Wednesday - Saturday

Within 4 days, I experienced God's grace and the sufferings when someone is really ill but you just don't know why you're ill.

I started to have mid fever at Wednesday night. I thought I am having that because I took a cold water bath (I seldom or never take cold water bath), so I took two tablets of Paracetamol and went to sleep. The next day, Thursday, I am still having fever and it increased its temperature, until my face was red in colour and can't concentrate in my study. To keep my attendance, I just kept quiet and withstand the heat until my recess time and inform my teacher that I am sick. She sent me to emergency department and I stayed there until almost 12pm. I did blood test and the nurses in HDOK is really not up to the standard, because they pierced me TWICE before they got my blood! I was quite mad with that. 

According to my blood test, I am fine. Nothing wrong with me. The fever most probably caused by my thyroid, it is hyperactive until it start to attack the body cell. That's what the doctor said, just suspected. I was prescribed with EES, paracetamol and chlorpheniramine maleate. After I took the medicine, my body start to swell. First was part my head, and then part of my face, my cheeks, my thyroid, behind my ears and my neck. My fever didn't subside even I have taken 6 tablets of Paracetamol within 15 hours. Soon, my hands and my chest start to swell to be red and giving burning sensation. Overnight, when I woke up the next morning, TADA~ That's a pig head looking at me from the mirror! Yeah, don't be surprised, that pig head is me. The swelling was really horrible and painful when I accidentally touched them. 

Friday, I went back to the emergency department again. Listed as critical again. Having high pulse but slightly low bp this time. After observed by the doctor, he suspected I am experiencing antibiotic allergic. For all I know is, I am allergic to Amoxicilin or Penicillin (the group of that medicine). I took EES for twice already but no allergic reaction. This time I don't know why the doctor is telling me I am allergic to EES because it is Penicillin -,- Com'on, EES is not Penicillin, it is Marcolide. So he took away my EES and prescribed me with Chlorpheniramin M again. That medicine make me sleepy and weary after I took it. I took it with interval of 5 hours yesterday and I start to have really bad illusions around 3pm. My illusions were really scary! I am sure I am awake that time. I walk out of my room, sit at the living room and seeing my house collapsed, things around me enlarged and shrink. The most horrible part is, my mum doesn't believe in me and start nagging again. Well, I will take that as her early stage of menopause and forgive her.

Today, Saturday. A day that I am slightly better than before. The swelling on me mostly has gone except my thyroid, part behind my ears and my neck. I have to sleep like a frog so that I can avoid from touch them. I hope I will recover soon. I learn to lean more on God when I am sick. I was really scared when my body swell and give burning sensation. Not because I feel that my end is near but because I have thing yet to accomplish. The only thing that I want to do that time is, I want to share Gospel with my mum. I am ready to face death but I really wish that my mum will get to know Christ and accepting Him as her personal Saviour.

I have been losing my appetite for 3 days. Everything seem to be tasteless or bitter in my mouth. I skipped my breakfast too this morning. I really want to have something, so I cooked some oat, had only 2-3 spoon then I start to have nausea. I gave the oat to my mum instead. I think I need something taste more heavier and extreme, like SWEET, SALTY, and SOUR. I hope I can eat normally soon and regardless the calories :D

Tuesday

Today is the second day after my argument with my mum. I thought she won't want to talk to me anymore, due to her anger. However, my guess was wrong and Gee is right - I am what my mum only left. She talks to me again and telling me her feeling when she goes out with her friends (specifically is her religion's leader). She has always been a pain at the ass when come to transportation. I wanna go for driving class but she refuses to pay for me. She insists that I should wait until I am affordable for the driving class and the car. Well, I think she wants me to be independent and spend according what I earn.

I've really interesting Biology class today, it about development of human. From how the sperm fertilized the ovum, how the zygote divided within 7 days to be morula and embryo and implanted into the endometrium (wall of uterus), and the process goes on with gastrulation and organogenesis, development of extraembryonic membranes. Ovum fertilized by sperm after 2 months is called fetus, after delivery is called baby! My teacher kept emphasized on this, but I just wanna say, I knew this fact when I was form 4 -,-

I had 3 periods of PA (2) and Chemistry respectively. I kept "fishing" during the PA (2). I think I was starving. I had only 2 eggs and 2 sausages for my breakfast. No more drinks. I have cut down my breakfast into 40% of my normal breakfast. Low sugar level caused fatigue and dizziness. So, I can't remember what I learned on PA (2), except the changing and comparing pola.

Chemistry was FUN! We do naming for Alkenes today. I found this chapter is so interesting. Different reaction creates different product and naming it is fun! I don't know how to explain how fun it is, you might need to try some exercise to experience what I had this morning :D

Have 2 small slices of cake and 500ml of water as my lunch. I know I am not doing the healthy thing, but my eating habit isn't healthy as well before this. Decreasing my food intake and sugar intake did help to decrease the risk of insulin resistance to happen in me.

