短短一篇诉我心

从“喜欢，不喜欢，喜欢，不喜欢......”到“应该，不应该，应该，不应该......”到“放手，不放手，放手，不放手......”只不过是4天的时间。我已经确定了，“我喜欢他”，“我不知道应该还不应该告诉他”，“我愿意放手，先向神祷告”。

我也看不出他到底是不是喜欢我，因为他好像对每个人都是那样，嘻嘻哈哈的 (._.) 虽然他偶尔会让我察觉他和我向神列出的择偶条件有出入，但是我还是不是很了解他。我想，先多了解他，才真正告诉他吧？对不对？

他在我要做决定出去宣教的时候，扶持了我很多，给了我很多帮助我短浅的目光去看见我未能能看见的事物，但是当我真的可以上船服事的时候，他又好像有点不开心。我虽然认识他才一段时间，但是我蛮喜欢他的为人。然后...不懂了..世界上没有两全其美的事。我并不能同时拥有恋爱和服事，唯有祷告向神诉苦吧！

暂时来说，我还蛮享受我们相处的方式 :)

My past

It strikes me so hard when I pray about the verse I am going to study today, James 2. That reminds me a friend, a friend that I have since Primary 6 until now. The sad part is we don't know talk anymore. She is joining my small group and as a elder member, I have accepted her but I have scary feeling toward her. Not that because she said something hurt me before, but because I don't know how to communicate with us as she were isolating herself from me since hmmm...2-3 years ago?

I know my past is a past tense for me now. I have made brand new in the Lord :) Maybe, I should build up my relationship with her? I know I shouldn't show favouritism to anyone but sometimes, people, really hard to tahan with their rudeness and ruthless. Especially the younger one, looking at them, is actually looking back to the me which was 5 years ago. I pray to God that I really urge to see life change in them. God can change a junk like me, God can change them too.

I shall pray and talk to this girl, right? But not in a way to please people, but God.

I also need to pray for revival in Youth. I saw our youth has become more commercial rather than Godly. The first thing people saw the concert invitation card is ask, DO I NEED TO PAY FOR ENTRANCE FEE? It is because the invitation card look so commercial and I took a long time explain to them it is an EVANGELICAL CONCERT and YOU DON'T NEED TO PAY FOR ENTRANCE FEE BECAUSE IT IS FREE!!

May God open the spiritual eyes of my youth leaders that they may see the Ministry from God's angle.

绝不言弃

当我知道我能够上哈娜那天开始，就一直觉得很累，很忙，很乱。我清楚现在只有上帝真正的与我同在，真正的能够帮助我度过这个奇奇怪怪的一段时间。曾经为着不需要担心的事，来挣扎，来让自己不能平静下来。感谢神今天让我看见现在真的没有必要把自己弄得乱七八糟，要来的，他会来，一切都已经安排好了。

突然觉得生命平静下来，少了担心的事却又开始担忧平静的后面是否隐藏了什么样的暴风雨。虽然现在能够得到牧师的批准上哈娜服事两天已经是一个好的开始，但是我并不会满意于现阶段。上帝给我的梦想和异象比这还大！我还要更多，更大的祝福和谦卑的心去成就属神的大事！我知道我会比现在更累，更想哭但是我绝对不会放弃，因为这是上帝用他独生子赎回来的生命！如此珍贵的生命却不愿让神使用，一切都是虚无的。

我知道我现在所作的决定，我必须把生命献上，那时一个代价。每个人每做一件背后都有一个代价，而出去宣教的代价就是把生命献上给神，生命不想再属于自己的了。每做一件事，都必须得到上帝的批准。你问我，“值得吗？”“我只能说，把生命献上给神是我现在唯一能够看见我有未来的选择，是有应许和平安的未来。”

从我做了那个决定开始，有很多的事情在我的心理和思想里发生。我希望得到人们的认同，我希望我能够舒舒服服的完成上帝的使命，我希望我能够赚很多的钱来满足我和家人的需要，我希望能够拥有一切高科技的东西，我害怕我的生命没有意义...... 关于这一些，我都没有去寻求人的意见因为我相信我的上帝比任何人都大，有智慧，有能力改变生命！现在我已摆脱了这些困扰因为我要活得比任何人都不同，我要成为有勇气为神成为特别的仆人。我学会了我不能同时取悦上帝和身边的人，而我已经选择了取悦上帝，就算世界会与我为敌。

无论以后的路有多难走，我知道上帝与我同行，我不必惧怕因为投靠他的人必的庇护，所以我也绝对不会放弃，即使我将会失去的是我的生命。

好啦~要念书了：）

为什么，你？

为什么我能够顺利上哈娜服事，你却好像不快乐呢？
为什么我觉得，我得不了你的支持？
之前你不是一直都很支持我吗？
你不是一直都给予我很有鼓励性的意见吗？
为什么现在你是乎很不开心？

为什么我只能够在这里猜疑，
而不能告诉你我也有同样的想法呢？
反之，为什么你不能告诉我你对我的想法呢？
我猜你一定有。

我在乎你，也感谢神你在我最需要支持时出现了，
但是我更在乎上帝和他的旨意。
或许现在你不会明白为什么，但是我希望将来你会明白。
如果将来我们有发展的机会，
我期望我对上帝的事工的热诚会得到你的谅解。

明天考试了。一起加油，好吗？

Praise the LORD!

