Learning process

There are mixed things I learned today, I mean for this moment.

I get to know how to approach people and get the information that I need. I don’t know whether my mum notice my changes or not, but I do noticed myself changed, a little bit.

There are encouraging and frustration today. What really encouraging me is the conversation with David this evening. I never expect he would call me up just because a text I sent to him regarding my mum’s health condition. I really appreciate his kindness and care upon a stranger like me. I just met him twice, face to face, but I never talk to him. The first time we talk is on skype, so as this time. What makes me feel encouraged is his advices and also his willingness to spend time and give me information regarding health issue to promote a healthier me and my mum. When I first get to know the things we have to change, I was almost scared off. Those things are too hard for me and my mum to change. We have been eating and drinking in that way, we are comfortable in that way. However, for the sake of being a healthy person, I discussed with my mum this health issue the next day after I talked to him.

Surprisingly, my mum listened to me without interruption. She agrees to make a change on her coffee drinking habits, the consumption of carbohydrates on breakfast and dinner. She is willing to change. I was grateful and glad to see she applies what I told her. I do the same thing with her. I have oats as my breakfast and lunch and brown rice for dinner but dinner usually more vege and less meat. We just had a wonderful dinner just now. Small portion of rice, a 2kg of vegetables and steamed fish. This is the first time I do the steamed fish, and also with little salt and vegetable oil and plenty of ginger. I learn that too much of vegetables might not be suitable for my mum but ginger does help to reduce the problem. Moreover, the dinner and the dish was FANTASTIC! The happiest dinner I ever had, because it is healthy.

At the same time, during the dinner, I tried to talk to my mum David’s suggestion on taking some products. She seem to be rejecting at first but when I tell her the price and do the math to show her the comparison between the PPAR that we are having now and the product. She accepted my suggestion. I am so surprised how things happen. I never have such wonderful conversation because I always think about me me me. This time, I lay the focus point on her, her health. Does she wants to live a life with medication everyday or no medication at all? She said she wants the second one. So, do something to improve your health! No worries, I will be with you in changing our eating habits. You won’t be alone because I am supported by my team and I will support you! She gave me some questions that I couldn’t solve, but thank to my coach for being available online and solved her questions in the minimum time. That’s the encouraging part.

A little bit frustration part is that I met people who interested in being financially free, has big dream but they are too scare to make a move to approach their dreams. I don’t know how others think but for me, when I reached 18, I request my mum to give me more freedom to choose things in my life. I baptized and I have show to the world and to my Lord Jesus, I finally approached my dream that seem to be never available for me. So this time, learning to be financially free, my mum was having objection. However when I explain to her again and again the purpose I am on this (still doing this now), she accepted and now she even asked when I am working at home but not going out. I see life change when you are dare to change. Instead of giving all kind of excuses, you’re the one who lose the opportunity to achieve your dream. I am just an introducer to introduce you the bridge to achieve your dream, if you don’t dare to step out of your comfort zone and you don’t want to help yourself, no one can help you. I know respect parents is important but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own stand. I understand my mum won’t stay with me forever, so I choose to learn the values earlier than I have to, I want to have my own stand but not contradict to what my mum have been teaching me all the time.

I know frustration is part of the learning process. I am welcoming all these experiences like, rejection, frustration, disappointment, lies, emotional and etc. I believe all these experience will help me to be a better and strong-minded person. I am willing to learn and change, now is just matter does people willing to teach and train me up or not.

Reflection

Am I wrong?

Am I expecting too much?

Am I pushing myself too much?

Am I demanding?

I learned to be serious about this but why do I feel ignorant when I am asking a lot of questions? I am not a person who give up easily. I will still find a way to learn even though people don’t willing to teach or they don’t have the patient to teach me.

I am a curious baby now. The only person I feel comfortable to ask is him. I don’t know why. Probably because I knew him in church. That give me a better trust on him. I have lots of questions about the project. From the basic thing to the complex stuff. I am willing to start a new plan to achieve my normal body weight. Even though i tried tried tried for so many years, yet things don’t work, but this time I choose to believe and accept what my partner said and suggested on.

The reaction he gave makes me feel uncomfortable. He is like the only person for this moment I can trust in NL, of course, I can trust my buddy too but we can’t discuss much about that in school. That leave me a lot of questions. I felt frustration. I felt disappointment. I am disappointed at myself, why I can’t handle a little thing? Even though my emotional. I am frustrated because I am not encouraged, not affirmed. What we’re all doing now, yeah, achieving our dreams but I don’t see the team work happens yet. It is still like what I saw in others, moving apart but not together. I don’t know, probably because I am demanding.

I am also a very sensitive person. Something happened last night makes me realized I have done a huge mistake. I don’t know how to correct this mistake, I tried to be unfriend to certain person to give them warning “ back off, back off!” However, is that going to work, anyway?