I have been diagnosed with PCOS 2 years ago. I was frustrated and almost kill myself because of PCOS. I lost hope and see myself as an imperfect lady. I thought lady is made perfect if they bear kids. By God's grace, almost 3 years of medical follow up and medicine given are working well in me, I still have problem on losing weight. Besides that, I am hoping to get a female doctor for my coming appointment. I have question to ask her and probably I will request for a blood test. After being diagnosed with PCOS, I start to see how fragile is my life. PCOS might cause death when it is critical. It is a hormone imbalanced caused syndrome, we all know one hormone imbalance with triggers the other as well! Right? Seeing my mum taking a lot of pills for her cholesterol, hypertension, and insulin jap for her diabetes, I wanna make a change of my life.

PCOS can't be cure but it can be prevented for long term effects. The doctors said I have 80% chance to be infertility in future. What I wanna do now is, do my best to reduce my weight to 65kg before I reach 20 and cling on the Lord for His healing hands. Knowing I will have infertility is frustrated but I believe the Lord, I believe what He did to Sarah will be done to me too. Sarah is very old when she give birth to Jacob. Sarah can give birth even though her menstrual has stopped, what about me? I am younger than Sarah, but it is just the matter how big my faith to the Lord.

I am joining Gee for jogging everyday except Friday. Friday is a small group night, I expected I will have to cook and prepare meal for family, so I eliminate exercise from that day and also as a day off for my body to rest. We have jogging at Sentosa - trill hill, Sibuga complex and Tshun Yen Rainforest. TY Rainforest is a new place for me explore. I sweat a lot when I have a walk on that and experienced dizziness, because I went to walk there after I donated blood ._. Complex is the most easy place for me to jog. I will have to work harder, so I decide I will start running in the complex. No more walking, it is kindergarten job and doesn't burn too much calories.

I met a lady when I was jogging at Trill hill today. She went with her husband. So, Gee was talking with her husband, while I am talking to Lora, the wife. She is fair and sweet. She is from HK but she stayed here for more than 20 years. Main point is here, she is a Christian. We did some sharing about our lives, our family, our religion (Hahahah. We are all Christian!). I shared with her my passion to serve in full time pastoral but now the time is not here yet. She encouraged me and inspired me, leading me to see that, I should obey to the Lord - serving my mum before I go out to serve people.

I met 2 people on the way I go up and down the hill. Both of these people asking Gee, whether I am in nursing school. 2 person asking the same thing, saying the same thing "nursing" - I think this is no longer a coincident. Before this, I experienced God give light to me that I should go for nursing after my form 6 and I struggled and neglected it. After that, within a day, there are 3 person asking about my plan for future. I told them I have no idea but actually the thought that the Lord gave me have start to budding in me. Nursing is something can be consider. It suits my interest in medical field and taking care people as well. I take "Psychology" as my dream is because I want to help more people to look into what they really want and introduce them the creator of life, God. I know, I will have to give up my dream to be a psychologist. I believe too, the same time, the Lord has a loving plan in my life.

I wanna get some information from the nursing college near HDOK but I can't get anything, because they don't have a website >.< I am happy because Gee said she will try to get me the contact. See, if something is in mind the Lord, the Lord will send angels and resources that more than enough to accomplish that thing. Of course, I don't expect thing will happen with what I expected because God's way is higher than my way, just as the heavens are higher than the Earth.

I have set up a new covenant with the Lord tonight. I always set up covenant with the Lord because I like to work according to goals. Baptism was one of the covenant with the Lord 8 years ago. The Lord is gracious and prepared me within 8 years and now, I am baptized and will move on for the Lord.

I have been taking care of my mum because I have to do it. I do it out of responsibility, not love. I think it is not worth to give up my future because what I am doing now is just to be responsible. She hurts me a lot when I was young. Something that she done hurts me and I don't understand why she wanna do that, due to my immature thought, that actually affect me how to show love to my mum. Within these 2 days, I keep on praying and approaching the Lord for my mum. I know the hardest to do when you're enraged with someone, is to calm down and looking for their positive personalities. I did that when I was emotional disturbed. To do the hardest thing, it push me walk close to the Lord.

I found a better solution for our relationship. Let the Lord come into our relationship. I asked the Lord to give me the Love that belongs to Him. With the love of God, I will serve my mum, until my last breath. I am giving up my future into the Lord's hand, not my mum. With this, a new covenant is set up, it will stands forever until my last breath.

