Restart my life in the LORD

For many years ago, I was a teen who had passion in God and really loves God. Involved in serving. However, facing problem everywhere I go. Never wanted to find out the source and never wanted to be humble.

As time goes by, my life corrupted by many earthly things such as relationship with family, with a guy, with friends, money, love, desires, ambitious to be a psychology, chasing after what people expected on me and I started to move away from God because of world’s temptations.

I remember I came to Christ when I was 11 and how I have enjoyed the love of God and experienced Him in my life. For some reason, I am still wandered away from God for many times. I guess this time would be the longest time and most hidden one. I have been stop building relationship with God around 2-3 years ago. I didn’t read my bible, I didn’t pray, I rely on myself more than God, whom I should rely on, I still attend church, I still serve in different ministries, my relationship with people goes bad but I don’t care! What I do care was “As long as I do what I think is right and I will only turn away when I think I am wrong. My life is in my hand.” So, that was what playing in my mind when I was away from God.

There were reasons for I have such thought. I have came to really close with a guy when I was 15. I thought he would be the love of my life. He was a nice person and his personality makes him shine. However, he is an atheist. The values and lessons that he taught me are from the World but not God. Since I think I didn’t have anyone else beside him to talk to, to please him and to keep him with me, I accept everything he said. At last, when I was 16, our relationship cracked and when I was 17, we officially didn’t talk anymore.

Anyway, that passed away. The most important thing now is make right with God, make right with every wrongs I have done and make right with people around me. I know “sorry” isn’t enough to make right the relationship between 2 persons. But I know action speaks louder than words. I believe God will change my life if I am willing to humble myself. And guess what, I learnt that God never give up on me. When I was counting my blessings, I realized no matter what I have done, although men rejected me, God never! He loves me so much and the psalmist said “I know your love will last for all time, that your faithfulness as permanent as the sky.” (Psalm 89:2) Although the sky might change its colour once a while, that never change the fact that it is the sky, just as the faithfulness of God.

I have started my devotion for 4 days, today will be the 5th day. I know it takes time and persistent to build up relationship. I am not worry I will stop building relationship with God because God is here. Just God is really amazing as for everyday’s devotion, He seem to be like affirming me and telling me that He never stop loving me and nothing could stop Him from loving me. How great is that!! To start my baby step in September 2010, I have some planning here:

1. Memorize at least 2 verses everyday.
2. 1 chapter of Bible Reading daily
3. Pray every morning once I have my conscience that I am awake. Uphold my fresh and desire to the LORD and ask His Holy Spirit to fill and walk with me for the entire day.
4. Respect the one (Jesus Christ) who lives inside of me. Every word I said, everything I have done, every thought I have, I shall let them be glorify to God and accountable to God.
5. Pray for myself, family, church and friends.
6. Pray to look important into God’s matter rather than my own desires or needs.
7. Serve and submit to one another because who God is but not because who that person is (What a big lesson to learn!)
8. I don’t know, let’s pray and find out!

And yeah, a word outside this title.

I realized small group can be fun too although we have really big age gaps! I wanna follow what a brother told me before he left “Don’t join a small group because of the sake you need to a small group because of …..” I was in Adventure but the group leader told me they have some problem within the group and they need to fix it first. So, I am out of it. And then, I am welcomed back to my original small group. I don’t know what to do but just do and follow what’s the LORD wants. I just need to work harder now. Alternating between small group and tutorial class. May the LORD gives me strength to be perseverance in doing what is pleasing in His sight.

Prayer

 

Lord, may You teach me the way to please the Holy Spirit but not my needs. May You teach me to pray when I do not know how to pray. May You help me to focus on You rather than the man that I admire. May You clean me from my sins and renew my mind each day. May Your name be glorified with every word I speak, every thought I have, every beat of my heart. May You continue to bless those who used to hurt me when I was young. May You bless and keep the guy that I admire with Your supernatural grace and mercy. Direct his path as he comes near to You. May You protect my heart and mind and remain pure until the day I met my life partner. Amen.

Every good and perfect is from above, coming down from the Father who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

Lord, thank you for being faithful :)

12th September 2010

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

Thank you Father for reaffirm me that He is a CONSISTENT Father. He is reliable and responsible. He is worth of my trust :)

Life Game? Real Life?

