Saturday hotness :)

I can hardly open my eyes now but I am going to Hannah at 3pm :/ Now is already 1.39pm. I have to bath and pack up my chord sheets for tonight :DD

When I slept late last night and wake up really early this morning, I already know I will be a dead body today. I planned to wake up at 8 but I woke up 5 as my area was black out, 6 my mum woke me up and I can't continue to sleep due to the heat. 2 hours doing nothing, just do some writing to list out what I have to learn by this holiday, some planning for next year on school duty and academic aims and eh. spend the longest time inside the bathroom with cold water. I usually finish bathing in 15-20mins but I stayed inside for 35 mins today. hahahahaha..

Went out with friend for a short outing, sharing, teasing and laughing. Back to church, the most challenging were already waiting for me. Once I arrived, start practice the dance "I love Jesus" for the audition to perform on 17-19 Dec. If I didn't have that conversation last night, I guess I won't have the faith and strength to motivate myself to do well and enjoy this super sweaty dance. After dancing, it was drama practice "Tomorrow". For the very first time, I have an aim on such thing, I meant performing on stage as a performer, not a musician. I want to be the Narrator or the Jesus character. Just either one. I don't want to be the main, it needs to be very emotional and childish - to me it is childish for a girl to keep bully his boy friend. So, eh.. I will keep my positive minded and move on until the day of audition.

After dnd, I am finally home with some wonderful food. I got hungry at 10.45am when I were still in the audition. Hungry makes an angry man and hungry makes me angry :( Now, I am full and comfortable. There are still many practices waiting for me, "Heaven is counting on You", "One", "God is so good". 1 dance, 2 songs :) 

Self motivating...............stuff packing.....preparing speech for tonight (OMG!) about thanksgiving. ...challenging...but, I will stop saying Never but DO IT RIGHT :D

What a tired day!

I think I have the most craziest day today. Sharing my time evenly for family, ministry and small group. Every aspect are well taken care of but there's a price to pay, fatigue!

Tomorrow SBC is going up to Hannah at night. I am so excited for that because I miss my friends and the food so much! Muack for all the Korean Food and Philippians Food. Wohoo~

Time to go, I have another conversation waiting for me in Facebook :D

Holiday kickstart!

Today is the first day of the first week of my holiday. I am already bored with it. I want to study for my Chemistry but my laziness drag me back. Tomorrow would be the first day I serve as "junior" staff. Hmm..

I thought holiday will be really exciting but I am so bored now :( I need find something to do instead of sitting before the laptop. However, I found something interesting. I just found out I used to be someone's first love. LOL. That's the most funny information I got. I dislike that guy up to the fullest yet his friend said I am his first love. *puke out all my breakfast*

We don't even started for a relationship, how come I would be his "first love"? Plus, I don't think he is treating me the same way as his friend said. He is being mean to me and spread rumour and "promoting" my blog all over the Facebook. I have decided to make another blog that I will only make known to some people that I have selected. 

This is going to be a boring holiday, anyway. Unless .......

Something new

I learn something new today, from a conversation with my friend that had been MIA (Missing in Action) for some months.

Accept your weaknesses and don't shy to let others know (in school la) but don't lied.

Make your weaknesses as your strong points because that's the thing people don't own but you do. 

Sometimes, I used to think what kind of person I want to be. I don't want to be someone who always got bullied or affected by others. I want to be someone who is able to fight back in a manner that people won't realized but do bring affect on them. I should experience more and learn more from this friend of mine. I just wish he won't MIA for another 6 months again..hehehe..

I don't know how I should express myself today. I am happy, nervous, happy, nervous and hyper now, with migraine! I just want to say thank you to two gentlemen that send me to church and send me home just now :D Thanks, gentlemen! 

Learn the difference between fetching and pick me up/send me home/other destination. Fetching is meant for animal, said SH :P

I never know..

There are things you never know if you never ask or you never tell someone. I knew what I never know tonight. I never know I really got so mad with that girl until I was telling another person. Through the way I expressed myself just now, I know I have been forcing myself NOT to bother about her but I actually do mind about that. I should learn a better way to deal with her and deal with those rumor that flying over the class, the schools and on the Facebook. Receiving a rose from an unknown is not a big deal, okay? I already placed that rose in my bathroom to dry that and also, I don't wish to put it in my room. It is wasting my space. I don't care who send that, you deserve it since you don't tell me who you're.