That's it for today :)

复杂为简单的事之聚

最近的生活不知道怎么了，视乎离开了我平常的轨道。想沉醉在文字和音乐的世界，或许那里容许我有无限的想象，那里有让我灵里富足的源头……平时所读的教科书不在话下，最近似乎又迷上了心理学的书籍。音乐方面就比较倾向于轻音乐，或许我是因为最近我一直在寻找着身心灵的平静。无可否认，真的只有上帝能够给我他那属天的平安。此外，我还在为他的绝情寻找着借口……

在偶然的机会下，我得知他在FB避开了我，我不明白我做错了什么，他也没有做出任何明确的表示。我还被蒙在鼓里，我想问却害怕受伤。受伤一次就够了，被同一个人伤多一次，可笑吗？我现在只想专心一意，全然的委身与上帝的事工，努力地以运动和平衡的饮食管理好自己的健康。我不会要求自己减肥，只要求自己能够健健康康继续地为上帝服务，好好的照顾家人，成为上帝喜悦的人。

我不要求别人同意我，了解我，因为没有人可以做到。唯有上帝能够明白了解我，接受我，训导我，安慰我，引领我，看清我生命的蓝图。我不要求别人的同时，我也希望人不要要求我去做我不想做的事，我不会去解释为什么我不想做某些的事情，因为我解释了，人啊，你会同意吗？你会接受吗？你会了解吗？你会安慰吗？或许会，或许不会，或许你只想我做了你希望我做的事就够了，人啊，你是否有发现你正在侵犯着我的人身自由和我的隐私吗？

我感恩上帝在这世上有很多关心我的人，但是上帝，对不起，我不懂得如何接受过多的关心，求上帝你管教指点。我知道自己不完美，我愿意去改过但是那并不代表你可以成为我生命的代理人，为我说明一切可行不可行的。我生命的代理人是我天上的父神，我听他的，就够了。人的声音太多了，蒙蔽了我聆听上帝的声音，你有发现你的罪恶有多深吗？你有发现你所说的话，是让人跌倒的吗？

简简单单的事，为什么要弄得那么复杂呢？是因为我是新人吗？是因为你对我的忠诚有疑问吗？如果有，请直接约我出去聊，好吗？我愿意对那些对我坦白直率的人坦白我的感受，反之，请记得当人开始论断其他的人的作为时，你是在论断着上帝创造之物， 也在论断着上帝的作为。人啊，为什么我不可以与我的朋友分享我们之间的事，我们之间没有见不得光的事，只有因为简单的事情的纠缠不清而变成复杂化的事情。我知道自己的眼光短浅，所以我需要他们的帮助和观点来帮助我从每个角度来看一件事。

人啊，如果你是在害怕我向我朋友说分享的事，会让他们在信心上跌倒，那难免太看小上帝保护他子民的心了吧？还是你在害怕他们在某个程度上对你们的认知，是你们不想让他们的知道的负面吗？请不要把你们做不到事情，达不到目标时的责任推到我身上。每个人都有选择成长的地方，直接的说，不是我来了数次，就代表我每天都在固定的出现，我有我人身移动的自由，也有其他的事情要眷顾。我不奢望你会了解，因为有一天你也会在新的环境下，遇到与我相似的事。

简单？哈哈哈……上述为本人在两个星期来的感受和看法，也发现简简单单的事放在一起就变复杂了。

No questions

No questions, please. No questions. Don't make things so complicated. Don't ask me "WHY". I don't wanna be mean and say straight to their face what I have kept in my heart since the conversation starts. I respect them as my friends and as they are elder than me, I take them as my leaders and ready to learn from them. I just want to clarify something here..


I am not a spontaneous person. I need to prepare myself, even just an simple outing. I need at least 1 hour to prepare myself physical and mentally. I expect a lot from the Lord in every fellowship. I expect the Lord to speaks to me. If you want me to fellowship under an unprepared situation, I would rather stay at home and spend my night reading.

I don't see the point I need to explain "WHY" to anyone upon my action or decision, if what I do doesn't affect anyone. As long as I do don't make people stumble. That's enough, right?


God, teach me Your way to do the right thing in Your sight but not pleasing anyone else. God, I thank You for the brother and sister's love toward me and Lord when I am stressed up when they start asking why, maybe You help me be patient and teach me to express myself with Your wisdom.

甜蜜的心痛

今天MUET 的听和写的试纸都派回来了。我的成绩和我所要的，还差两个band，但是最后一次的MUET已经近在眼前，我现在所能做的就只是尽我全力去阅读，去吸收更多的字词。

他的考试纸也在我这里。他写的文章是我唯一能够收藏的东西。当我一篇又一篇地看回他的文章，就好像不久之前我们常常课后留在课室自修，互相交换心得似地，只不过他的人已不在了。看着他对相亲婚姻（Arranged Marriage）看法的作文，很多的地方让我不禁失笑，不是他的文法，不是他的用词，而是他的坦诚和直接，他对事情看法的一针见血……那也是为什么我很喜欢和他谈天说地，因为对每一件事他都自己独特的看法，他常常帮助我从不同的角度看同一件事情，他也是一个（在我眼中）为自己收起很多真实感受的人，他和我一样期待找到同路人，一同同行服事的道路。或许时间不对，或许……我不知道，我们还是分开两地了。

