成长

我个人认为，相片能够记载一个人成长的过程。当我重复地看回自己以前的照片时，我发觉自己的样子并没有太大的改变，还是那样的圆但是不同的是，心態不同了。

闊別8個月，大家都已經進入了生命的另一個階段。曾經十分友好的五個人，現在變成了四個。看着大家都成長了，心中不僅有一種感慨。米雪工作了，成為了一位幼稚園老師，還是那樣的圓，還是時常被我欺負。憶雯進學院了，現在拿着Foundation in Science，我十分看好他因為他是我們當中成績最好的一個也算是追求夢想最成功的一位。我和必媚都進了大學先修班，在學校必媚都有了自己的朋友。至于我呢，我還是比較喜歡“君子之交淡如水”的方式與人相處所以要好的朋友一個也沒有，普通的朋友和小人卻處處都是。呵呵呵呵…但是我還是很喜歡回去上課。我在康復課程里學會我的價值是從神那里來而不是人所能滿足的。現在，只要做好自己的本份就好了 =)

附上照片數張:

     

雖然容貌上沒有太多的改變但是我相信大家的思想的成熟度都應該有大大地提升，處世的態度都越來越看的開。看見照片中的自己，發現自己成長了不少。我學會了欣賞自己，學會了有更寬大的心胸去看待每一間事，學會了顧及自己的情緒等等。很開心自己成長了。或者還有一部分的我還未成長過，仍然停留在一樣的階段。我依然無法放下我應該放下的人。我早知道我們不會有結果但是依然死命抓緊他。我曾經了解過點解我會這樣，我也試過要放手但是到今天為止我依然很執着。即使我們已經很久沒有再聯絡了但是有時經不起想念的折磨還是會看看我們之前的聊天記錄，想從那里得到一些些的安慰和鼓勵。他，對我曾經很重要但是那是曾經。我希望我可以，我能夠漸漸忘記他，打開心中的鎖去接受其他人。

康泰旅行團的事曾經令我為他憂心。雖然我知道他一定會叫我不用擔心他但是多多少少都會擔心他。只要那件事和他的國家和他所在的地方有關系，我就會十分緊張雖然我知道他永遠都不會知道我在為他擔心。看見他在FB的update, “Sweetness I don’t deserve, bitterness I can swallon”我不知道點解他會有這樣的感想但是我相信他會沒事的。

“喂，傻妹依然記得你講過得話！要活得開心，覺得對就做直到我發覺是錯的時候才改。我一直都有記住照做，我也生活地好開心。我同時都開始在上生命康復課程，雖然我不愿意面對我的過去但是要好返就要這樣。不如你的傻妹都做得到的事，你，一定做得到！=)

Sad news

I believe most of us read the news about a group of Hong Kong people got killed in Philippians where this group of people should enjoy and have a good holiday over there.

This news make to start to think of a lot of questions that I never concern with. What’s the purpose for that guy to do so and killing those Hong Kong travelers? Where is the unity? What the world is going on now? Where is the religion stand when that was happening? This group of people got killed because of one’s revengeful thought and attitudes that planned or caused by others who used to hurt him or whatsoever, I don’t know.

To me, this is really a sad news even though I know everyday there are people dying. This is just not a simple killing incident but something going to affect the diplomatic relationship between Philippians and Hong Kong. These two countries are having different cultures, different races, education standard(maybe), government system, and even the way they lives. I hope and pray that there will not be any persecution toward Philippians that work in Hong Kong and no more killing incident happened in Philippians toward Hong Kong people or other countries’. For now, both countries’ leaders should have wisdom and patient to deal with the matter and ensure the peaceful relationship between them continues.

If this is not settle in a right way, war might happens, persecution might happen, the same case might happens again.

What the world is going on now? Why suddenly this guy will attack that bunch of Hong Kong people? Can Hong Kong people stop blaming and be wise in this matter? It is okay to be angry but have to rational as well. Killing this guy doesn’t fix the thing. Put aside the nationality, we are all human being. No one has the right to take away others’ lives. He had done the wrong things, he should be punished but not be killed. At the same time, if we can’t be rational and want to put him to death as a punishment of killing those people, what is the difference between us and that guy? We are having the same psychological abnormality in this matter like him when he was doing that.

So, forgive and keep in mind to sharpen the security of Philippians and the awareness of travelers as they stepped out from their countries.

星期六

转眼间，今天已经是星期六了。时间过得好快，让我来不及把回忆收好作为纪念，快的让我措手不及… … 心情越来越沉重，快讓我喘不過氣來。心情的沉重不是沒有原因，只是自己一直執着想回想這整個星期發生的事情。這整個星期我過得不快樂，回憶的大浪不斷地在向我沖來，以前有意識避開去想的事情不斷地來接近我。有幾次都哭了出來，我到底何時才能擺脫這一切？

現在的果是以前種下的因。如果我以前沒有時常逼自己逃避，把不開心的事以掩蓋的方式埋在心里最深處，我今天就不會有失憶的事情發生。我不知道為什么我會記不起這整個星期的事，我很亂，我不知道我該向誰說，這一切的發生只能怪我自己離開了上帝的道，行在欲念的懲罰。到底有誰能告訴我，我怎么了？為什么我會變了這個樣子？我真的徹底的破碎了嗎？我希望得到醫治，得到重整！我還能堅持多久呢？