I have my first coach in my life when I am in this project. I am happy about this and I really hope I can build up a good relationship with my coach but he seems to be too busy or no time for me. I know his dream and his fighting spirit is so high, I seem like nothing beside him, I dream small and dream with limitations.

Coach, if you ever happen to read this, I want to tell you, I hope we can have some time sit down personally and spend time to communicate over our differences of values and personality. Can we do that soon?

Doubting :8

All in a sudden, I start to doubt my abilities again. I start to doubt, am I the only one who is doing what I am doing now? Memorizing scripts, preparing for Wednesday meeting, planning strategy to achieve my goals and listening to the same audio over and over just want to remember what is important inside. Am I the only one?! Can anyone answer me?

Even though I doubt what I am doing right now, but for Wednesday night, I have prepare myself physically, mentally and emotionally to accept glory as well as failure. I believe I can learn from failure.

Break needed. It is time for Ultimate edge, again.

Depending on yourself, is always better depending on someone else to motivate. At least, you’re the only one who is able to work on your own expectations.

Workaholic

 

Just completed my goals for today. Reflection, learning calculation, setting my own targets to reach in 2-weeks and 4-weeks time. I know I started this a bit slower than others. I mean, I know what my friend said is true, “you guys still having STPM here, talking about Chemistry; but I am talking about money and business!” I still remember how envy am I when I heard him sharing this in our lunch. When I heard him said that, I asked myself, “what if I can handle two things in one time?” I don’t do well in my academic because my learning process is terrible. My teachers always terrified me with all sort of threatening words, failing STPM means you have no future..bla bla bla.. it is just matter they haven’t open their eyes and minds to really see, successful in academic doesn’t guarantee you can have a good future. What if you don’t have a good finance education? That’s what the system lack off and this have been carry on and on and on….

Meet up with a friend together with my coach today. Even though nothing regarding is mention but I truly learn a lot. I like the example, their conversation is like a river and I am starting beside the river and trying to collect as much water as I can. Of course, the water I meant is their experiences. I am trying to feel what they have gone thru but I cant because I haven’t experience it. I am sure one thing, they don’t have the experience that I am having, so that’s the importance of sharing, isn’t it? :)

Cough were relieve this afternoon after a kiwi and a big bowl of herbs :/ Well, it works. However, I don’t think it works now. Cough start getting back and the temperature is getting low and lower in my room. Maybe I should sleep at the living room tonight.

I have been reading, listening, writing and memorizing things since this afternoon after my piano tutorial. I had a sudden headache as I coughed vigorously just now. It shocked me and I noticed my mind is tired and I need a rest. I stop all my RLWM and start my role playing training for 10 mins and I approached a friend of mine that sudden pop out in my mind. What I can say, it was a fruitful conversation after so long time of ignorant of each other status. Since we are became brother and sister during the Life Game Last September.

I think the Lord blessed my day with so much blessing today that I get to expose to people’s experience, get to know myself through tonyrobbins,com, realizing I have the determination to work toward my goals and lastly, I AM A WORKAHOLIC!

I know it sound weird to feel happy when you realized you’re a workaholic! That’s me anyway, a little bit egocentric. I knew that :P

Wednesday - Saturday

Within 4 days, I experienced God's grace and the sufferings when someone is really ill but you just don't know why you're ill.

I started to have mid fever at Wednesday night. I thought I am having that because I took a cold water bath (I seldom or never take cold water bath), so I took two tablets of Paracetamol and went to sleep. The next day, Thursday, I am still having fever and it increased its temperature, until my face was red in colour and can't concentrate in my study. To keep my attendance, I just kept quiet and withstand the heat until my recess time and inform my teacher that I am sick. She sent me to emergency department and I stayed there until almost 12pm. I did blood test and the nurses in HDOK is really not up to the standard, because they pierced me TWICE before they got my blood! I was quite mad with that. 

According to my blood test, I am fine. Nothing wrong with me. The fever most probably caused by my thyroid, it is hyperactive until it start to attack the body cell. That's what the doctor said, just suspected. I was prescribed with EES, paracetamol and chlorpheniramine maleate. After I took the medicine, my body start to swell. First was part my head, and then part of my face, my cheeks, my thyroid, behind my ears and my neck. My fever didn't subside even I have taken 6 tablets of Paracetamol within 15 hours. Soon, my hands and my chest start to swell to be red and giving burning sensation. Overnight, when I woke up the next morning, TADA~ That's a pig head looking at me from the mirror! Yeah, don't be surprised, that pig head is me. The swelling was really horrible and painful when I accidentally touched them. 