和他相处的每一刻是我心头上的蜜糖，
但是现在放学后，
孤单一个人望着前面空无一物的座位却是我致命的毒药，
让我痛得喘不过起来，
有时甚至无法面对而提早回家。

回家的路程更是寂寞，
平时两个人的路程视乎转眼就过，
现在一个人的路程却视乎比永远更久。

下车过马路后，
我总是回过头来看他慢慢地走上山坡，
瘦瘦的背影单肩地背着书包，
一步一步地走着……
我曾经幻想他会回头发现我就站在不远处，
但是那就只是幻想。

现在，再也没有什么值得让我在回家的路上停下脚步，
因为对面的路上再也没有你。
回家的路上变成了我掩埋情绪的路途，
因为回到家，
我就是我家的保护者，
所谓的软弱就留给夜深无人时流下的眼泪吧！

心痛的甜蜜，甜蜜的心痛？到底是哪一个呢？是先心痛才感到甜蜜，还是因为甜蜜才心痛？我不知道，我混淆了……

一波接一波

原来走耶稣的路是那么的崎岖不平的，我从来没有想过我会有短时间内有这么多和复杂的经历。从朋友的突然离开，到被一个长辈言语上得罪，事情的杀伤力越来越大，我也发现自己是多么的渺小。很多年前，一位英裔的宣教士对我说过耶稣是我们唯一的朋友，我要时时仰望他从那里得到完全的力量。很多年后的今天，我很感谢这位现在不知在何处为主劳作的宣教士，他说得对，耶稣真的是我唯一的朋友。这段时间虽然很苦毒但是上帝仍然看顾保守，教导我如何依靠他成为情绪稳定的女生。

我已能够看清我现在的处境，当我们愿意为上帝做任何的事情时，魔鬼就会来骚扰，使人离开上帝。青年主日的话剧很经典，我也曾经经历过但是那段时间虽然视乎没有人来救我，但是在3年后，一次的犯错，上帝来拯救了我，把我带回他的身边。接下来的的祷告读经的日子，视乎是风平浪静，但是我说那是暴风雨前的宁静。无忧无虑，风平浪静三个月的读经生活，在第四个月便变成的评估月，视乎是上帝在考验我对他有多少的信心。

当我无助，颓废，胡思乱想的时候，我发现最简单也是最难做的事情就是祷告。因为祷告视乎很被动，他不能对伤害你的人做出任何的提醒。我只能默默地哭泣，向我看不见但是我确信他存在的神说话。快一个星期了，我每个晚上都是在流泪祷告中熬过去，凭信心相信睡醒了，一切会有所改变。虽然每天睡醒了事情还是好像一样，但是我依然相信当中是有所改变的，至少每天我长大了一点。

我确信我的过去，已过去，不能再对我有什么伤害。我欣然接受我的过去，因为上帝应用他们来让我活出今天的生命。我也愿意原谅这位长辈在有欠妥当的情况下的失言，我会继续尊重他，如同我尊重我的牧师们，我会继续花时间了解和接受他，如同上帝三番四次的了解我的感受和接纳我。

Outing

Finally, I went out with Gee last night, together with Bryan and his pretty girl friend, Siaw See :) Just before I shared about our outing last night. I learned a lesson on texting. Read all the text before you give any reaction toward it. This is because Bryan text me yesterday and he was asking whether we go 7 heaven for ice cream. He has a suggestion about there is place serving good coffee and cake but I didn't realized about it because it was at the last part of his text. I didn't reply his text, instead, I called him >.< I didn't realized he was giving suggestion. I feel so bad last night because they don't get to have coffee at 7 Heaven last night. Sorry, Bryan!

So, Bryan, Siaw See and I went to 7 Heaven first and inside there were empty, only workers are around. We walked in and after a while, suddenly a group of people coming in, the whole atmosphere just changed in a sudden, warmed up :) Gee was late (hahahaha...) and I get to know Bryan's girl friend, Siaw See there. She is pretty and attractive as I saw on Bryan's profile picture :D Around 7.40pm, Gee just arrived in a rush so I asked her to treat us, since she was late!

We shared a lot of things last night. Like about their work (There are 3 pharmacists!), the hospital, little bit about posting, about my school, and my situation at new church. I am really blessed to have Gee as my buddy as she has always been my encouragement and support no matter what situation I am in. Even though am in a new church, a different church from her, we are still close friends and support one another.