I met my pastor today and we have a talk about port volunteer. After some talking and deep thought about what she said, I will have to do an agreement with God tonight and a promise to my mum that I will phone her everyday when I am on the ship. Besides that, I need to pray more and even harder than before! My pastor endorsed my port volunteer form!! You know, God has victory over Satan who deceived me that 2 choose 1 will happen :D

I really blessed by the Lord! Within 43days, GOD CHANGED ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT :D You can experience God too, even greater than the changes in me :D

I want to praise the Lord for His faithfulness and all those beautiful people (my mum, pastor Siew Mooi, Eyen, Hooi Wen, Winda, Rolly, Dave, David, Mr. and Mrs. Barnabas, Mariana, May, Mia, Esther, Ana, Refee and those who I am yet to know :]) that He had sent to me in His timing.

Lord, You’re awesome and powerful! You make things impossible to be possible with You. Lord, protect my heart against anything that will draw me away. Cut off the communication of the Evil one and stop him from destroying and deceiving me. Lord, I know I belong to you and because of Your son, I am no longer under the authority of the Evil one and sins!! Amen! :)

为什么？

我不相信星座，只相信上帝。

人与人之间的缘分和相处，是没有绝对的条规去参考。

可是，为什么今天我会去看星座？

一个神秘，一个开放… 那有代表了什么呢？

他简单含蓄的一句话，背后有着什么深意，

我猜我不会懂，或许是因为我没有勇气去知道。

纯属天气太热，家里停电的关系的胡思乱想 :P

无言

难道这是新的试验吗？用马来文祷告对我来说是一间很困难的事情，但是我被选中担任每个星期的祷告负责人。基本上是我去找人做祷告，但是如果找不到呢，就是我上台去祷告。这很恐怖哦！如果是英文，华语，广东话，我也没那么怕，现在是国语诶！看来我要更亲近上帝，求他带领我，因为明天就开始由我负责了！我完全什么东西都不知道！看来现在是时候去实行我时常提醒自己的一句话：“上帝并创造我们的旨意并不是单单地看见自己的极限，而忧心起来。反之，他要我们在看见自己的极限时，仰望他，信任他的带领和从他那里得到力量冲破我们眼前的极限！”"God didn’t create us to see our limitations. Instead, He created us to overcome our limitations by His strength! ”

今天的标题是《无言》，并不是因为绝望，也不是因为无奈，而是上帝的祝福和安排让我觉得，他的信实是不能以任何的言语来表达。唯有静默的在他的里头，仰望他，感谢他胜于一切的事物。

上个星期日，是我十分累的一天。一来是假期时每天都很迟睡。二来是那时不愿意顺服上帝，一直在担心如果把生命献上，我的未来会是怎样的。早上参与了崇拜，硬撑着听牧师讲道。之后，和青少年疯了一会再继续上人猿中心玩。到了下午，我已经累倒了极限！坏脾气也在酝酿着，一直不断祷告，想快一点回家。那时除了祷告，心里也在想：“如果我有一个男朋友，在我疲累时，让我依靠；在我气馁时，给我鼓励；在我开心时，和我一起同乐；在患难时，依靠神一起胜过，一起成长…… 我真的很希望我可以快一些遇见他，我不想等了…”我经常因着还没有有谈恋爱的经验觉得很恼怒，时常在问：“为虾米？为虾米没有人要我？”云云之类的负面思想…

但是，刚才我有了新的想法。人总需要有个伴却不能让这个伴代替了上帝在我们生命中的位子。有个伴，固然好。疲惫时可以有个肩膀来靠，但是真正能够让我们从疲惫中重新出发的，是从上帝那里得到力量。我一直都有在为我的未来伴侣祷告。只求他天天更亲近神，更有爱心，喜乐于服事他人。我不知道他身在何方，不知道他的姓名，不知道他的一切但是我相信上帝已经为我准备了一个合乎他心意，能够一生和我同行在他真理的一个男人。

当我越来越亲近神，我和身边的人的关系也改善了。我和我班上的朋友原本是势如水火，现在虽然还不是很friend,但是也算得上关系改善了。至少大家坐下来时，有话题可以聊。在我班上，最近最能够和我聊就只有我班上的三个男生。我班上是名副其实的女多男少，8女3男。每当晚上在数算上帝一天的祝福时，最开心的事关系改善了，二来是在班上能够有个人和我聊关于一些话题是我不会向教会以外的人说的。就很感谢上帝但同时也要小心保护自己的心。毕竟我是一个女生，有时会想很多男生没在想的事。无论多么能聊，我都告诉自己还不是去思考进一步发展的时候，上帝还有更大的事情要我去成就，去影响生命，去把属于神的子民都带回到他的宝座前。

