the more experiences I gained, I appreciated God allow me to be alive and experience more and more. Thank You, Lord I might used to hate to be who I am but Lord, I am enjoying it now. I am learning to enjoy it and I see the blessing you give me through friends I just made. Lord, may you continue to bless me and help me to see more and more of your presence in my life (:

Testing~

Currently writing using Windows Live Write

Attention please (:

To all my dearest readers,

This blog will be inactive since this post is up until next year (2011) January 3rd. This is because I am going to be busy for the coming weeks, for church events, family gatherings and eh..some really matter questions to thought of and need to be solved. Time is limited but so much things to do and prepare. Moreover, school is going to starts in 20 days.

Anyway, I wish all of you a Blessed Christmas and Blessed New Year ahead. God bless you all :)

Jacklyn

Update

Currently reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki. This book would be the second challenging book I ever read, the challenging book I ever read and study is my Pre-U Chemistry Text Book :P 

Rich dad strike me at the first few pages I read once I got this book downloaded. It makes me realized there were seriously NO education about financial establishment taught in school, no matter it is in primary school or secondary school or Pre-U like me now. I'm so surprised that this book actually straight to the point answering about why is it nowadays so many youngsters are getting into financial problem such as credit cards overload and being part of the "monthly pocket clear".

I had stopped reading this book for 2-3 days because I thought I have no interest on that and it was too challenging for me. I have no interest to know about finance since in my mind, I am just a poor kid. I live by my mum's pension. I should already be grateful of what I have and stop asking for more. That was my mindset and to me, there is no financial security. When I got a huge amount of money, I don't know how to use it wisely and end up when the money is gone, I can't figure where did I used those money. 

In between of those days, I kept thinking of a question, "When will you start to live a life that meant to be yours?" You're now living a life for God's sake, for the church, for your family, what about yourself and your future?? Don't you want a life that financial security would be present in it? For all those questions, my answers were "Yeah, I want a life that meant to be mine, balancing between the reality and spiritually (Although I know can't serve both well, I still want to give a try) and I want financial security in my life now on." Those days can be said as the most suffered days I had. I am a passive and laid back person. I wait things to happen. I let environment to shape and allow life to push around and give up. I am that kind of person. Asking myself those questions are actually the other way round of my personality and whom I used to be.

Once I got my answers, I stop wandering and start reading. I don't care even if I am in church reading that book. This is my life and I know my rights. People saw me reading, they keep quiet and walk away and I thank God for they do so. I spent most of my time reading and thinking of what I have read. I want to get rich not by showing off how big is my house or my car but get rich in getting money by make it works for me. I am aiming for a guitar that is going to cost me around RM 300 and am thinking how to get those money. Sometimes reading need to put into practical. 

I am at the beginning of lesson 2 last 7 pages of Lesson 1. I can't wait to finish it but I rather I fully understand and think about it, digest it well than rush and remember nothing about it. However, on the first lesson, I already realized I can make a change at the beginning of this year if I have already read this book. I quit my job as a kindergarten teacher because I think my principal is the problem who makes me feel pressure and also because of low pay. I was experiencing what most of the workers would experience when they are working and I gave up to fight back. As life pushed me to the corner, I gave up and quit the job and entered into Pre-U that I never thought of I will be in today. If I have read this book early, probably now I'm a in training kindergarten teacher having Rm 600+ pay per month and with some kindy children for tuition. 

Well, life still goes on. I won't let life push me up the corner and give up this time. I failed in my Chemistry and got cursed to hang on the tree and at the moment until the day before I read this book, I have a thought of giving up to be a Science student. I think of quitting just as the reaction I have when I start complaining. However, now, I am NOT going to quit, I will work hard and improve my result. Time is my money and spending time to study is my investment, and the result of my study will be the "money" I have in future. Rich dad had just on a light bulb in my mind that my age and time that I have now is my money - not real money la, and I should use them wisely to invest into different areas such as studies and music skills for now. 

I know it will be really tough to put myself into schedule that I planned to aim for good result and early revision next year. However, I will always remember Nick Vujicic. Without limbs and legs, he motivated and touched thousands lives. I, Jacklyn, with limbs and legs and just lack of some motivation will also able to do great things and be self motivating one day. 

After such a long story about the book I read and thoughts I have, lets have something different here. I am going to have a year of resting and family for this Christmas season. I have been busy busy busy for every Christmas, neglected my family and relatives and never got a chance to spend some time with them to talk about Jesus Christ. I am not going to evangelize to them, I will just asking them questions to triggered them to think about Christmas day. One's thought shape his life. Let their thoughts be the one who tell them and change them. 

Attended SIC Christmas Celebration last night, played with Irwinder's Iphone, non-stop praising the formation of Calvary Church's worship team. Their worship team are formed by YOUTH. SBC worship team - MID ADULTS. So, what's the next sentence? Use the thing between your 2 ears to find out. 