I start to see a thing when my emotion returned to it normal state. God is truly a God who cares and listen to prayers. A good friend of mine, Nelson left but God send me another bunch of friends like Bryan, Daniel, the Junior Youth. It takes time to build up friendship but I believe the Lord will the lead between us. May the Lord bless our friendship and help us to grow stronger in Faith  ;)

Time to go to church, ciao~

Normalization

Hey, people! I am getting fine here! Thank you for all your care and words of encouragement throughout the week. Thanks for helping to see things in from difference angles. I am ready to back to my normal life routine :)

振作！

這個字眼我已經對自己說了很多很多次，但是沒有一次有用。我禱告，我坦誠地向上帝抒發我的情緒，我誠實的接受我的情緒，我以為那會讓我很快就好起來，但是沒有。

這幾天我花了比平時多的時間去讀聖經，去禱告。因為情緒上的波動，讓我有時候很難去控制自己的語言和態度。我不想因為一個人的離開然我得罪了全部的朋友。上帝，你還在顧念我嗎？我求你在我每個流淚的晚上，來為我擦去我的眼淚，教導如何在這樣的情況下仰望你，依靠你。人們或許很多都不明白，不理解，或不曾花時間去理解我的心情，甚至在這段時間和我開很多對我來說是殺傷力超大的玩笑，主啊，我求你繼續同在，教導我如何從你那裡得到完全的愛而滿足。當我靈作難時，求主你不要撇面不看，因為我正需要你。求你來安撫我靈，使它能夠脫離屬世的東西而完全專注在神你的榮美當中。

心中憂鬱誰人懂，唯有上帝恩典來安撫。
多少時光行己路，上帝依然同行中。
上帝慈愛皆有忍耐，悲傷來襲主慰問。
若問千萬人中有誰懂我，我心深知上帝是唯一。

Tuesday

Today was a miserable day for me. I had insomnia again last night. I finished my report at 11.30pm but I can only get into sleep around 1am according to the radio report. I had a lot of dreams during my sleep as well but I couldn't remember any of them. I woke up at 5.45am and was almost late when I reached school at 6.43am. My mood was spoiled and I planned not to go for the farewell lunch for Nelson.

My day started with 2 periods of Biology class teaching something about blue light, red light, long day, short day plants. Having bad memories about this class. 3 chapters of note need to be complete by tonight because the note need to pass up tomorrow >.< Biology are all FACTS! Why do we need to copy the FACTS from the book and let the teacher check whether the FACTS are correct? Anyway, I still need to obey the command and finish my note tonight.

I had 7 periods of Chemistry today, so called a "Chemistry Day". We have 3 periods of tutorial and 4 periods for the experiment. I was having difficulty when I was comparing the equation to get the Faraday constant based on my experiment result. I got it as 98533C but theoretically Faraday Constant should be 96500C. So my result for Faraday constant was greater than the theoretical one, therefore my L (Avogrado's constant) is lesser than the theoretical one. I got my L as 6.16x10^23 but theoretically is 6.23x10^23. So it is slightly differ from the theoretical one for 0.06x10^23. My conclusion was saying this is due to some of the Cu ion dissolved into the CuSO4 solution and not precipitated on the cathode and caused this difference. Hmm. I am glad my scientific analyzing skill still working well until today (:

After school, my class planned to have farewell lunch with Nelson. I don't feel like going at first but I afraid I will regret if I don't see him for the last time in this year. I do admit I have special feeling toward this guy but I know what I should concentrate now. Since he had chosen the way that he wants to have in future, as my friend, I will give him my blessing and support his decision. We went KFC for the farewell and I enjoyed it. We took our first picture together and I realized I am shorter than him. I wanna to hang around with them but I was emotionally disturbed. I hardly accept he leaving us so soon! I said goodbye to him with a smile and walked away, my smile just faded when I turned my face. I forced myself to be someone that I am not, to express in a way that I don't feel that way. I am just trying my best to keep the best impression for him, I wish the things we experienced together and memories we had, will be the most precious treasure in our lives!

I came home around 2pm and start doing my note until 3pm. Took a nap at 3.30pm and woke up at 4.30pm. I had a lot of dreams, complicated dreams. The thing I only remember about the dreams are someone keep on repeating "Oh my goodness!" >.< It is my turn to say "Oh my goodness" because I am having insomnia and looking forward for dreamless night. I wish I don't dream so much tonight and allow my brain to have the best rest!

Bryan, Daniel and I went for grocery shopping at servay just now. I just knew these 2 guys for around 2 or 3 weeks. They are quite friendly and we just built up our friendship just as, how I built up our friendship with Irwinder, just within a short time. This is my Nth time grocery shopping with my friends but FIRST time with male friends. Most of the time, I shopped with Eyen for her groceries and ingredients to prepare nice meals for Dandelions. It was quite fun and allow me to observe more of my friends. Bryan is still quiet but at least now we have a little bit more conversation. He is very independent and shopped on his own. Daniel only start talking when he left the car. hahaha. I don't know why. I feel so awkward when I get into the car whereby everyone just quiet and quiet only. I assume Daniel is a good chief since he is able to plan out a lot dishes he wants to cook and probably he is a better cook than me :D I am planning whether I should drop by their place and cook them a meal (actually I want Daniel to cook for me but he refuse, instead, he ask me to cook for him. I am so glad he believe I can food that is eatable. hahahaha.) and Daniel and I were arguing who should do the washing. Since Daniel said he likes washing while, Bryan likes the cooking part only with everything prepared. So, Bryan was like Yee Hau, who desire the cooking process only and I hope, Bryan doesn't create so much things to wash like Yee Hau :P

Now, am home and am going to do prepare my "Science Tricks" proposal on July and proposal on renewing the Junior Youth song book. I wish I can give my best service to the Lord and to my class. 5 days of holidays are waiting me now! :D

Monday blues

It has been a long time since my last post in English. I did most of my recent post in chinese is because I no longer attending an English church and many things that come in touch with my life has changed its language to Chinese. However, today is another exception that I wanna blog in English.