同时，我也不想去侵犯一个不属于我的男人，因为我不想真正属于他的人难过。只要把自己带入一个情况设想，原本只属于你的一些东西，在你到手前却被很多人摸过，捏过，甚至弄脏了！你会难过吗？我遇见一个长得很帅的男生，他对我说：“我妈很鼓励我去多谈恋爱….谈恋爱嘛，喜欢就上咯…不喜欢，就走人咯...”一个人无数次的去不同的女生谈恋爱就等于了他一直在侵犯属于别人的女人，而他的爱一点也不矜贵，因为在你之前，他已经和无数个女生分享过了应该只属于你的爱。我猜想，没有人会想要属于自己的爱在自己到手前，已经被无数人分享过了吧？我个人，是很不喜欢，所以就算我现在真的很想有个伴，我还是选择等，因为我要我第一次的恋爱，也是我最后一次的恋爱，把我最好的第一次都留给那个只应该属于他的那个人。在等待的这一段时间，我要好好的享受并领受他的大爱，因为唯有神的爱是永恒的爱，不计较错误的爱，我要以这爱来爱我身边的每一个人。唯有爱，才能使一个人义无反顾地去奉献生命。

[看吧！明明说过今天不说感情事，现在整篇都是！恼怒诶！看来写中文真的能够让我抒发我用英文写时无法说出的事情 :)]

God’s faithfulness

I want to talk about God’s faithfulness today. Recently, I encountered with a lot of trials because of a decision I have made 10 days ago. I have made a decision that I want to do something GREAT for the Lord. I want to go for MISSION, go to the end of the world to tell the world about His GREAT LOVE, how PRECIOUS we’re in His sight and how SPECIAL the Lord had made our identities in Him.

I was worried about my family and I felt so hard to leave my family. I kept focus on my role in my family and ignored God’s role in my family. As I continued to pray and seek for people’ advices, I realized when I focus more to God, my worries gone. I am not running away from the fact that my family needed but I trust the Lord will take care of my mum and by His will, He will send someone to take care of her when I am away for mission. If you ask me “How come you can just believe and move on?”, I will tell you “Because I have seen the love of God to me and how serious He deal with me. He deal with me by sending Jesus to die on the cross for me. My life is purchased by God and when I willing to give my life to Him, He will be responsible to me.”

Flash back to 10.09.2010. That was the day I did my prayer and once again come back to God. 40 days passed. God have done a great thing in me! He changed me from the inside out. The speedy transformation is scary and full with power. I once was asking the Lord, “How can this be? Within few weeks, You have make me a brand new people, give me new heart. Not only I notice my changes, as well as people. Lord, How can this be?” When I thought of it deeper, I realized God planned everything in sequence. First, He affirmed me again and again about His great love in Christ for me. I really meant, AGAIN and AGAIN. EVERYDAY! Slowly, God asked me back to serving His people in His ministries. I was struggling and I said to the Lord, “ I am a failure and people wouldn’t accept me anymore. I have no talent at all, what I can serve You? Give me a vision and guide me through really back to the church and start to serve in Your timing.” But the Lord done marvellous things. He opened my eyes and help me to see more of people’s need rather than my ability. I am back to the ministries that I used to be in, Sound System and LCD. Sooner, the Lord guide me to another ministry, playing keyboard in worship department. I was real amazed by how God led just because of my prayer. In this, I have learned that “The Lord didn’t create us to see our limitations and being sad about it. Instead, He created us to overcome our limitations by relay on Him and come close to Him everyday.”

I used to pray to the Lord said “Although I have nothing to give but my life, I still want to do something great for you.” At 10.10.2010, I visited Hannah. God touched my heart and I am alerted about that and started to pray for vision. Since that day, it is another new chapter in my life. I experienced loneliness that I never had before. I experienced the burning of worries and sorrows. Feeling like the end of the world. I seek for comfort from the Lord. I couldn’t remember how many nights I fall asleep in my prayer with tears. Really hard time for me but the Lord walks with me. This circumstances that I face helps me rely more on God’s guidance and strength.

God is faithful and He never fails me. I believe the rest of my life under His wings, I will be safe :D

Kickstart!

I am going to start a bible study tonight, by my own, with the book of James. Well, I never know I will come to such practice and I have no faith in myself that I am no longer a baby in God. It is time for to have some solid spiritual food.

I searched on net about this book, James. What I will be discover in this book is:

1. How to live a life of faith
2. How to live in God’s blessing
3. How to be a doer of the Word
4. How to practice true religion
5. How to become God’s friend
6. How to change your words and change your life
7. How to receive the wisdom of God
8. How to overcome the flesh, the world, and the Devil
9. How to be a diligent seeker
10. How to live in the will of God
11. How to be a faithful follower of Christ

I have start to expect what God is going to do with my life. I don’t know how dramatically my life will change but I believe God is in charge of my life.