I just prayed for a Christmas Present that I think it is too early for me but I still want to pray about it and hope so I will get it. And yeah, I used "pray" to this matter means I am being passive and for some personal reason, I can't be aggressive to this :P

Beginning of December

Time flies that I have passed 12 days of my school holiday. It is nor long or short period but I have learn a lot and experienced separation with my dearest friends, cabin mates, brothers, sisters, father and mother on Hannah. It was painful but that make me most sure of I will meet them again one day, on Earth or in Heaven.

AS December is here, I guess we need some Christmas feel here. So, Merry Christmas to all before it is here :P I have been spending my Christmas preparation, Christmas eve and day in church for many years, 5 years, I guess? This year I ought to have a special Christmas, a year of rest and peace. My schedule is almost full for this month. Family, work- baby sitting, serving. Most of it are serving. 17, 18, 19, 24, 25,26 th December. Serving days on different position. However, I didn't join Caroling this year =D I will get more time spend with my mum and focus on stuff I want to do before this year end. 

My Christmas is filled with the sadness of memorial of my granny and my dad. Sometimes, I don't sure which emotion I should have during that day. Happy? Sad? Neutral? Pretending? Anyway, I just want a peace and restful Christmas. No Christmas tree, No Christmas presents, No Christmas parties, Nothing. Just leave me alone with some tea and books. I know I can't do that to my family, so, I will still spend some times with them-mum and my pets (My rabbit is getting eh..HUGE!) 

I hope all of you will have enjoyed this Christmas as a day of rest and meaningful. God bless and take care.

Saturday hotness :)

I can hardly open my eyes now but I am going to Hannah at 3pm :/ Now is already 1.39pm. I have to bath and pack up my chord sheets for tonight :DD

When I slept late last night and wake up really early this morning, I already know I will be a dead body today. I planned to wake up at 8 but I woke up 5 as my area was black out, 6 my mum woke me up and I can't continue to sleep due to the heat. 2 hours doing nothing, just do some writing to list out what I have to learn by this holiday, some planning for next year on school duty and academic aims and eh. spend the longest time inside the bathroom with cold water. I usually finish bathing in 15-20mins but I stayed inside for 35 mins today. hahahahaha..

Went out with friend for a short outing, sharing, teasing and laughing. Back to church, the most challenging were already waiting for me. Once I arrived, start practice the dance "I love Jesus" for the audition to perform on 17-19 Dec. If I didn't have that conversation last night, I guess I won't have the faith and strength to motivate myself to do well and enjoy this super sweaty dance. After dancing, it was drama practice "Tomorrow". For the very first time, I have an aim on such thing, I meant performing on stage as a performer, not a musician. I want to be the Narrator or the Jesus character. Just either one. I don't want to be the main, it needs to be very emotional and childish - to me it is childish for a girl to keep bully his boy friend. So, eh.. I will keep my positive minded and move on until the day of audition.

After dnd, I am finally home with some wonderful food. I got hungry at 10.45am when I were still in the audition. Hungry makes an angry man and hungry makes me angry :( Now, I am full and comfortable. There are still many practices waiting for me, "Heaven is counting on You", "One", "God is so good". 1 dance, 2 songs :) 

Self motivating...............stuff packing.....preparing speech for tonight (OMG!) about thanksgiving. ...challenging...but, I will stop saying Never but DO IT RIGHT :D

What a tired day!

I think I have the most craziest day today. Sharing my time evenly for family, ministry and small group. Every aspect are well taken care of but there's a price to pay, fatigue!

Tomorrow SBC is going up to Hannah at night. I am so excited for that because I miss my friends and the food so much! Muack for all the Korean Food and Philippians Food. Wohoo~

Time to go, I have another conversation waiting for me in Facebook :D

Holiday kickstart!

Today is the first day of the first week of my holiday. I am already bored with it. I want to study for my Chemistry but my laziness drag me back. Tomorrow would be the first day I serve as "junior" staff. Hmm..

I thought holiday will be really exciting but I am so bored now :( I need find something to do instead of sitting before the laptop. However, I found something interesting. I just found out I used to be someone's first love. LOL. That's the most funny information I got. I dislike that guy up to the fullest yet his friend said I am his first love. *puke out all my breakfast*

We don't even started for a relationship, how come I would be his "first love"? Plus, I don't think he is treating me the same way as his friend said. He is being mean to me and spread rumour and "promoting" my blog all over the Facebook. I have decided to make another blog that I will only make known to some people that I have selected. 

This is going to be a boring holiday, anyway. Unless .......

Something new

I learn something new today, from a conversation with my friend that had been MIA (Missing in Action) for some months.

Accept your weaknesses and don't shy to let others know (in school la) but don't lied.

Make your weaknesses as your strong points because that's the thing people don't own but you do. 

Sometimes, I used to think what kind of person I want to be. I don't want to be someone who always got bullied or affected by others. I want to be someone who is able to fight back in a manner that people won't realized but do bring affect on them. I should experience more and learn more from this friend of mine. I just wish he won't MIA for another 6 months again..hehehe..

I don't know how I should express myself today. I am happy, nervous, happy, nervous and hyper now, with migraine! I just want to say thank you to two gentlemen that send me to church and send me home just now :D Thanks, gentlemen! 

Learn the difference between fetching and pick me up/send me home/other destination. Fetching is meant for animal, said SH :P