Howdy :) I am back from Life Game Camp! This afternoon around 4.30pm! Serving as helper in Life Game is fun and impacting lives! God impacted campers’ lives as well as my life. Although these few days I felt so tired because sleep really late and wake up really early. However, it worth of everything when I saw there are campers kneel down to pray to God for committing their lives and full time serving.

I did those decisions too. It were so hard for me but God just helped me to do that. In Life Game, I prayed. In real life, I need to do something. Prayer without action is death. That’s true. I experienced that. I keep praying I would get a good result but I never go and study. Will that make anything come true? No, right? I have dragged for 7 years and I don’t want to drag anymore. I must do something this year, today, right now!

I have the passion back once again. The fire in my heart that consuming to bright up the path of others! I will keep on praying as well as seek for advice about how should I prepare myself and my mum about the decision that I have made. Since I really don’t wish I am going to fight with my mum because of religious matter and I am not ready to be kicked out from the house. I know I should put God and I will pray for this until the right timing then I will tell my mum about that. I still have 1 year time. So, no worries but pray :)

I realized I have grow a bit in this camp. Most of the campers said I am a good actor to being a bad and fierce person. –,- I really want to apologized about that. I am not doing that purposely. I did nothing. I just didn’t smile. I am not angry or annoying or anything. It is just I am neutral and I am serious with the task I am assigned. So, really sorry to those people who misunderstood that I was angry or I have released my anger to you. I just want to say this is the me when I am working. Serious and no smile at all. A typical melancholic. Cool blooded and strict. A typical Mel-Co :)

Hang out with Lifeteam with just now. I didn’t talk much but listen to Amos and others conversation for most of the time. I prefer to be alone for most of the time but I admit I do need friends as well. So, I am trying to mix around with others even though I know I am not good in socializing with others. I don’t know what’s wrong with me >.< I heard Elbert and Amos conversation about youth ministry. I gained some insight about what youth ministry is and how to train up youth. Not all but partially.

Although Life Game has ended here, I believe God’s still working as usual. His holy spirit move among all His people and working in each other hearts. May the Lord continue to bless and guard all the campers and lifeteam continue to grow stronger in His word. May the Lord also help them to see things from His angle and able to reach out a helpful hand to others who are in need.

Cheer for what God has done! He is the only one who worth of all the praises and claps :) Good night everyone! Real life is on! Be aware of what is right and what is wrong, what is true and what is false, what is pleasing God and what is not, what is meaningful and what is not. Every decision in life is a spiritual decision.

<Wow! I never know I can write such thing! Reading Bible is cool!! >

Examining my heart

Tomorrow will be the day I leave my home for 5 days to BCCM to serve as a volunteer in the coming Life Game. It is time for me to examine my heart. What is the purpose I called Amos that night to offer myself to help? What I should prepare myself for? I wasn’t used to this but I know I have to do this. To make sure the direction of my heart.

I have joined recovery course for 4 weeks if I am not mistaken. For the first 2 weeks, it was hurt!!! Really really hurt! Everything just flashed out like a unstoppable video clip and keep repeating. Slowly, thru prayer, thru putting my trust to God that he is the only one who can provide me the feeling of accepting, giving me values and feeling of belongings. For now, whenever anything happen that’s going to make me feel bad, the first thing I do is I prayed to God. I reaffirm myself that God is the only one provider of my need but not others. That makes me building more faith in God.

I believe God planned everything in my life and that’s purpose for every decision that God allowed them to happen in my life. I used to believe in this so much when I was a young Christian and as year goes by, my faith to God become a habit but not a practice. It took me to keep praying and praying again and again to have this faith back. Instead of just praying, I want to serve as well. I want to apply what Pastor Amos had preached today. SERVE SERVE SERVE! even to those who hurt me before, who disappointed me.

Something great happened after the sermon is Andreas talked back to me ;) We discuss about the audition for the musician intake by music department. I am glad that we talked again and this is good starting. Thank God for that!

I will serve and cooperate with the Life Impact Team as well as love my neighbour as myself ;)

Good night everyone!