Reminder

Trust in Lord.

Believe and rely on the existence of Holy Spirit in my life as my supervisor and counsellor.

Not to depend on my own strength and knowledge but God’s ultimate and super natural love and strength from above.

God will never deal with what you like or dislike but deal with what is necessary and benefit to you. It caused painfulness sometimes but it is a beautiful pain because this replaces you in God’s perfect will and this worth the pain that you have to endure. – RL.

Sometimes the burden should pass the test of time. This is like a process that you getting the diamond out of the stones, moulding a clay pot. In the testing of time, I will stand and grow in God’s love and word. I believe one day when God shows me His Green Light in His timing, I will go out and shine for God.

God has unlimited love and forgiveness and always readied to change me.

I have a significant identity in God. I am not normal in Him. He made me to be special and dare for Him. I am going to be someone Great for God, to influence and to bring the Good News where people’ hearts are weary and crying for a sense of comfort and belonging.

*** GET A NEW MALAY-ENGLISH/CHINSE-ENGLISH BIBLE ***

Experiencing God

I experienced God’s presence with me last night. It was so true. It was so real. It was sweeter than I ever imagined and thought of how a  relationship with God would be.

A friend of mine that I knew recently, Rolly, told me there is no boredom in relationship with God. When he told me that, I was partially agree with him. For now, I totally agree with him. When I think out of the religious box, when I no longer taking my prayer and bible reading as a routine but something I do naturally and come close to God, God will come close to me and there is no boredom in this relationship.

Spent my afternoon with Winda and Rolly yesterday. Had a really meaningful and influential conversation that changed my life in one night. Not because of what they said but because of what God spoke to me afterward what they have said. Conclusion, God spoke to me through them. I got affirmed by our conversation and I start to realized, I might sin every now and then but I shouldn’t let that tie me up. It is because Jesus had died for me! He died for my past sin, my present sins and my future sins!! How wonder is this grace!! Since I have someone who loved me seriously that He willing to die for me on the cross, mocked, humiliated for a lady like me, how fearfully and greatly is God’s love to me!! And so, why should I be timid and afraid to do what is right in God’s sight?

I am not nobody. I am somebody and I meant so much for God, how much does I meant to God? Look at the cross. That’s how much I meant to Him. I seriously got impacted and affirmed by God who I really am. I am no longer under sins’ authority. I am free from that. I have given power and authority from God, through prayers, I can ask for anything. I have decided, I don’t want to be a normal church member, I don’t want to be just normal for God, just ordinary person that always receive impact from others. I want to be someone who is impacting and influential to others. I want be like that for God because He had made me specially in His sight. Everyone is special to God but it just matters do we realized our identities in God.

I have the calling to go for mission but I am timid and I am scare. I worried about my mum. Who is going to take care of her when she is sick? Who is going to shop for the groceries with her when I am not here? Who is going to help me taking medicine from the hospital? Who is going to pay the bills for the house? Who is……………….. I have too much worries and I gone into dilemma last night. I struggled really hard and wanted to escape from God. I don’t like this discomfort in my heart and my mind. I hate that.

I get on my bed around 10pm and decided to sleep at 11pm but when the time reached, I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t pray because I afraid of God. I afraid He is asking me to leave my comfort zone. Dragging until 1am. I decided to get up and pray and read the Bible. I believe God would comfort and would delay when I really talk to Him and said I am not ready yet. My life is still part of occupied by the Earthly matters. I got up, I don’t know what to pray. I read the notes that I wrote since the first day I did my devotion, 12th September. Every memorized verses bumped into my mind and reminded me God is a lovely Father but not a judge or a cruel King. As I read thru my notes, I am affirmed again how God loved me and how persistent is His love to me. I put down my fear and really pray to God, telling Him every details I felt in my heart for the whole day.

I read on Psalm 139 about how persistent and serious God will deal with me. I am comforted. When I continue to read, I found a chapter that is meant to be my prayer. Psalm 141. A psalm that wrote by David when he is chased by His enemies. I used that as my prayer and I clearly know that the enemy that I am facing now is myself, my earthly desires, my comfort zone. God didn’t answer me at once and I know He wants me to wait and continue to seek more on Him. I talked to Rolly and he told me the same thing, Keep persuade God.

Rolly and Winda have been a blessing to me. Winda is 19 and she already joined Hannah for 8 months. Her courage and faith in God are what I lack of. I should really find out and affirmed by what is my identity in God. Rolly is 34 and I can felt that he had a really close relationship with God as he is able to know about my past, my feeling even my family situation before I tell him anything about that. And the most amazing part is, 10/10/2010 is the 1st month anniversary I came back to God since Life Game. On that day, God allowed me to visit the Hannah Ship and prompted my heart to mission. The next day, God sent Rolly and Winda to reaffirmed me and that time I was started to lazy and being timid in God’s ministry. Can you see how wonderfully God had blessed me? He is not only given me His son, He given me every blessing that I never thought of. I want to be dare and bold for God. I know who I am in God and I won’t be timid anymore in ministries of God. My past and sins can’t hold me back anymore.