Today is my MUET (Malaysia University English Test) Speaking final examination. I am the first person for the first group because we are from Science Class and my surname starts with C. So, being the first of the first, I was quite nervous. We got exception from attending the assembly since our exam will be start on 7.30am. I spent around 30 minutes to read my Bible in my class. I start making this habit since 2 weeks ago. I did that because I have no time to do that at home since I have rush in the morning. Breakfast, newspapers, getting some snacks for my mum as lunch and etc. Besides that, I believe when I start doing this in my class, the Lord will start to revive us although some of them are not Christian.

Before I read my Bible, I prayed to the Lord for His encouragement and support me and my team throughout the exam. When I was reading the Bible, I expect the Lord would speak to me even just through a single verse as a reminder and evidence He is there for me and my teammates. Finished reading Leviticus, nothing. Continue on with Psalm and there is where the Lord speaks to me.

Psalm 111:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of the wisdom, all who follow His precepts have good understanding. To Him belongs eternal praise.

Awesome, right? The verse just shoot straight into my heart and I start to have more peace in facing my exam. I joined back my group for warm up trial after my Bible reading. We can't speak well during the trial because all of us are nervous and uncertain of the unknown topics that are waiting for us.

During the registration and queue up to enter the examination room, one of my team members, asked me to pray with her. That was a big surprise to me! Well, I actually got anti-ed by my classmates last time because they think I am so cool and egoistic. That was my fault to gave them such first impression. Form 6 was not in my plan, anyway and I wasn't happy when I got into Form 6, sort of wasting time. I did prayed together with my team member for wisdom and calm mind during the exam. We met a very good examiner as well, her name is Catherine. She is kind and friendly. Our group were relaxed after Task A, individual presentation because of her friendliness and what she said. She said :" We are here to help you to pass, to pass with excellent but you have cooperate with us that you will speak as much as you can." That was so heart warmy :D

After having a super duper high Adrenaline rush, I get to know a friend of mine is leaving the school for Optic Diploma in KL. I already knew this news on Saturday. I tend not to react extremely on that but still I failed. When I saw him sitting in the staff room with his mother, I just realized I am not ready to accept his leaving. However, I still walked in and talk with his mother, just to have a conversation. I hardly remember why I walked in this morning.

I tried my best to "compressed" my feeling, my negative feeling. I know what's reaction and action if I allow this negative feeling continue to grow. I will get frustrated and start to show my "dark face" to people around me. I just don't want that to happen. People didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't vent my frustration toward them. 4 periods of Maths class. I tried to focus my mind on my maths exercise but that was not working and I spent that 2 hours with blank minded. That's the only way I can stop the negative feeling from growing. Keep compressed, compressed and compressed....

Not until the end of the school, my classmates were saying loud in the class "someone is sad because someone has left." I know they were talking about me but I am too tired to bother them. With the bad night rest, adrenaline rush this morning and emotion compressing for almost 3 hours, I am already tired and weary. I almost lost my mind when one of my friends came to me and said: "Nelson left. Are you sad?" I told her, I am okay with this. I already knew this on Friday night from his mother. There is nothing to be sad, life should be move on." I end my sentence with a laugh but am actually lying to my friend. I am not okay. I am still wondering why I tend to react so extreme toward his leaving. I thought we were just friends, no chemistry? Or I myself have started to admire him but I didn't realized it since we always spend time together in the class after school, talking about nonsense and discussing our sharing etc?

I hardly get into sleep for these few days and this noon, I tell myself "Jacklyn, it is over. No matter how do you depressed are you, you need a REST." So, I have the best nap today after so many sleepless night.

I actually have a date with my friends for going to fresh markets and shop for groceries at 5.30pm. I was shocked when I woke up at 4.30pm! 1 hour time, prepare dinner and bathing? What a challenging routine! However, when I checked my phone, my friend told me the shopping changed to tomorrow because they are going for friend's birthday (: Then my mum asked me no need to cook and went for restaurant outside to have our dinner ^^

Well, this conclude part of my Monday. Just be frank here, I afraid of losing control over my emotion because I know how powerful and dangerous is the word. A word might able to raise someone up, as well as, kill someone. May the Lord teach and help me not to speak when I am depressed.