我對自己失憶的狀態感到害怕。我怕那一天我又會再忘記什么的。如果我現在可以看見里面的自己，我想對他說，對不起。我從一開始就不應該逼你逃避問題，不應該有什么問題就閉上眼睛，把問題當成包裹，在心里挖個洞，把包裹丟進去埋上就以為問題就會解決了。我把苦毒都埋自己的心里，讓你受苦了。現在這已變成了我的習慣。有什么不如意的事情，問題就會立刻被埋在心里，已經不再需要我的控制了。是我害了我自己，我不應該這樣做。我知道生命不能重來，所以我答應你，不會再這樣做了。我答應你，不論多難過，我也不會再不負責任把問題丟給你，逃避問題。

我知道我現在哭過后，睡醒了，問題還在，我也承認自己有很多未能解決的問題和已經是破碎的人。我不是在貶低自己而是只有這樣我才饑渴地得到醫治，只有這樣，我才會在神里得到醫治，重新在他那里成長茁壯。耶穌，我仍然記得你讓我看見的異像，你手中的種子，蔚藍的天空，青色的草地，一棵茁壯茂盛的大樹。你告訴過我，在你里面，我有一天也能像那棵大樹一樣，茁壯茂盛結屬于你的果子。我依然相信。我不知道我還能堅持多久但是我會一直相信你曾讓我親眼看見的東西 =’)

救我！

承受不了了…救救我吧！賜予我力量和慈悲的心去原諒他們。

神，我需要你在我每一天的道路來帶領我。
尤其是這幾個星期，
以前的回憶如潮水似的沖擊我時，
求你幫助我誠實面對自己的問題，
誠實面對自己的情感，
勇敢地把他們寫出來。

求你帶我走出惡夢，
以你的真理作為我束腰的帶子，
以你的公義作為我遮胸的護心鏡，
以你的平安的福音作為我腳上的鞋子，
以你的信實作為我的盾牌，
以你的救恩作為我的頭盔，
以你的圣靈作為我的寶劍，
把一切阻止我回到神身邊的惡者趕走，
我要靠着圣靈和你賜予我的方言禱告祈求。

我知道我靠着神必不會有失，
我必然得勝！

求你繼續幫助我為你寫下我過去的怨恨，悔恨，傷害，苦毒
因為他們不屬于你的子民。
求你幫助我為你寫下我饒恕自己，饒恕別人，
接受自己和別人的
第一頁。

康复课程 week 1

我昨晚很順利地跟他們去到了上課程的地方。很奇怪的是，在路上，我不曾有很抗拒的感覺。我也承認我是有這個需要去上這個課程。我知道我自己有問題，是人無法幫我解決的問題，只有上帝可以。雖然和參與課程的人都不是很熟但是我相信在未來的9周，我們可以慢慢地建立對彼此的信任。12 個人當中，我認識的有4個。還不錯吧？但是現在說到要在他們面前訴說我不想回想的過去還是有一點難度 :/ 但是我愿意作出配合，有受教的心，讓自己慢慢的康復起來。

我同意每個人都是破碎的人但是不是每個人愿意去承認自己是破碎的。我也不知道我是憑什么去承認自己是破碎的，或許是我性格上的突變吧！無論如果，既然知道自己是破碎的就應該從神那里得到醫治，從新康復起來為神活出一個有意義的生命。

至于，我學了些什么，我不能在這里說因為那是我最不想想起過去，我不能讓任何人用我的過去再次來傷害我。總而言之，我現在的思緒很亂，過去的東西一直在腦海中重復又重復播放着。我不能說這些是折磨，也算是折磨但是我相信依靠神我一定能得勝！

大家一起加油吧！

Support

I just want to say, friends, don't look into success too much and don't look down failure. Take everything with a neutral heart. The world might judged you how well you done in your exam, how high is your grade in your working, how much money do you earn, how many houses you owned, how pretty/handsome is you and more materialistic comparisons. However, at the end of your life, those materialistic don't provide anything to you. What you left is just how happy you are when you're living this life. That's the last remaining treasure you will have in your breath. Start from now on, be hardworking to keep more of this treasure in your mind. They are priceless and no one can judge with it and no one can ever steal it away from you.

There might be failure in our works, study or relationships, unless you are dying the next day, or else, you can have new starting again. I am only 18 but I have myself restarted my life, refocus my life for more than 5 times. Within the failures that I ever encounter, I learn more and I treasure more of my life as I keep learning for my mistakes.

Don't afraid of mistake because they help you to be a better person.

Cheer up, friends :D There are no problem or failure bigger than our God.