Lord, I want to get closer to You each day. I want to know more about You and walk behind following Your lead in every aspects of my life. May you be extol in the throne of my life to be the king and lord of my life. You’re the one who saved me and I give up my life to you as it will be your responsibility now. Everything happen to me, You will be the one to be responsible as I obey your will. As I am offering my life, Lord, may you help me to take off all the worries of my life. Worry about my absence at my family, worry about my future, worry about my mum’s salvation. Lord, all these worries I uphold them to you. May you help me to overcome them day by day. Prepare my heart and the way where you want me to go. Answer me when I call to you for you’re my God. As I come to you because of my own desires that pulled back off from your calling, don’t hide your face from me, strengthen me to overcome it. Lord, you have been good and blessed me by many people. Lord, I want to bless others with your blessings too. May you open my eyes and ears to see and heard things above and beyond what I am having now. Lord, show me your way. This is my prayer. Amen.

女性的话题

Topics for lady. :/ I don’t know why I will blog at this hour. I think I just got bored with the topic my classmates are discussing now. We discussed about putting make up, how to make your breasts look smaller (-,-|||), plastic surgery and etc. Yeah, I am a lady or preferable, a woman but I have no interest on those topics. I don’t love to shop for clothes or skirts, I don’t like to put on make up as I think it is not environmental friendly and it might contain lead that will kill me slowly. Well, I am hungry now :(

This post is way too random from my style. Hmmm..I know I should focus on my dichotomous key now and should add water about that but I seriously got so angry at myself as I don’t dare to voice up to him. Anyway, I am a coward after all.

Should lady be dare enough to confess their loves? Should lady focus on how their appearance are instead of how their inner beauties are? Who should be responsible to the showing of lady emphasis on their appearances but not their inner beauties? Could it be men? Could it be ourselves? If it is ourselves, why am I not doing the same thing as the others do? :/

I am seeking for problems for my own :(

心态的改变

或许有很多事情，我是应该为自己保守秘密，为自己的私隐锁上密码锁。但是今晚，我真的很难控制自己的感觉。我觉得我需要有一个人来谈谈。我察觉自己对某些事情的心态已经改变。以前，我对某些事情的存在感到兴奋但是仍然可以压抑着。现在，我对某些事情的存在十分的在乎，我很想让他知道我的想法。这种心态的改变让我觉得很陌生。我不明白为什么自己会有这样的感觉，这种不能安分守己，贪得无厌的感觉。我不想因为我影响到他。我现在应该做些什么?我知道我喜欢一个人，并没有错，因为在生命的路上你会遇见很多可爱和美丽的人。但是，在一个不适合的时间喜欢了一个人并且我越来越不能再这份感觉当中安分守己时，我应该做些什么？我已经向上帝说出我心里的话，我不知道他何时会回应我但是我相信他会带领并教导我。

心态的改变，让我觉得很陌生，让我不能入睡。我苦问上帝我能做些什么，发现是时候睡觉了 :P

**我再次在这件事上看见我的弱点。我要求上帝帮助我overcome我的弱点。虽知弱点并不能一朝一夕就能完全overcome，只要我愿意依靠上帝，他必看顾我并帮助我因为他是信实的上帝：）

ATM卡

“ATM卡”有着褒贬的意思。褒意就是你的父母亲给予你一张ATM/DEBIT卡，给你任用。贬义就是父母亲对你说：你用太多了，我要剪（卡，广东话）了你的ATM/DEBIT卡！这样，到底现在社会当中，褒义的ATM卡事件和贬义的ATM卡事件，那个发生的机率比较高呢？答案在你们的心中。我相信，现在的社会出现越来越多的“卡奴”，年纪轻轻已经拥有数张的CREDIT卡，先用未来钱的情况越来越严重。有这样事情的发生，全因一个字—“贪”。现在的年轻人钟情于一些不停改变的东西，例如：追明星，发明星梦，追赶潮流，追求更新款的相机，手机，电脑等等。我不否认我自己都是年轻人，都有追求着一些的东西但是我可以很肯定，我追求的东西并不虚幻多变的，而是永恒的。我追求的是我和耶稣基督的关系，因为他是唯一一个会和我一起度过我生命中的大风浪，和我一起欢欣我的成功，犯错时，提点我帮助我改过的神。他甚至说过，天堂地狱将要消失，唯有我的话语使永远长存的。我追求的是我家庭的和谐，因为无论发生什么事，到最后支持我的人，永远都会是我的家人而不是我的偶像。