我还很好 =)

在网上看见他。原来鸟人说中了。他真的已经名草有主了。当时心真的好像痛了一下但是我知道那并不代表我没有价值了。我相信我会遇到更好的男生。

或许一切神已经安排好了，安排好了我要怎样去度过我的假期，一个有他的假期。我星期二就会进 BCCM 的 Life Game Camp 当自愿助手。星期二下午2时到星期六午餐时间。神似乎已经知道要发生的事情。让我好好地忙几天，重新在生命寻找神的存在。

明天就要开始收拾衣服了。我不知道我是否能够收拾足够的衣服但是，也的试试，对吧？

我今天捐血了。很开心，因为很有意义和身体真正得到了休息。最近一直睡不好，捐血后竟然能睡3个小时，无梦零打扰，真的很舒服。

我知道我现在应该伤心的但是心态和以前的不同了因为我不再在人的身上找寻我要的接纳，价值和归属感。我知道我要的，只有神可以给我。所以心情没有太大的起伏。我在这里要祝福他们还有感谢陪我度过刚才那段时间的忆桦，我答应神和自己我要好好过。

不要担心，我还好好的。大家晚安 :)

Holiday day 1

Today would be this first day of my Raya Holiday. I kind of hating my holiday now. Something unpleasant just happened last night and this holiday is going to make my mind developing on its will. I am trying not to let that happen so I am looking for games to play, homework to do and blog. I believe I will blog more recently.

I got reply from YH last night but apparently he denied he remember me and said he doesn’t remember me. Well, I am sad but not too much. It is just 4 days matter. I have to be rational. I was expecting some outing today but appeared to be I am lazy to move myself out of the room.

I played some games on facebook today and it was boring. All of these are gambling. I am weak on that. So, I gave up playing those games. Searching some songs on KG and that makes me miss YH even more. He told me he is using the same model laptop as I do and using same software as I do. Am I being emotional now? How should I dealing with this feeling? I don’t want to deny it because this is the way how God created me but I have no idea how should I deal with it.

Found some nice songs and my favourite is 你不知道的事—王力宏 :) besides that, 三个字—凌加峻 which is a cantonese song. I realized I have special favourite toward Hong Kong. Everything from Hong Kong. I like their songs, their movies and even when I was young, I dedicated to get marry with Hong Kong guy. Weird, right? Anyway, that was when I was young.

Now, I just wish to find someone who is suitable for me but not one who is funky and good looking. I need someone who is able to show loyalty to our relationship and having the same vision. I wish I can find one soon.

Have a conversation with my classmonitor. He was kind of hmmm…he sort of know who is the guy I like but I think he misunderstood. I used to think he likes me since his friend told me once but I think it is impossible since there are big differences on our body sizes. He is thin and tall while I am round and tall. Not match at all. However, he is a good friend to talk even though sometimes he will bump out something ridiculous that you will be ==||. Overall, am happy to work with him this year and hopefully next year as well.

Hmmm…I am empty minded now. So, I’ll stop here until I got something new to write =)

Text message

I have reloaded my phone.

I have sent out a message saying who am I and when we met.

My heart and hands didn’t beat faster or sweat when I press “Send”

Now,

I am too afraid to see my phone.

I left it outside my room.

Put into silent mode.

Yet,

I worry he will replying and I didn’t read it.

I want to know whether he got reply or not but I afraid the feeling of disappointed when I see nothing.

YH, please reply me =’)

Confessing

Should I do that? How to do that? I only know his name but nothing. Purposely spoil the laptop and ask him to fix it? That’s too cruel for my new lappy.

Ahhhhhh…help me! Anyone know what should I do now? I really miss him! His smile, the way he talks, the way he became so special to me.

Can anyone tell whether is he feeling the same way as I do?

YH, are you feeling the way I felt?

Blood Donation

At this coming Sunday (5th September) my church  (Sandakan Baptist Church) organized a blood donation event, 10am until 1pm. All are welcomed to join and help to fulfil the lack of blood in blood bank during this fasting season for the Muslims.

Do come and give us support =)

I am going to donate blood as well, for the very first time. I don’t know whether it will be painful or not but something for sure is, I have enough blood to donate. I have blood that more than I enough =D

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I got my new laptop today, Acer Aspire 4741z. I met a nice looking guy as well who is the sale executive named YH. He is the one who serve me when I went to the shop. He is a head taller than me, has a baby face, sunny smile, a little bit baby fat (I am fatter than him, I know xP) and I felt comfortable when I am with him =)

I guess, I will meet him again. I can’t kick him out of my mind now. Hahahahaha..is this the feeling that one experienced when she is attracted by another guy? Hmmm..I have no experience this for 2 years and today, I have it again =)

;) I need to talk to Siew Yee now..she might be able to help to link me with YH. Hahaha..I love life! Anita’s mum is right! The most amazing thing in life is LIFE!