康復課程

康復課程，我應該去嗎？

今天Mr Hing在上第一課的時候說放學后要見見我，我還以為我犯了什么事，害我擔心了整天。我的擔心不是沒有原因的。我之前是沒有中選當巡查員，是這位好老師，我主內的好姐妹的丈夫愿意給我機會去嘗試。從那天，我就告訴自己，我要好好地當一個盡責的副班長和巡查員。雖然會是很辛苦但是為將來，現在受一點苦，哭一哭，忍一忍，日子就過去了 :) 當我知道Mr Hing要在放學見我時，我就開始在想我是否有犯了自己不自覺的錯誤，是否有人看見了去打小報告。心中開始懷疑幾個人。

這種忐忑不定的感覺真難受！更難受的是，今天有三節數學（2），快被老師逼瘋了！明明告訴他太快了！！我跟不上，他竟然教快一點 == 今天做proving Sin Tan Cos 和 Double Angle, half angle equations已經做地我頭昏腦脹但是老師的速度卻沒有停下來。最刺激的在最后，放學前，他慢慢停了下來，說了一些讓我幾乎崩潰的事。那就是，還有五天就開始考的那個試，里面包括了今天的Sin Tan Cos 和整個chapter @,@那時我突然好像罵粗話！但是那也是于事無補，就只好靜靜閉上嘴巴多做些復習，少睡一點，吃少一點，等考試過了就好了。

好不容易熬到放學，就立刻跑去辦公室找Mr Hing。在里面等了他大約十五分鐘卻不見他的蹤影就到辦公室外的涼亭坐下休息順便溫習功課。心里還是忐忑不定但是我十分相信Hing是不會罵我的因為他是一個好好先生。快上課的時候，他來了。開始就和我隨便聊聊有的沒的然后才告訴我關于他教會的康復課程并問我有沒有興趣一起參加。談話當中，他一直和我保持眼神的交流，讓我覺得他是有真誠要幫助我。我想了想，就答應他我有興趣參加。我媽也同意讓我參加。

算一算，也有4個月沒有回教會了。曾經，我是那么地愛我的教會，全心全意全力地去愛神，去事奉他的子民，人們怎么批評我參與太多的事工，我也能忍受，因為我知道我是在為誰去服侍人。但是，當困難考驗來的時候，我對神的愛卻開始有了疑問。我無法再全心全意全力地去愛我的弟兄姐妹了。他們讓我覺得傷心因為原來自掃門前雪的事也會發生在教會的事工里。一句「為神工作不能看錢」的話，對普通人而言，沒什么大不了。對我而言，卻是那么地傷。在教會幼稚園服事并不是我的打算但是我愛我的神，我愿意為他委身于自己不懂甚至是很陌生的事工。我要好好裝備自己以至可以繼續被神使用作為祝福人的器皿。

當我發現錢不夠用，所分配的工作和我的階級不同的時候，我要求加薪因為是院長告訴我縱使在幼稚園事奉，其實也是為了生活。既然是這樣，我也該為自己的生活着想。但是，人是自私的。我雖然是拿助手的薪水但是我的工作是教師助手，辦公室暫代文員和擔當一些不屬于教師助手的工作。能以底薪水請到什么都愿意做的人，是每個老板都希望的事。當我發現他們不能站在我的立場想想的時候，我原本放棄繼續念書的心又回來了。我堅持辭職的時候，雖然院長又要求我留下做幼稚園的暫代文員但是她的態度不誠懇，所以我拒絕了。我還記得我離開的那一天，她說了三句話是讓我想起都會大笑的話因為他的態度顯得她很愚笨。她說了：
「你說你要念書，你有錢嗎？」
「我不曾害怕我沒錢讀書因為我的學費多數都是以前存下來的獎學金。我也對我媽十分有信心因為她是一個未雨綢繆的人，一定有準備讓我進修。」
「你是看錢做事的人」
「廢話，難道你不是嗎？如果你不是，你干嗎每個月都要拿薪水？恐怕薪水少一些，你早兩年就走了！你別忘了你自己也用“想辭職”來想家多一點的薪水誒！」
「為神工作的人不能向錢看。」
「難道為神工作的人不是人，不用生活嗎？既然是這樣，你就別拿薪水吧！干脆免費為幼稚園工作吧！如果你可以不拿一些錢然后又盡心盡意地為幼稚園工作，我就說你厲害！」

我自己也不知道為什么對神的熱愛會突然變得不見蹤影但是我依然有禱告。想對神說，我要一個新的開始，新的環境，新的事物，新的朋友，新的體驗…我要我的一切一切都得以更新。所以當今天被問是否有興趣參加康復課程的時候，我覺得我的禱告被聆聽了。我知道神依然在工作。如果不是有神，Hing的牧師不會愿意讓外面的人參加康復課程。我不會覺得參加康復課程會讓我難為情因為我認為那些被稱為勇者的人是因為他們勇于面對自己的問題。縱使會很難為情，會讓人知道自己最軟弱的一面，最不想讓人知道的秘密但是要成長就要擺脫這些，更加了解自己。我認為如果一個人連自己都不了解，他又怎能去了解身邊的人呢？

神吶，謝謝你不曾在我不愛你的子民，離開你的大家庭的時候，放棄我，遠離我。謝謝你在我的生命中不停地讓我看見我的存在不是意外而是你的旨意，謝謝你在我生命中所安排的一切，酸甜苦辣辛都有了。更值得感謝的是，這一切的發生，你都看顧着我。或許我心深處掩埋了很多從小到現在被人傷害但是卻不想提起的傷痕，求你幫助我在這康復課程當中勇于打開心膛，從新開始為你做一個勇敢的人。求你繼續保守我，讓我剩余的信心能為你堅持下去哪怕我需要面對的事情是讓我害怕的。謝謝你 :)