很多人看到这里会觉得我是一个很老土的人。其实，我从不觉得我自己是一个很“IN” 的人因为我只不过是想做一个平凡人，一个给神在各方面去使用来祝福世界的人。我不想永远受人影响，永远追在不会给我任何安慰，任何支持的事物。

首先，我在感谢上帝他把我塑造为一个值得我妈来信任我的女儿。身为家中的独女加上成绩也不错，在其他人的思想当中，我妈一定很疼我，我在家一定是要风得风，要雨得雨的刁蛮女儿。其实事实并不是如此。我妈从来不会去干涉我的读书的事情，也不会在我考到好成绩时给予一些很好的奖励等等。他也不会去干涉我交了一些什么的朋友，只是偶尔问问谁会在我出去和几点回家啊？他给我绝对的自由如何分配我自己的时间，做些什么事，出去玩多久，几点睡，功课做了没，头晕发烧自己处理等。在别人眼中会觉得“Jacklyn，你妈很信任你！我都希望我妈会如此相信我。”但是我从来不觉得我妈信任我。他从不干涉我的事是因为他要学会如何独立的生活，如何去为自己所做的每一件的后果付上应有的代价和她要我明白，自己可以应付的事，不要假手于人。例如功课，是我应该做的事因为我是一个学生，头晕发烧，自己找药或者看医生。总有一天，我妈是会离开我归到尘土当中。

我觉得我妈不信任我是因为他会一直控制我用钱的限度。以前当我爸过世和我妈随后中风无法工作之后，家里的经济一下就垮了。当时我真的很怕因为我妈告诉我我可能不能把我的小学念完。那时我才7-8岁，不念书，我能做些什么？不过感谢神，经济低迷的情况只在我家待了3年，我十一岁时，我妈就开始了他的投资生意，收入也算稳定。我相信当时他会有这个生意是因为我信主了。上帝因着我而祝福了我的家庭。现在，上帝更大大的祝福了我妈因为他已经退休了但是每个月还是有足够我们用的收入。可能是因着曾经经历过经济低迷，我会有一个心理的反应就是，我看见我要的东西，我就很想买，很想拥有它。而我通常看上的不是衣服也不是裤子更不是裙子，我看上的往往是一本书，一部戏，一张CD或者是一些高科技的东西：电脑，PSP等。最要命的是，我常常都希望我的钱包永远都是满的。我不会因为钱和我妈吵但是我会埋怨。

今年年头，我妈和我开了一个联名的户口但是基于我还未十八岁不能签名，我还不能在那个户口做任何的更动。今天，我收到了我妈送我迟来的礼物。他让我在那个联名户口上加上了我的独特的签名，让我能够独立的在户口上做些更动。我曾经一度担心我妈会把钱给我姨姨（难听一些，是被我姨姨抢了，因为到现在为止我还是不明白为什么16年没有接触的她会回来找我们。）更令我觉得我妈已经很信任我的是，他为我们的户口申请了ATM/DEBIT卡，持卡人是我！当我妈问我要不要的时候，我突然发现，我十分要钱的心理已经不在了，我觉得很害怕，我不知道我自制的能力到那个程度。我发现，每个星期RM50其实是够我用而且只要我愿意节省，我每个星期可以有RM30剩下来买我的日常用品。我感谢我妈对我的信任，同时，我还是觉得我妈对我用钱的限度苛刻是对我学会自制最好的训练。

ATM卡的褒义已经发生了在我身上，希望它的贬义不会发生在我身上啦 :P

今天是我觉得最开心的一天。虽然周身骨痛，但是今天发生的一切让我觉得，我真的长大了！我得到了我妈的信任重于任何的钱财所能够满足我的！所以，接下来我追求的就只剩下我家庭的和谐+我和耶稣基督的关系 ：）

18岁的我终于了解了

同一个人谈恋爱并不代表你真的中意他。或者，只是因为你看见其他人有情人，你都想有一个，又或者，你看见他有女朋友，你不抵得所以去抢人家的男朋友。谈恋爱的心态很重要。你要真的去中意一个人，才去和他谈恋爱，同时也要尊重他。有时男人的心态很奇怪。明明知道这个女仔好有问题，换男朋友快过她换衫但是偏偏要放弃自己已经拥有并对自己十分好的一棵树，粘上这个问题女仔。

大家清醒些，好吗？有好也但是你偏偏看不见。世界说:“男人不坏，女人不爱；女人不*，男人不爱。”点解啊啊啊啊啊？？？ 如果男人女人不坏又不*，就代表将来的日子没有快乐和“性”福吗？（请原谅我过分的直接。）或者不要讲的太长远，不坏又不*，带出街会被人笑乜？他坏定她*，都只不过是当你们单独相处时，先会展露出来的又无其他人在场，点解不选对自己好的那棵树呢？？？！！！点解大家还是要找坏男人同*女人？我真是想不通。