I never know my reason to reject a guy is funny until I was telling another person and make him laugh and question me back. Well, too thin can be a reason, right? We won't be match if we stand together. I wish when me and my partner stand together, people can see some matching. Moreover, I need someone who is mature and stronger than me. I am really a insecure lady :P Obviously outlook and age would be one of the convincing points of is he the right guy.Right? I know I am mean but hmm.. :X

And, I never know I have made such firm stand since 15 about my relationship should be built on stable financial and I am still keeping that in mind and I shared this to a him :o I can't believe that I have express the truest me in front of this friend. I only told my besties (Who are all girls) in secondary school when I start to have this thought. I never tell a him although there was necessity I have to said this but I lied :X  I made out of reasons to reject someone but I have another real reason upon what I have done. Am I bad? :/ I know I am not a perfect person or a pretty person but that doesn't mean I don't have a right to choose, right? 

I finally received the first wedding invitation card that printed with my name on, Miss Jacklyn Chung at my age of 18 last Sunday. I was so happy and extraordinarily hyper but not until my mum received another wedding invitation card from the same couple, the lady side. My mum wants to send me as on behalf of her to attend the dinner. Eh..that's mean I need to sit together with some elders that I have no idea who they are. Moreover, I just recover from my intestinal infection, can I eat those food? I am wondering. I am sure this would only happen once a lifetime. Saturday for the lady, Sunday for the gentlemen, if I am not mistaken. I wish I will be able to enjoy both of the days.  I am still hyper anyway, but I can't figure out why am I hyper-ing now, right now~

 I am going to play keyboard tomorrow morning worship. I have some fear about my performance. I seem like not up to the expectation of myself, as well as my leader. What I can do now is just keep reminding myself the Lord need not my performance to please him but my heart. I need not chase after people's expectation because I am doing that for the Lord and I will do my best for the Lord. Argh. I wish I won't stick out my tongue on the stage when I realized I did a mistake and no more head shakings for mistakes. Argh! Lord, help me! 


Thank God I have transport to go church tomorrow, not by bus but a much more comfortable way. I am going with my friend's car, a friend that elder than me for 10 years! Hahahaha..I have overestimated his age. Sorry, man :P I will be coming home after service because my uncle is coming back from UK!! Yahoo~~ I didn't meet him for 7 years, wonder if he could recognize me...but I didn't change much, still rounded face and er..pale body shaped like what my mum referred. He is going to get married soon. Gosh, another red boom! 


I am waiting for him to reply but I guess he is bathing or maybe doing something else :/ I better sleep now. Another challenging day is waiting for me!! Newspaper, breakfast, get ready, church, UNCLE and start studying :)

EyeBrush

Well, went with my mum for optic specialist this morning and I love this doctor so much! Overall, my mum's eyes is okay, just one more medicine added into her routine medicine for eyesight. Extra care should be given too when she is going to outdoor. She needs to wear sunglasses and take Multivitamins, specifically in B complex and A. I got her a Multivitamin that is quite high in Vitamin A, hope that would help her.

My mum asked me a question about money and health and just before she asked me, I have thought of this question. It just depends which one do you take favour in. Your life or your wealth. I think wealth is useless when you have no health. So, I told my mum, if I were she, I will use money to give myself a better life and healthier body. Seeing doctor isn't a waste as long as that helps you to live a better life. Money, we can earn it again. 


I am saying this not because I know I am going to used a lot of my mum's money coming future but because I really see the importance of life rather than money. I am going to do blood test and probably meet specialist from SMC next month. This holiday is not gonna be easy for me.
 

Oh TOO BAD

Today suppose to be my small group, Dandelion retreat. I really wish to join that I couldn't due to my phone was completely dyfunction last night and I didn't realized. Second was because I have to go back to school tomorrow and I know my health status that I need some more rest.

Spent another day at home. Reading. Planning. Thinking. Praying. Eating. Playing. Suffering now. I wanna finish my reading on Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix by today but I was distracted :P I also spent some time on planning and think about my holiday. Should I go for work or study at home or be volunteer in church? At last, I choose to work at my nanny's place, teaching little kids to read and write. I think mostly just read and teach them how to recognize words and sort of it. I will work for 5 days a week, 250 bucks a month. Not too bad, right? I can still do my own study when I am teaching them. 

Spent time to pray as well. Really miserable recently. A lot of thoughts and words spoken out and done without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I can also see that God didn't call for the Hannah Training Camp. I am not sad for that but I continue to pray with expectation that the Lord will call me one day. I know the Lord sees a bigger picture than everyone around me does, including myself. So, to avoid wasting time, I think it is best to obey the Lord with humbleness.