我要做一個勇敢面對自己，了解自己的人 。再難的事，神在這！

開夜車了～（哈哈哈…雖然現在才六點半但是用來溫習的時間很快就過了 :P大家一起加油！！為考試盡最大的努力喔！）

過分的感動

有時過分的感動，往往是一件好事因為它能夠讓我回頭去看看我的過去并和現在做個比較，我相信我就不会再埋怨什么了。

每一個人都有他的過去，今天的成就是過去的栽種和困難的考驗。有的人覺得不應該從提過去因為它并不漂亮。有的人覺得應該活在當下就應該把過去藏起來。我個人卻覺得，人應該活在當下并感謝自己的過去，以它作為借鏡不要重犯錯誤。

我的過去曾經讓我覺得很羞恥，很絕望。我接受不了生命給我的待遇，我認為那是不公平的。我是家中的獨女，現在還是。從小到六歲，我都是被父母捧在手心上的孩子。我原本有着一個幸福的家庭但是一切都在我六歲那年變了。從爸爸的逝世到媽媽的中風，發生的時間都不到一年。這里，爸爸走了；半年后，媽媽中風了。那時我才七歲。我上小學的第一天是那么地深刻，每個人都有父母陪着；唯獨我一個是沒有任何大人陪我上課。媽媽中風后，我曾經很討厭他。我討厭自己。我討厭我的一切因為我認為我被拋棄。到媽媽開始上班，那時我才三年級，9歲，他就把我一個人放學后丟在家。我曾經試過突然失憶忘了媽媽辦公的電話而坐在電話旁痛哭。這一切一切都讓我不堪回首但是這是我警惕自己的方式。我要幸福，要快樂，就一定要努力讀書走出那些困難。

我有八年的時間是在和我媽媽吵架的但是又有誰會知道十二年后我們還是相依為命而且感情還十分好。我十天前已經十八歲了。我行動不方便的媽媽養了我足足十二年。他早在五年前就沒工作了但是他依然可以讓我吃好的，用好的，穿好的，睡好的。其他人有的東西，我都不缺。我知道幸福已經要在敲我的門了。只要我繼續努力，人生就會有希望。

十二年來被人欺負的心酸，眼淚都是往自己的肚子流。告訴自己，我不會輸。我現在算是1巴仙的成功因為過去我曾經是啟華優異兼模范生，現在我是鐘氏家庭中唯一進的了中六的孫子，我相信我爸爸也會以我為傲。或許你會覺得被人欺負是你在吃虧，其實這并不是這樣。被人欺負會讓你傷，讓你痛；但是，至少痛完了，你不會是同樣的你。以后你再遇到同樣的事情，你會有更好的預備甚至可以預測人們在玩着什么樣的把戲。所以，有時候我會很感謝那些曾經傷害過我的人，因為你們讓我成長了，你們讓我成為一個更有責任感的女兒。

緋聞的事故天天都在發生，我自己最近也無辜被扯上了。我對于那件事并沒有對我造成太多的影響因為我認為現在大家都是成年人，既然不能以成年人該有的思想來看待謠言這件事，我說什么都會被當成在為自己辯護。這樣做太無謂了。加上，謠言是會不攻自破的。我不知道是誰在制造謠言但是我相信有一天他會了解被謠言所傷的痛，那是我也該說他是罪有應得了。

有些人會覺得我很勢利但是我相信你出去社會工作的時候，你就會遇見更多比我更勢利的人。有時候，勢利只不過是一種偽裝來保護自己已經傷痕累累的心；也只不過是一種靜待觀察身邊每一個人，每一間事發展的冷漠并從中學習。

單親的孩子也能成材，那只是在于你是否愿意為將來犧牲多一點時間來努力 :)

今天的感觸：
Sometimes you just don't realized that you have the potential to be a better person IF people don't throw greater responsibility on you. I have finally coped with my stress and things go smoothly now.

今天總共有三個人說我看起來變可愛了 :D 謝謝你們喔！
今天也幫了Mr Tan叫學生去拍照。那些男生好吵喔！！但是我在St Cecilia的時候也是算是全校在老師面前最吃香的學生而且也是吵翻天的那一個 :D 好想念我的老師們 :)

大家晚安啦 :)

Exam count down 7 days

生日快樂 :D ＋我的感動

今天是我好朋友，憶雯的生日 :)

憶雯，

生日快樂喔！雖然今天不能和以往那樣買蛋糕和你一起慶祝生日，但是你不要不開心喔！我們會等你從KL回來再給你補會的，好嗎？希望我剛才的電話也能讓你感覺到我依然是你的好朋友而且我會常常在我的禱告中紀念你 :)

轉眼間，我們都長大了。全部都已經是18歲了。現在回想起13歲時卻想希望自己是18歲時的情景，突然覺得很好笑。我依稀記得老師說過的一句話：“人，是最不容易滿足的動物。年少時急着要長大；長大了卻懷念年少的時候。”或許是因為這一句話吧，我曾經答應自己我要活在當下而不是我的過去。我希望我身邊的每一個人都會有幸福。人與人之間的友誼，會慢慢經過時間的醞踉，在我們成長的路上最好，最溫馨，最甜美的回憶和動力。

朋友們，我們一起加油吧！縱使大家的課業不一樣了但是我們還是可以互相勉勵的！縱使課業是很難但是以前我們覺得難的日子，我們都熬過去了；我相信我們這一次也可以熬過去并考得非常好的成績 :) 希望有一天，我們都會是成功的醫務人員 和夢想的追求者！