以上两端并不代表本人亲身经历，只不过是看见社会的有感而发的言论。请不要误会 :P

有时听下朋友讲其他人的事，真是会发现，世界变了！现在中学生时期的学生都已经学会如何去抢人家的男朋友。我个人不认识他们所讨论的人，但是我认同现在有很多类似的事情发生。抢人男/女朋友的事情。而且还是发生在中四学生的身上。我前两三天在FB看见我在女中的学妹放话说她会和她抢男朋友的人拼命！这样的话既然出自一个只有16岁的女生。有些恐怖。我自己16岁时都曾经一度跌落爱情的深洞，喜欢了一个基本上是因为寂寞而看上他的人，当时他有女朋友也是一个因女朋友对他不忠，他也要对女朋友不忠的人。我们并没有正式谈恋爱只是有很多的暧昧。那件事后，我和自己说，我宁愿找一个适合我但是不风流，不口花花，不是很会哄我的男人。不过，过去的都已经过去了，真的很不应该时常想起他。

到现在为止，我从没正式谈过恋爱。拖手祈祷就拖得多，暗恋也是无数次 :P 但是无一成事。我猜那是因为当时我并不知道我需要些什么，也不知道自己有些什么可爱之处。现在，我仍然在找寻着我需要一个怎样的人和我自己有什么是值得我自己去欣赏我自己。同时，我个人也觉得，喜欢一个人不是错，也不是罪，甚至我会因为我喜欢一个人而当他是我正面学习的对象。但是如果因为我喜欢某某人而做出了一些令我们两个都蒙羞的事情，那就是罪。另外一方面，我也令我喜欢的人蒙羞和犯罪了，上帝必因他的罪来审判我。过去，我曾经做过很多令我喜欢的人觉得很难受的事但是我愿意放下过去，无论在过去我曾经有多开心。如果是因犯罪而得到的快乐，我宁愿不要，我选择与神同行。现在，我喜欢的人在远方...分开我们的是一片海洋。不算的是牵肠挂肚，只是偶尔会很很很很很很想念他而我可以做的事，唯有时时为他祷告，求神保守他的平安和继续有力量去更加追求神。所以我猜我应该没有令他犯罪吧？

18岁的我，终于了解圣经说世界将会败坏，是真的！耶稣基督会再来，是真的！传福音的工作会更难，也是真的！！所以，我也会更努力去传福音给我身边的每一个人，为耶稣基督的再来做好准备。同时我重新被提醒，男人，找适合自己的，疼自己的，就好了。管他是谁谁谁的男朋友，管他的女朋友多么的不配，管他我有妒忌他人的幸福（我觉得如果因为妒忌他人幸福并想要夺取他，是一种心理健康的问题！）。抢来的东西永远都不会是真正属于你的。上帝为他的子民每人都准备了一个心爱的人，为什么我们要去抢人家的呢？等待遇见上帝为我们准备的那一位，是需要很长的时间。你愿意等待并在等待的期间在上帝当中领悟他对你永远不变的爱，在将来用他的爱来爱你的爱人，一起走完人生路？还是你不愿意等待并以自己的情欲行事伸手破坏他人的幸福，最终走上身心破碎和灭亡之路？这个决定很重要，它都已经在你手中。

我坚信，上帝准备一切都是好的。我们不需要去妒忌他人因为我们有上帝为我们的供应者，他说供应的是超乎你我所求和所想的。不相信我？来认识上帝并在他话语当中成长，你就是知道我所说的是假的，因为上帝的好是无法以言语来描述的，你需要亲身经历他的同在和信实 ：）

Worship Song: Breathe – Michael W Smith

Loved Michael W Smith’s clear vocal. Furthermore, I love the song that He is presenting to God – Breathe. May my every breathe would be a blessing and glorifying God. May my thirst to know God more just as how I need air to breathe. May my life will be pleasing and delightful to God’s sight and a good testimonial to the world! Amen!

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This song really touched me when I was having mood swing just now. I was talking to a friend but I really feel bad to get close to him. I don’t know why. I guess, it is because of regret or scare of something else. I admit I used be really dependant on this friend but now, I am trying to treat everyone the same. I knew clearly that it is not time for me to think about relationship which is more than friendship. He was having mood swing suddenly, just now. I guess it was caused by my word. I talked too much. Got too excited over everything :s

I really need more of God’s word to cultivating my mind so that it will be renewed and transforming each day and teach me how build up relationship with others. Just like this song, God is with me all the time, He watched over me. He knew every thoughts and feeling of mine. And for sure, I am lost and nothing without Him. I really desperate for the Lord now. I desperate for the Lord because I feel like there is something wrong with my spiritual life. Prayer every morning seem to be a habit to me. Prayer seem to be a prayer for me wherever I go, whenever it is, whatever I do. My heart just keep praying and having linkage with the Lord through praying. Is there something wrong? I thought building relationship with God takes a long time and discipline. Is it too fast for me to develop into such way? Did I hold on any wrong teachings?

I am confused. Lord, teach me your way and may You works within people’s heart so that they will come close to you.