《清心守候的女人》 - 辛勤耕耘的女人

這一章是比較著重在女人的服事態度和一些教導如何面對單身的問題。

John Fischer 說過：「神呼召我現在活著。他要我意識到男人的全然潛力，為自己所處的環境感恩，而且盡情享受其中的樂趣。我發現一個奇怪的現象：似乎每個期待的結婚的人，在踏入婚姻，咀嚼婚姻的滋味后，竟然期待自己再次單身！他會自問：＂爲什麽當我尚未有這麼多義務之前，不善用時間服事神？當我還是單身時，爲什麽不把自己完全交給神？」
我覺得這番話很值得去思想，雖然我還沒有結婚但是我肯定如果現在我沒有把自己獻給神，我在將來是會後悔的。從我開始閱讀這本書到現在，我的眼光已經從人轉移到上帝的國度，但是我的心還在掙扎。我要如何把自己獻給神，這樣做后會有什麽的後果等等的疑問。

在閱讀這一章，我也開觀察自己服事的態度。我是否有緊緊地跟隨神并勤於服事他？我服事的態度是否漸漸的消退在怨天尤人和自憐里？我相信很多的女性都因為單身而自憐，但是與其把時間浪費在討好世上的愛人和自憐，為何不先討好上帝呢？至於如何面對自戀的謊言就是：「事情通常是這樣的，每當我不在問神為我預備的是什麽，而開始問我可以提供什麽時，事情就開始有所改善。首先是從我的態度開始，我努力追求靈命的成長，而且跟神之間一對一的關係也越顯穩固，并找機會服事人。」追求上帝是唯一讓我們心靈富足的道路，因為我們所需的一切皆從神來！

當我繼續深入探討「辛勤」這兩個字時，我發現他背後的意義正是許多人都不願意去順服的，就是「專注和無怨無悔」。專注是什麽？專注就是你專心地，一次只做一件事。速食的文化已漸漸入侵世界甚至是教會里，什麼東西都要快，一次過要完成兩件事以上。這樣的情況下，基督徒要更加依靠神來把自己的腳步調慢，并阻擋速食文化的入侵。之餘無怨無悔就是無怨言和無悔恨下完成一件事。但是試問有多少個人能做到呢？人們的不知足，對於身邊的每一件事都有怨言，就只有怨言，連值得向上帝感恩的事情都忽視了！專注和無怨無悔的功課都是我要學習的，我不能說我從不感恩上帝的恩典，但是我相信現在所看到的只是恩典的一部份，還有更多的在我的忽視中。

辛勤在服事里所扮演的角色：教學，鼓勵，禱告，服務，寫信，傾聽，招待，幫助和鮮為人知的工作。不知爲什麽當我看到這些事工時，就好像上帝在對我說：「你現在也可以開始服事了！」當我開始擬清我服事的動機是什麽的時候，我似乎不再在乎別人是否能看見我在事奉，我不是做給人看而是以服事來回報上帝的恩典。Richard Foster說過一句話：「如果我們服事是要做給人看的，我們真會成為膚淺的人。」

最後，這章說明凡想進入任何一種的事工，都需要有奉獻的態度。奉獻幾乎是可以和「專注」和「無怨無悔」拉上關係。所以每當我們要為上帝做一件事的時候，請記得要查驗自己的態度哦！

掃墓任務完成

今天6點左右就起來準備去掃墓了。早餐就吃2塊餅乾，一杯Horlicks就出門了。今天一路上都走得很慢，還不小心摔了一跤，幸好我的“八月十五”夠大，沒有摔得太重。剛開始的時候，不是很痛，走完了四個地方就開始痛了 >.<

其實摔一摔也不錯，至少我知道我的鞋子要換了，我要多一點跑山，我要想辦法提高我的新陳代謝等等……“八月十五”是很痛啦但是很值得因為我終於能夠去為我爸掃墓，向他獻上我最大的感恩。我還是說了我之前在我網址所寫的那一番話，感謝他曾經那麼強逼我念書，以至今天我非常愛書，也以學習為我的樂趣。

掃墓的任務總算完成了，我可以繼續向前走了！明天，MUET SPEAKING考試，愿上帝幫助我有清晰的思緒，有智慧的對答，讓我在這次考試中拿得好的成績！

星期五+ 思青團契初體驗

昨天可說是皆大歡喜的一天，一來是考試終於完畢了！我的數學二也派回來了，21/33，不錯吧？原來多做練習，多溫習它的概念，成績出來真的是不一樣！二來是我終於明白什麽叫做「不同流合污」！