有什么難過的事，就找我鐘麗婷吧！上帝在我成長的路上讓我經歷很多難過傷心的事，現在我用我的經驗來祝福你們。記得喔，沒有什么事是成不了的！是否可以走過困難，你對上帝的堅信和自己信心是很重要的 :)

School holiday :)

Today is my school's special holiday but I don't really know the reason behind it ;P

I had a superb good day! I woke up at 8.10am and get prepared to Mile 4 with my mum. We planned to walk to Mile 4 but we met a friend of my mum, so she gave us a ride to Mile 4. We had our breakfast at pasar and continue to shop there for some fish paste and food. I bought (but my mum paid for that. Hehehe..) some fish paste, wanton skin (since I am the chief tonight), some cakes, 2 pei dan, a pack of "dou fu po" and 2 hair clips. After shopping at the pasar, we went to the bank for some serious matter :) I am glad I am 18 now and I can do investment with my money :D My mum is a good investor and I am going to learn from her to be a hidden businesswoman :)

Besides that, I also bought my shampoo and graph book for my PA, with my own money. Hahaha..I think I should be responsible to myself sometimes. I should pay for myself when it comes to my personal use. I don't know when my mum did a decision that she wants to trim her hair but I have followed her decision and went Rever Salon for her hair trim. First, I wasn't plan to trim my hair since I am still okay with it. However, when I think twice, I have already keep this long hair for 3 years. Maybe this year I should trim it short and neat and let it grow for another 2 years and rebond it again. So, final decision, I trimmed my hair and it is by a young and stylish barber in Rever :) I also met my senior there and she trimmed her front hair there. I am glad to have some girls talk with her just now. Hehehe...

I have a short hair now. Until above of my shoulders :D This is the suggestion from the barber. He said my hair is born to be lil curly so it is more advisable I don't cut it too short into a tomboy style. He suggested I trim it until just right above the shoulders. I took his suggestion and this hairstyle really makes me look younger and fresher than before. I am going to give YT a shock tonight. Hehehe.. I love my hair now ^^

When we were walking to the bus stop, my mum stopped by at the Pizza Hut and I thought she was joking about have pizza. She was serious and so, we have pizza for lunch :)

Tomorrow is Tuesday and school is back. I am thinking do I need to tie my hair up or just leave it until the teacher asks me to tie it up? hmm..and I am prefect + assistant monitor. Should I be like that? hmmm..

8 days count down to exam :)

My Super Saturday!

I was making a hypothesis last night about the scandal about I have favor on a tall guy will be spread around in his class. The hypothesis proven today. His classmate accidentally tease me about him and I am like "Huh? Why should I talk to the one sit beside the door?" then his classmate is like "okay okay..nothing. I don't know nothing." Based on one's psychology activities, when we mentioned something and denied it right after it with eyes couldn't focus on the other person, there is high possibility that we are lying and what we mentioned it true and it is the most interesting part. I just leave it when I got this kind of reply. I don't think I need to do any reply about that. I know what I want now and I prefer to be single in physically and mentally. I don't need an imaginative boy friend. If I want, I will tell the guy directly that I am interested in you. I won't ask someone to pass the message since the message can be manipulated by those stupid hunters. And one more thing, I don't want to make too much noise about things that are not true about me (Jacklyn' x Law)

Okay, back to the title, my super saturday :

It starts with~~~~

Before I close my eyes last night, I have already know today will be a busy day. I still didn't rest early until 12am+. Woke up at 8.45am this morning. Went to 100 Optical Center at Giant. I bought a new spec from them. They gave me the wrong reading of lens. My left eyes is 1.00 and right eyes is 1.75. They gave me the spec with both lens in 0.75! Shit! I have been suffered for 1 week because of that inaccurate reading of spec! I demand them to make me a new one with accurate reading! So, I got a new spec once again with accurate reading and UV protection :)

I came home at 11.20am and I settle everything at home and start my journey to school. First I feel really bored of it. Since those are entertainment for Malays, not Chinese like me. Due to I have to be responsible and take turn to duty at my class store, I went. When it is almost arrived St Mary, the road started to have traffic jam. A traffic policeman came out and conduct the cars' flow and the accident happened. 3 cars crushed. The middle one is the most pity because the front and and the back got banged. The third one is a MyVi and its front crushed and looks like the car became a shorter one. I felt pity for them as they need to pay for this stupid accident.

I bought RM 20 coupons at first then I bought another RM 20 and I bought another RM 10. In totally, I bought RM 50. I used RM 16 at my own store, RM 14 at 6RK1' store, RM 10 at Madam Anitha's store, RM 2 at 6AK1, RM 5 at an unknown store (:P) and I spent Mr Param for a desert which just cost me RM 2. I have RM1 left and I thrown it away since it is useless to me now. I bought 2 Coconut puding, 2 pumpkin dessert, 1 green beans sup, 5 chicken wings and a roll of cake from Kelly as well as a eco bag :) 2 packs of ice from my class store. hahahah...

I met many friends and people that I used to know before. I met my science teacher in form 3 that encouraged me to study hard and make me a better student today :) I met my primary teacher as well, Mr See. He is funny like usual and he still has a big tummy and half bald head. I met my tuition teacher when I was in primary teacher, Miss Chong. She is a strict teacher but I love her because she encouraged me a lot when I was in down spirit and walked with me until I became a grade A student in Chi Hwa. I got the first to third place in Chi Hwa when I was primary four until six. Thanks to these teachers who contributed their time on me.