Dark Chocolate Rush

Today is truly a weird day! I got dizziness for the second time of my life!! It was so horrible!! Was having nap and awaken around 5pm. Felt really dizzy when I sit up from my bed. The first time came to my mind is, low sugar level in blood, skipped lunch. Last meal was 5.45am! 12 hours no meal intake and I am having my bestie here. Well, it is my fault for not taking regular meals in this important time.

The first thing I did, ate my cereal. I thought it would help. In fact, it didn’t. My hand still shaky and my vision is blur. Second thing, I searched for my chocolate storage in my fridge and surprisingly found out, I bought DARK CHOCOLATE but not MILK CHOCOLATE. I really got (-,-|||) Dark chocolate isn’t sweet at all, it still tastes sweet but not as sweet as milk chocolate and it doesn’t work as glucose booster for low sugar level. I took like 9 square pieces and 500ml water and rush for my bath.

Pray to God consistently as I really afraid I would faint and that would be a big problem to me and my mum. Thank God I am okay now. I am still able to go out to buy dinner for me and my mum and update my blog now. I have learnt many lessons from this incident.

1. Pray to God first when anything happen but not after I did something with my own strength
2. Have regular meals – especially in this important period
3. Always check my chocolate storage both dark and milk chocolates.
4. Be aware of my glucose level.
5. Fat people will get weary as well, got dizziness and puke like those skinny person xD

Anyway, I gave thanks to the Lord for I am safe and sound now. Would continue to pray as tomorrow I have whole day field work awaiting for me!

One Step One Footprint

It has been 2 weeks I didn’t update myself on my blog. Looking back to these 14 days, I realized I have blessing to count on each day. God is faithful and He never fails me when I am weak and weary. After trembled for countless time, I really afraid that I would trembled again after 2-3 weeks. It seems like I have overlook God’s strength and His faithfulness to me. I always believe practice make perfect and now I believe too, when I really willing to withdraw from my life driving centre and extol God to be the King of my life, it will become a habit too.

Every spiritually practice takes time and patience and humbleness to come close to God to be accomplish. When God is with me, what else do I afraid of? What else can separate me from Him? For it is written in Romans 8:38-39 “ For I convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor future, nor any power, neither depth nor height, nor any creation of this world able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” What a affirmative message from God! I do admit we are facing spiritual warfare everyday, even now, when I am writing on blog, Satan is still watching over me, seeking for the timing where I started to sinned against God.

I read back my previous post on 18th September. I saw how I struggled as God wants me to make right with people and every wrongs I have done. I thought it would be really hard, people would reject me, people would mock on me and bla bla bla. Things weren’t going that way and everything were gone smoothly with God’s guidance and blessings. I am building back my relationship with people around me. Not in a way that I have to please them but to keep them in my prayer and continue to spend time with them. I know I can’t please everyone but God. Sometimes, I even failed to please God (In my own thought, I think that way, sometimes.) I still sinned even I walk with God. I still get really emotional even I walk with God. I still say harsh words even I walk with God. However, I do see the frequency is going down and down. Now I understand what Amos meant by “Sin less by uphold everything to God.” When I am serious to God, God is serious with me too. When I seriously uphold my life to Him everyday, keep this cycle repeat and repeating, I saw changes in my life and different perspectives I have on things that I always see.

I still encounter failure today but I am not eating alive by regret. I failed today, I prayed to God, asked for forgiveness and wisdom and guidance to try again tomorrow. Many people would think Christian never fail or Christian never sin once they are with God. I used to think that way but I realized God’s standard is much too high for me to achieve. Only by the grace of God, I can be accepted by Him. I am saved by His Grace but not my good deeds. One thing I realized changed in my life is, I am getting “round” when I am communicate with others and I would put people first in everything I have. That’s a good thing to me and I am going to glorify God with this. Before this, I never talk to my friends about my faith in Christ, I never tell them event in my church, I never voice up to Christian when I see them sinning publicly. I was a coward, conclusion. Now, I will go and tell my friends about how God blessed me even I am a prodigy daughter, introducing them events in church and invite them to come, talk to those I saw they are hurting privately to comfort and affirm them (if they are Christian) and pray for them (if they are non Christian and would follow up with Gospel sharing). I really see changes in my life, a BIG change!

Doing things step by step is better to rush all in with my own timing but not God.

I have made a new friend too. We actually knew each other but I never really reveal to him who I am. Last night, we really talked about that and yeah, I confessed to him and now, he is another new friend in my msn :) He is nice guy though (I am not writing this because I know you’re reading but because that’s a truth :P) and really kind man. Should call him man because he is elder than for some years. Hope God really works in his life whereby he can really find something that he wanted to seek for – his life purpose.

The psalmist said in Psalm 89:2 “ I know that your love last for all time, that your faithfulness as permanent as the sky.” With this assurance, even though the sky changed to be grey or dark or your life is in a huge storm now but bear in mind, God’s faithfulness still remain :)