I ate quite a lot of times today. The doctor told me to eat slowly and eat at a fixed interval. I was practicing and that wouldn't be too hard. Maybe today I was too bored and have no way to express myself, I ate a lot and ate really fast, based on what my mum observed. I also ate around 5 big prawns today without realizing my illness. I have intestinal infection, seafood like prawns and crabs should be avoided but I took prawn today. So, I am having intestinal irritation now. Have really bad stomachache when I bubu and feel like puke after I bubu. I have retake my medicine again, argh! Hate the pills!

My mum is going for Optic Specialist tomorrow. She has some problem on her eyesight, seeing stuff in double shadows when the light is too strong and directed to her eyes. I guess she had sensitive eyes. It is much more better to check up by a specialist and to really know how to cure that. I will be going with her too because the specialist will be an Indian lady if I am not mistakenly guess from her name and my mum needs someone to speak out of her situation in English. I know my mum always been proud of my ability in learning languages and shown really good result in that and I am glad too I can help my mum with the talents God placed in my life.

I will have to explain to the teacher tomorrow. I hope she will let me go, if she doesn't allow, I will still have to go, without my report card. I used think of the importance of family and study, with lots of struggling, I put family first. So, no matter how or what happened tomorrow, I will still have to leave before 9am. Really sorry to my group mates that I won't be around for the Ecology Project tomorrow. 

So, in conclusion, I am having a "Oh-NOT TOO BAD" day  but because of my fault, taken in food that I shouldn't take, I have make myself today a "Oh-TOO BAD" day. Stomach irritation is bad :( I shall pray that the Lord will heal me now.

Honesty

What do you expect to see from me? Crying like a baby girl? Nah, you're wrong. I am not going to cry like a baby girl upon things that I don't get. If I don't get this one, I will wait for another one. I am sure there is someone better ahead or maybe, I already have one by my side is just I didn't realized it.

I can only say, I am silly. I have allowed it enter my life and interrupting my life from its normal routine and track. However, because of my silliness, I have got a friend that I think it is worth to have. When a friend daresay to stand up for you even though its identity is sensitive in that case, well, you have got a friend that is worth to have forever. I discussed this with YT and he agreed.

I need not clear out my emotion but I need to refocus on God again.

Good night, all creatures of God :)

不为你

我不因你不喜欢而贬低自己，
 就如我说过，
“我不想去侵犯一个不属于我的男人，因为我不想真正属于他的人难过。只要把自己带入一个情况设想，原本只属于你的一些东西，在你到手前却被很多人摸过，捏过，甚至弄脏了！你会难过吗？一个人无数次的去不同的女生谈恋爱就等于了他一直在侵犯属于别人的女人，而他的爱一点也不矜贵，因为在你之前，他已经和无数个女生分享过了应该只属于你的爱。我 猜想，没有人会想要属于自己的爱在自己到手前，已经被无数人分享过了吧？我个人，是很不喜欢，所以就算我现在真的很想有个伴，我还是选择等，因为我要我第 一次的恋爱，也是我最后一次的恋爱，把我最好的第一次都留给那个只应该属于他的那个人。在等待的这一段时间，我要好好的享受并领受他的大爱，因为唯有神的 爱是永恒的爱，不计较错误的爱，我要以这爱来爱我身边的每一个人。唯有爱，才能使一个人义无反顾地去奉献生命。”

男生不一定要当英雄，因为只要你愿意，
上帝可以做你们俩的真正的英雄！

Rose

Received the third rose ever in my life today. First rose was from my youth leader when we were on the way to Bundu Tuhan, somewhere around the Kundasang. Second rose was during my secondary graduation. Third rose is today, the gift sending organized by Prefect Society. The one who sent me this rose didn't shown up his/her name but I guess it is a SHE. I guess that is from Wong Bik May, my bestie. Hahaha..

Heaviness....
My emotion was fluctuating since yesterday. Things weren't going as smooth as I thought. I got so high spirit yesterday morning for I have received a certificate upon my well-disciplined performance. At the same time, my heart was being down, really down when I know I have to act to be not too cared about that. My mood continue to be at down hill for the whole day for I am not able to go Hannah because of need to back to school today.