I met my friends from primary and secondary school. KM, JY, SY, MY and her friends. Had a good time with them as the feelings are different now but I believe our friendships still exist in our memories. The most important guest for me today is Liong Ka Lun. One of the children that I used to take care specially for 4 months in my kindergarten. He remembered me and he looks good now. He kept calling me Auntie Jacklyn Auntie Jacklyn and smiling with me. He was not used to the school daycare for the first few months but he likes me. So, I took up the responsibility to take care of him when he is bathing, having lunch, being there to comfort him when he is crying and bring him to sleep at the daycare hall or even sleep beside him. To see that he had grown now, being independent after 3 months I have left the kindergarten, I am touched to see his improvement to take care of himself. I miss my children so much now :D I am going back to meet them on their sport day. I want to learn more life lesson with these children :)

My legs are really painful now and I am planning for a foot massage tomorrow. My hair also become curly because I clipped it for too long time. Wish that it will back to normal after I washed it. The greatest news from the school is MONDAY IS A HOLIDAY!

Da ram dom...

I can always have a good sleep every night. I can't have it tonight and I am having headache as well. Why? I think it is time to sort out all my sorrows in me.

I saw someone on my msn which I didn't see him for 2 months. Something is tickling in my heart. He used to be the most important guy in my life since 15 until 17 years old. He taught me the lesson of life. He taught what is right and good for myself and how should I live a life that's truly mean to be mine. He prepared everything for me and now he let me go on my own life journey. For the sake of God, he didn't know that our lives and destinies were linked since the day we know each other.

I am missing his presence used to be in my life, giving me encourages and leading me in and out of my problems until I can do my own decisions. I was a coward of expressing myself about what I like and what I dislike in front of many. I used to wanna please everyone around me. He told that's impossible. It's either you live a "your life" or you live a "others' lives". Both of them would be suffering but living "your life" is a better choice because you can choose everything that you want and throw everything that you don't need them.

He taught me go and do whatever I think is right until I found out it is wrong, turnaround and start again in another stage of life. This is how experiences gained. He taught me to be independent because he can't solve every problem for me and now I am independent dealing with my problems even fight back when it is necessary. I was a Christian that I obey everything teachings of God and I realized I have finally lost myself in the Lord. I got bullied and everything but I have to kept quiet. Since Clive let go of me, where I started to face the world by myself, I truly realized it is hard to be Christian and it is much more easy to be one by using your MOUTH. I can say that I am MEAN now. My old friends said so. They said I am getting mean and cruel to those who against me with my words and actions.

I think I should give thanks to the Lord for my family background where it is training ground for me to be mature and learn to deal with the world before everyone at my age doing that. I experienced a lot about betrayed by own relatives, bullied and mocked by their words and all these make me strong and stronger these days. I have wisdom and strength to block whatever is hurtful to me. I don't know where do they come from, I guess they came from experienced and the Lord or maybe a protective shield in my heart and mind. I truly thank him for the 3 years that he built me up even though he hurt me a lot when he is letting his hands off.

I am living my own life now. I decide what I like and I want to throw away. I am still not sociable with my peers instead of the adults. I do what I think is right and bring joy to me and I turned back when I realized I was wrong. Revenge tastes sweet and it worth of getting my head into it and turnaround. I was to scare to hate someone because I afraid I would hurt them and with this, I opened a door for others to hurt me. Now, I decided to close up my door and defend for myself. Last but not least, I thank God for planting the interests toward psychology and human behaviours in my heart and my mind. It helps me a lot to take care of myself as well as get to know others' thoughts.

For most of the time, I can guess and predict what's going on. Just like the scandal just started in my school recently about I am having favour on a senior. That is not true as I am not ready for it and he doesn't seem to be the one I have been praying for or maybe I don't know him well. I don't know and I don't want to know him well since he is hmm..I heard bad mouthing about him but I only choose to believe what I see with my eyes as bad mouthing can only be partial true. Besides that, as far as I know, he is not available and I am not going to be so stupid getting a boy friend at my last 2 years of high school life and spoil my dream of getting into University and to be a good Doctor/Lawyer.

I am trying to clearly cut out everything out of my mind. This post would be randomly about my thoughts, jumping here and there. Hmm..

Only vacuum makes most of the noise ( I guess this is what my teacher said but that doesn't make sense, so I think I am wrong) I understand the meaning behind that. Its mean only a person will empty tummy will always make noise, instead those who are wise, they observed, listened and keep quiet. I kind of like this theory :) and I named it as Jac's x Law.

I wish my buddy will be at the bazaar tomorrow since I bought her a song, 沒那么簡單. She introduced me this song during our SPM exam where we were waiting for the time to past for next paper. I don't really pay attention to that until 胡夏in星光六班sang this song then I started to try to understand this song. Not bad. Nice and straightforward. It taught me not to be naive because love and serenity aren't that easy to have. Once it is too easy to get, it won't be appreciated. True, right? Anyway, SY, please be there for the song :) and also 情歌by Fish Leong where you were complaining I sang it way toooooooooo BAD with a E key with my keyboard. Hahahaha..