昨天的In House Plus Pengajian Am 講座的時候，6AS （也就是我現在讀著的那一班）被講員老師當衆批評和臭駡一頓。雖然我也是6AS的一分子，但是我並沒有被老師的話刺傷，因為有很多的事情我並沒有參與在其中。被罵的時候，我就像是個局外人，隔岸看戰并希望老師的那一番話真的能夠讓他們看清楚6AS其實也是很普通的一班，不應該有學術的差別而把自己看得比別人高，甚至比老師高！你過去的成績，多少個A+都已成過去，你的過去不能在未來為你見證什麽，未來最好的見證就是做好現在的事。念好書，學好禮儀，就够了。有時候很多事情，我都看不順眼但是爲了不想惹起不必要的麻煩，就靜靜好了。所以，希望這一次被老師當衆的臭駡可以讓6AS的每一個人都醒醒！如果你真的很聰明，很有本事，你就不必進中六委曲求全地進本地大學了，你們可以直接進私立大學！6AS十個學生當中，有爸爸為校長的同學，有家境雄厚的同學，有天資聰明的同學，如果真的覺得學校的老師讓你們受委屈了，你們還有其他的選擇，不必在老師後面做小動作。就算我們是6AS又怎樣？是理科生又怎樣？是誰說理科生出去了一定是有好工作，賺大錢的？在學校學不會尊重師長那麼簡單的功課，以後出社會了一就是眼睛長在頭頂了，二就是被人踩到地底了！雖然對於有些老師的無理取鬧，我也有同感但是當我帶入老師的角度去看我們所做的事，我也會有同樣的憤怒和無理取鬧。希望這一次的教訓可以讓6AS學會一些功課，也希望往後的日子大家真的能夠學會「尊師重道」這道理！

昨天也是我第N次撥電話給我不認識的福音車駕駛員，麻煩他今晚送我去教會參加少團聚會。我真的很不好意思，因為我猜他應該住在5哩以上的，要他下來3哩班載我，還真不好意思呢……今晚一定要好好謝謝這位駕駛員！

昨晚也是我第一次去青團聚會！哇，有夠刺激的！聚會晚上7.30分開始，我晚上6.15還在找交通！那時還未沖凉，吃飯，連母親都還沒有知道我要出去！我還是很感恩上帝因為他讓我有一個很好和貼心的顧問幫忙我找交通，信息電話來回不知道多少通，真是感謝上帝的安排和差派！在去教會的的路途中，我一直不斷的禱告因為我發現一件事，我沒有向神交代這件事！就一直忙忙忙著找交通，完全忘了依靠神！路途中，我就開始做禱告和準備自己的心。雖然說是去看看，但是我還是很期望上帝會透過這樣的聚會跟我表明他更多更深奧的旨意。我完全不知道我去到那裡會發生什麽事，那裡的人會有什麽反應，那一天的活動是什麽等的細節，我什麽都不知道就這樣拿了聖經就出門了。到了教會，上了三樓，看門之前，我還猛吞了口水，因為我很害怕！！推門進去后，還好的，因為有我認識的Daniel和Bryan在，所以我就坐在他們中間準備查經班的開始。

那天晚上我們討論的是約翰福音3章，重點在『重生』很特別的一個話題。我也在這裡公開一下我昨晚學到的功課。列如：「什麽是重生？」「爲什麽要重生？」「怎樣重生？」重生不是 1）熟悉聖經真理 2）相信神跡 3）尊敬耶穌 4）相信有上帝 5）從頭或重新做人。要重生是因為 1）那是耶穌說的 2）要得永遠的生命 3）要與神相通 4）生命側底改變。
重生是藉著水和靈 （生活行為）和信耶穌從死裡復活。雖然那天晚上我的小組沒有做很多的討論，因為每個人很累了除了William，一直在講笑話 >.< 當天晚上所得到的不止這些，而是接下來每個星期日交通的問題都迎刃而解了！我的兩位朋友他們住在Grandview，所以他們上教會的時候就可以順便載我了，這樣比麻煩不知道在那裡住的福音車駕駛員載我更好，哈哈哈哈~

終結來說，我在青團聚會的初體驗還蠻好的！這樣比之前的小組查經班讓我學會更多因為有些時間可以做筆記。我很感恩上帝與我同行的一天，他讓講員老師的臭駡作爲了我對自己鞭策，要學會尊敬的功課，他也讓我看見當我忘了他的時候，他依然幫助我處理我的問題，禱告的力量是不可被忽視的因為我所禱告的，上帝都聽見並為我做出最好的安排，我以後也可以不為交通的問題煩了！

列外篇：昨晚Daniel贊我的字很美，讓我現在每寫一個字都要檢查好幾篇，快受不了自己過分的完美主義了！ 然後我之前認為很靜很cool的一個人，他還是很靜，笑點超高的，很冷靜，但是我們喜歡的東西卻有一點點的相似。我雖然愛看電腦（多數是在看電子書）愛看書，但是我也很崇向大自然的風景（突然發現我很久沒有拍攝美景了，找時間要做做這件事！）或許那就是爲什麽我們的視力差這樣遠。昨晚懶惰帶隱形眼鏡，結果上課時變瞎子看不到前面，幸好可以抄隔壁的筆記~ 呵呵呵……