I miss Hannah members so much. They are my best friends and I am sure Rolly and Refy are able to comfort me. I know for now, I should stop moody and move on. That's part of life. I need to fight, fight for my study, fight for my ministry, fight for my future. I spent most of my time on Harry Potter today in the Biology Lab. When I heard his voice, I had a sense of excitement but when I look at him, that reminds me what I have said on msn with him. I continued my reading and ate by my own regret of what I have said.

Another attack on emotional just now. A creature of God commented on my blog on a specific blog about him. I hate that so much and I am set myself on a trap that I have fight back in a bad manner. Another proof how bad is my spiritual awareness. Hmm. I am sorry, my Lord. And I am sorry to who-so-ever-that-is-concerned, especially Gabriel and Nelson.

I should have make a time to clear out my emotion. Tomorrow is Wednesday, I wish to go for Mission Day but I have school on Thursday. Thus, I need to wait for 2 more days to really talk to my leader about this. I am sure they will ask "Why do you choose to let this happen after you make a decision to offer your life to the Lord?" This is the question that stopping from approach my leader but I gave up now. I will approach them no matter what question they will ask.

I want grow out from this, God has a bigger plan awaits me.

Once again, thanks for the rose  :)

Rejoice!!

I guess, I will write my blog in English again. If there is no special issue, I wish I won't change my language to express myself. Rejoice, for I, finally continue to live my own life for the Lord and write for my own feeling.

I just came back Hannah. I have hectic day. I helped in the steward department, lunch, SBC youth visitation, serving in Cafe, aggrieved during serving, mood down, deceiving myself, talk to Refi, pray to God, dinner, bath, read the Bible, I am RECOVERED now ;)

Tiredness and feeling of insecure are killing. I am not angry with the brother who wronged me and talked to me in a harsh manner. I understood how things happen when you are busy and you are looking for a hand to help you. I am willing to forgive him because he had alerted me how weak is my spiritual awareness. I should have pray to God for His mercy and strength when this brother aggrieved me but I didn't. So, it is my fault that I have allowed Satan to have a foothold and attack me.

I thank God for every wonderful person that He had placed in my life. I choose to see only their strength but not their faults against me or against any other matter. I believe that is the best way to build up a good relationship. For somewhere in the Proverbs said "A man's wisdom gives him patience, it is his glory to overlook an offense." May the Glory be to God when every time I choose to overlook people's offense with the Wisdom of God.

I read Philippians 4 and Psalms 3 after my dinner. Both of these passages encouraged me a lot in a way that, I can always be Rejoice because the Lord is with me. I need to not to anxious about anything but pray upon everything to God because I am His child. My worries and problems wouldn't be a stepping stone that stop me from growing because the Lord is my shield. He will protect me over my problems and destroy my enemies that stand against me. I have prayed to the Lord that I want Him to clean my mind. Empty my mind and start to fill in things that true, noble, lovely, right, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. I want to think about that always and put in practice whatever I have received from the Lord.

Last night God already speaks to me that wants me to be with Him tightly for 40 days. He wants me to do a 40 days prayer. I answered with an unwilling heart and I have yet to start. However, I will start today. I already pray to God and I even talk to Him about the decision that I have made before I tell my Pastor, my mum or my friends! When I am in sorrow, I know only God who is able to help so it is wisely to turn to God, FIRST.

Thank you for today, my Lord. You let me experienced what is contented in any circumstances. Please help me continue to experience that ;)

坦白

我不知道我说的那番话,是对的还是错的.

但是我也不能改变什么.

我这只牛终于睡醒了,我之前明白了,现在只不过是更确定了.

他,不喜欢我,我懂了.

看来这假期我不会再发白日梦了（想放笑脸但是我真的笑不出来）...

谢谢他的坦白,我不会再纠缠了.


你的不好意思只会让我觉得我好笨.

他已经离开了,一切将回到好似开学的时候,我专著的事,我的学业,我的梦想.

我笨,是因为我被他彻底的破坏得我的心情. （我的心理质数差了些...）

我太容易喜欢我遇见的人了,但是这一次我碰钉子了.

我还是好好读书,好好装备自己为神奉献生命好了.

我知道我现在很不想见任何人,但是那只会让魔鬼有机可乘来攻击我.

走了,要去参加小组,虽然我很不愿意.


谢谢你的坦白, 至少现在我的快乐不会再建立在你的怨气中.
愿上帝祝福你.