Hmm..what else?? I had overactive digestion process recently. Keep going to toilet for bu bu but I don't really have mood to eat normally like usual. I guess my conscience start to worry for me about the coming checkup. I shall find way to get rid of this. Sigh. I wish I am a normal girl after all.

Scandal is here but since it is not true, based on Jac's x Law, I wouldn't do any reply directly to the tall guy or anyone and I will still live my life happily, forever and after.


I am the victim and you are hunters outside.
I know you are observing me and I am observing you as well.
The best way to make you confused is to
Write a LONG post with certain things I want to cover what I really want to say.
I had say what I really want to say tonight
And there is only one which meant to be in here.
The others are just confusion for you, my lovely hunters ;)

Why am I single?

This is seriously a tough question about life that asked by an old friend.

He asked me why are you still single since you were so eager to get a date when you were 17? Now you are 18 but you seem to be neutral about falling in love. (Obviously, this guy know me too well and about every story behind my beloved admirers)

I seriously thought of this question and I got an answer. It is because I know love is not easy and I am not ready for it. I know what's love and that's why I am single. Understood? I saw my friends who are having bf/gf, they look sweet but how many people would wonder how much they need to compromise to achieve the harmony between them for today?

I know recently, in my school, someone were spreading about I am admiring a tall guy. Hmm..I am quite sick of that since first, I am there for study, not for puppy love. Second, I don't really know this tall guy. Third, He is in a relationship and I guess he doesn't interested in me as well.

I wish gossip stopped after a period time and person who related with this would have the wisdom to deal with it.

Anyway, there are problems anywhere and they are chances for me to grow even more mature. I hope my schoolmates have the same maturity level according to their age and their education levels.

** I am going to change a new spec again! I can't read with my new spec! I need a better one :(
** All the best for the school bazaar and I will support financially and I already did :P

[Updated]
I will still be single unless I found someone who is higher education than me, smart than me, rational than me and bla bla bla...conclusion, a man that's greater than me in every aspects AND he must be a SCIENCE person like me :) YT, you have no chance at all :P

Fine day :)

Today is a really good day for me as I've learn a lesson which is aggressive to be positive, self control and be funny :D

I started my day kind of blue. I seem to be missing someone that I didn't meet for 30-24=6+4=10 days since our last meeting. I missed him so much today. He is my best buddy and we always share our things with one another and he is the apple of my eyes :) Since there is function at his place every Friday night, so we get to meet up one another for once or twice a week. However, this month, we haven't meet since the bbq day until now. I have so much things to share with him about my life, my school and my spiritually growth. I will going back to church this Sunday, not trying but I WILL go. I know that sounds like a music to his eyes (:

My days continue to be blue for the first 5 periods where I were having PA2 and Maths 2. I love both of these subjects but I were just moody and something funny is TC ignored my request for the prefects to go for recess early and have some snack. He drag our recess until 9.40am where the prefects need to start their duty already. I have to eat my food and do my duty at the same time. Argh! I hate that! It makes me look ugly ): I have 3 periods of Chemistry and 1 period of MUET after recess. Chemistry was having test today and seriously, I DIDN'T PREPARE FOR IT. I don't think I did well in this paper but I just allow myself to express whatever knowledge that is saved and remained in my brain upon that chapter. We have learn something new as well, Multiple bonding. I start to like this since it is like a Mathematics. Calculate and predict the shape :D For Muet, we have reading :D I love reading and I never know reading can be an exam in Muet d;

My day started to glow when it comes to the afternoon tutorial class. I had Muet as well but we were going to the Library (; Something happened there give a good lesson. When me and a guy walking up to the stair to the library, this guy keep on calling me "pretty girl..pretty girl", I know he was joking with me so I just replied him with "yes, what is it?" A doll like girl which I have not favour on her, raised up her voice and say to the boy: "She (me) is a pork chop, you also want her?" For normal people, sure they already got mad of it. I was irritated but I didn't fight back because I know if I fight back, that would lower my reputation. I kept silence and I am happy of she is calling me Pork Chop.

The reason is, even though I am a Pork Chop, there are still guys who like to flirt and talk with me. Compared to her, a doll-like girl, you look cute but you are not as tough as me. You have no life experience like me and you are not harm immune like me. It is nothing bad to be a pork chop since I am happy with myself and my body shape and I don't need to keep fit like those DOLL LIKE girls, fragile and afraid of fat growing inside their bodies. I allow my weight to float and sink because that's the blessing of the creator and the most important is I am still healthy with my weight. So, doll like girl, get lost because I wouldn't fight with you neither giving you a heed. You are just wasting your time to hate me. I am a friend of a girl that you called her as princess and I am happy for that. I am friend with a princess and I am going to help and build this princess to be a lady who is strong inside and soft outside, unlike you, fragile from the inside out :P

I also had some talk with my friend's brother, and I think we are able to call each other FRIEND now because I am treating him like my friend and he is a good brother :) He looks quite alike with my friend (Funny, because they are brother what!) , a mature version of my friend. We discuss about the Pork Chop matter and he asked me to brush it off and don't mind about that doll. That makes me feel good though. I felt relaxed when I talk to him even though he sounds like a brother. Hahaha..I am the only child in the family and I am longer for a friend who acts like a brother to me. I think he is one of the best choices to talk beside my former piano tutor in church and my best buddy (:

Whatever happened today is going to build me up tomorrow. I believe my past gave me strength to face the mean of this world and I am ready to be stronger in the inside and softer in the outside (that exclude from losing my weight. My brain needs more fat to develop since the brain is consist of 97% of fat and water!)

I will count my days until I can meet the apple of my eyes, the arrival of school and exam on 17-19th Aug. And yeah, I bought 2 songs during the school bazaar for all of my friends. Both of these are Chinese songs, 黄小琥 － 没那么简单，梁静茹－情歌. First one is because the lyric is so true about one's life and I wish more people would get know this song and this song was sang by 胡夏（星光六班) I am not a fan of any celebrities or entertainment, I just love the song. Second song is because I used to love that song so much and I missed the time I kept on playing this song with my keyboard :D

Until then,

Pikachu Team

A group named Pikachu Team is set up in facebook yesterday. It is set up by my classmates upon keeping our memories for the 2 years of form 6. Even though this page set up using description that I wrote on fb because I was mad on something days ago. I felt not okay with that but well, we are all classmates. I just take it and the most importance is all of us having fun within these 2 years.

I know some of people dislike me or even hate me in school but I don't see the point that I need to attach myself to them to make myself famous or well known in the school. Everyone has their own personality that created by God and placed perfectly in them. Changing our personalities to please others is a sin that not appreciating God's gift in our lives. I won't change my personality to please anyone unless my personality stops me from getting step on to higher ground. I know my weaknesses and my strengths. I know what is my attractions and what is my disgracefulness. However, I believe I will still have friends since as I said above, everyone has their own personalities. Who knows, someone out there is having a personality that is suitable for two of us to be in harmony ?

I believe I have serenity at last. I create my own life and I am sure I can do it. Pikachu Team might sound as an anti page to disgrace me but I would like to take it as a joke with an open heart. I talked to them and I said I appreciate them to set up this page in the memorial of my speech and dedication to be a prefect and I will always work hard to be a good prefect.

I have duty in canteen this whole week. That sounds cool! I am still able to meet one who make my eyes watering, the apple of my eyes. I think I am only able to enjoy for few more months and then this apple will leave me and going into Uni to be a successful person in future. My head prefect is a kind guy and he shared something funny with me today about jot down names of those who don't obey us. Just aimed for one in a group :D I will do that tomorrow :)

Anyway, all the best for the Pikachu Team and tomorrow is Maths time :D I love maths :))))

Until then,

Happy birthday :D and its over now D:

Yesterday (31/7) was my birthday :D It was a birthday which different from those I used to had for 5 years ago. I have been celebrate my birthday with my gang for 5 years of high school. This year, first year of Pre-U, I am celebrating this with my own family. It is a new experience though :)

Let's count the blessing I got yesterday. I got a new spec with protections from UV and damages to eyes due to too frequent using the computer and watching tv. That costs my mum RM 150. I formatted my laptop and that cost my mum about RM 40. We had dinner last night with my nanny and it cost about RM 83. So, this birthday, I used RM 273 in totally of my mum's money. However, I am going to buy new laptop soon, WITH MY OWN EFFORT.

My laptop screen got spoiled as I accidentally placed something heavy on my laptop. So it's broken now. Part of it couldn't view anything. I called my friend to ask about fixing this screen, he said that's gonna cost me up to RM 800. So, I told him I will consider buying a new laptop which cost me around RM 1300 and I am going to do that secretly. I am not going to let my mum know about to avoid she will nag on me and once again saying the laptop is her belongings. Kind of -,- when she said this during argument and I am going to make this old laptop to be her belongings once I have enough money to buy a new one.

I received quite a lot of birthday wish in facebook. They are so sweet even though just a simple word of happy birthday. My classmates and schoolmates didn't appear at all. That makes me start to think, what kind of people I want myself to be. Should I continue being who I am or I should behave like gossip girls just as one of my friends changed to be and that is really sad. I am not saying I have much more experience than others but I believe the Lord will revenge for me upon whoever that hurt me if I keep on keeping my faith in Him. So, I promised the Lord I won't be a gossip person. Everyone has their own problem to handle and I have my own problem as well.

I just kept quiet for all the unfair things happen to me and keep on praying for them. I believe one day, they will learn a lesson from someone that shows them they are wrong in part of their lives. I am not having a good relationship with my classmates even though I tried to fix it but some people is just too hard to handle. So, I gave up on it and I focused on my study and getting high mark position in my co-curriculum. Not as a competition between me and that Pokemon but a competition between the high school me and now. I almost hibernate from co-curriculum during my high school because it was so boring except BSMM and I am proud to be a BSMM.

For now, I am vice-treasurer in BSMM even though I have an ambition to be the Vice-president and a committee in Maths and Science. Even though that Pokemon is now a President in Maths and Science but I don't see that she has any potential.I think Asriwan is much more better than her because Pokemon is much more inexperience no matter in dealing with people or knowing the organization of the school. So, I will sit and wait to watch a movie about Pokemon ruins. I know sounds bad here but I am not a saint.

Anyway, my birthday is over and relaxation is over. I shall continue my hardworking and get a better result and aimed for my medication course/psychology/law in future! GCPA 4.0, I want you to be in my pocket at the end of next year :D

One of the senior committees in BSMM, she told me she wanted me to be the President because I have full confidence in the way I presenting myself during the interview and I am an experience BSMM in my previous school :) That sounds so good and encouraging and thanks for that :D