秘密知己

天使长

我累了，

想要和你谈谈，

心里相信你已经经历过了我正在经历的事。

最痛的时候

昨晚胃痛找上了我。从星期四晚上呕吐之后，紧接着来的是腹部的疼痛，慢慢地疼痛的感觉占据了胃的部分。昨晚就是最严重的一次，我也希望它是最后一次，因为实在太痛了！

人在痛苦的时候，往往会想办法疏解疼痛的感觉。基本上，家里是不会有胃药的。一是因为我和我妈都很健康，没有胃病。二是，胃药的存在会引起恐慌。我爸是因为肠胃癌而过世的所以胃药的存在会让我们害怕。昨晚，疼痛加恐惧让我更亲近神。以前经历过的事让我了解，除了上帝以外，没有人能够真正的帮助我胜过我的问题。

我祷告了，上帝并没有立刻医治我， 但是他让我好的睡眠。凌晨一点左右，我饿醒了因为晚餐时还是胃痛所以吃不多。我以为吃下一些东西会让我好一些，疼痛的感觉却加剧了！！回到房间，我还是想神祷告求他保守医治我。如果好像我爸一样，不幸的事情发生在我身上，我最后的愿望是希望我妈能够认识神，并接受耶稣为他的救主。之后就发简讯给我的组长和牧师，请他们在祷告中纪念我。接下来东翻西翻发现趴趴熊的姿势能够减轻胃部的疼痛，就一直趴着睡到天亮。

在最痛的时候，我能够第一个想到上帝，让我觉得我的生命改变了。我越来越依靠上帝了。我第二想到的是一个样子，性格和我初恋几乎一样的一个人，和他一起让我惊喜不断，学会从不同的角度看事物，我也深深了解为什么他胃痛的时候他的心情是那么的差，因为胃痛来袭时，真的很痛，痛得你不懂要如何处置它，站也不是，坐也不是，躺着也不是，真的会严重的影响一个人的心情。我不懂我为什么会突然想起这个人，或许是因为昨晚和他一起，第一次主动聊起了自己的家事吧！要不然就是因为他载我回家时发生的趣事吧！哈哈哈....

希望最痛的时刻不要再来了：（

希望不是病了

今天一整天只吃了海鲜面（早餐），蘑菇意粉+Muffin （午餐），晚餐只吃了几条香蕉。刚才却吐的好像要把胃液也要吐出来一样，现在嘴巴很酸，肚子又很不舒服。到底怎么了？我希望我不是病了，只是食物不干净，明天就会好了。如果生病了，星期六就不能上船了 :( 在这里，我要奉主耶稣的名宣告，我明天一定会痊愈并能够继续在我的事工上服事他！

原本还有很多事要说但是，实在很不舒服，就简短的说，我放下的事情将为我献上给耶和华的祭，从今以后，耶和华为我生命的王，我生命的一切安排都已经交托给他。我喜欢谁，已经不再重要了因为我要学会看重上帝在我生命中看重的事情。

好了，晚安！ 希望明天会好起来，也希望今晚能睡 :)

想哭

第一次我明白了，却想假装不懂。

你曾经问我，我喜欢的人是谁，我不答你并不是因为我要装神秘，而是我自己也不确定，考试又在进行中。考试的最后一天，我和他在一个星期过后第一次一起回家。我想告诉他很多的事情但是你好像不是很想说话。我第一次有了“你不知道的事”那首歌的感觉，那种遗憾，无奈，悲哀的感觉。

面子书上的一句话，好像把我唯一的期望都毁了。他把我删了。开始的时候，我以为自己可以好像当初认识他一样，爱理不理的。过去的一天，我不想呆在家，我宁愿到教会帮忙也不愿意承认自己真的在意他。虽然在教会的一天，很开心，帮牧师处理文件，跟忠伟学学跳舞，斗斗嘴但是回到家还是想起了他。

我错了吗？为什么喜欢一个人会那么受罪？ 难道错过了，心声就会变遗憾了吗？时光可以倒流吗？我想告诉他，我喜欢他但是我不奢求我们会有进一步的发展因为我还不够自爱。如果我自爱，我不会再夜晚时分还在想那件事，还没睡。

给他写了一篇信息，希望他会原谅我。得到的却是他轻飘的“Consider 1st"，那一刻，我真的很想哭，很难过不是因为他，而是我看错人了吗？为什么他变得不一样了？我不会埋怨上帝因为我知道我彻底的错了。就算他和列出的择偶条件，又多么的吻合，那算什么？我把自己弄得太狼狈了，接下来我应该怎么做呢？

这一刻，我突然有想立刻离开的感觉。