Friday, I went back to the emergency department again. Listed as critical again. Having high pulse but slightly low bp this time. After observed by the doctor, he suspected I am experiencing antibiotic allergic. For all I know is, I am allergic to Amoxicilin or Penicillin (the group of that medicine). I took EES for twice already but no allergic reaction. This time I don't know why the doctor is telling me I am allergic to EES because it is Penicillin -,- Com'on, EES is not Penicillin, it is Marcolide. So he took away my EES and prescribed me with Chlorpheniramin M again. That medicine make me sleepy and weary after I took it. I took it with interval of 5 hours yesterday and I start to have really bad illusions around 3pm. My illusions were really scary! I am sure I am awake that time. I walk out of my room, sit at the living room and seeing my house collapsed, things around me enlarged and shrink. The most horrible part is, my mum doesn't believe in me and start nagging again. Well, I will take that as her early stage of menopause and forgive her.

Today, Saturday. A day that I am slightly better than before. The swelling on me mostly has gone except my thyroid, part behind my ears and my neck. I have to sleep like a frog so that I can avoid from touch them. I hope I will recover soon. I learn to lean more on God when I am sick. I was really scared when my body swell and give burning sensation. Not because I feel that my end is near but because I have thing yet to accomplish. The only thing that I want to do that time is, I want to share Gospel with my mum. I am ready to face death but I really wish that my mum will get to know Christ and accepting Him as her personal Saviour.

I have been losing my appetite for 3 days. Everything seem to be tasteless or bitter in my mouth. I skipped my breakfast too this morning. I really want to have something, so I cooked some oat, had only 2-3 spoon then I start to have nausea. I gave the oat to my mum instead. I think I need something taste more heavier and extreme, like SWEET, SALTY, and SOUR. I hope I can eat normally soon and regardless the calories :D

Tuesday

Today is the second day after my argument with my mum. I thought she won't want to talk to me anymore, due to her anger. However, my guess was wrong and Gee is right - I am what my mum only left. She talks to me again and telling me her feeling when she goes out with her friends (specifically is her religion's leader). She has always been a pain at the ass when come to transportation. I wanna go for driving class but she refuses to pay for me. She insists that I should wait until I am affordable for the driving class and the car. Well, I think she wants me to be independent and spend according what I earn.

I've really interesting Biology class today, it about development of human. From how the sperm fertilized the ovum, how the zygote divided within 7 days to be morula and embryo and implanted into the endometrium (wall of uterus), and the process goes on with gastrulation and organogenesis, development of extraembryonic membranes. Ovum fertilized by sperm after 2 months is called fetus, after delivery is called baby! My teacher kept emphasized on this, but I just wanna say, I knew this fact when I was form 4 -,-

I had 3 periods of PA (2) and Chemistry respectively. I kept "fishing" during the PA (2). I think I was starving. I had only 2 eggs and 2 sausages for my breakfast. No more drinks. I have cut down my breakfast into 40% of my normal breakfast. Low sugar level caused fatigue and dizziness. So, I can't remember what I learned on PA (2), except the changing and comparing pola.

Chemistry was FUN! We do naming for Alkenes today. I found this chapter is so interesting. Different reaction creates different product and naming it is fun! I don't know how to explain how fun it is, you might need to try some exercise to experience what I had this morning :D

Have 2 small slices of cake and 500ml of water as my lunch. I know I am not doing the healthy thing, but my eating habit isn't healthy as well before this. Decreasing my food intake and sugar intake did help to decrease the risk of insulin resistance to happen in me.

I have been diagnosed with PCOS 2 years ago. I was frustrated and almost kill myself because of PCOS. I lost hope and see myself as an imperfect lady. I thought lady is made perfect if they bear kids. By God's grace, almost 3 years of medical follow up and medicine given are working well in me, I still have problem on losing weight. Besides that, I am hoping to get a female doctor for my coming appointment. I have question to ask her and probably I will request for a blood test. After being diagnosed with PCOS, I start to see how fragile is my life. PCOS might cause death when it is critical. It is a hormone imbalanced caused syndrome, we all know one hormone imbalance with triggers the other as well! Right? Seeing my mum taking a lot of pills for her cholesterol, hypertension, and insulin jap for her diabetes, I wanna make a change of my life.

PCOS can't be cure but it can be prevented for long term effects. The doctors said I have 80% chance to be infertility in future. What I wanna do now is, do my best to reduce my weight to 65kg before I reach 20 and cling on the Lord for His healing hands. Knowing I will have infertility is frustrated but I believe the Lord, I believe what He did to Sarah will be done to me too. Sarah is very old when she give birth to Jacob. Sarah can give birth even though her menstrual has stopped, what about me? I am younger than Sarah, but it is just the matter how big my faith to the Lord.

I am joining Gee for jogging everyday except Friday. Friday is a small group night, I expected I will have to cook and prepare meal for family, so I eliminate exercise from that day and also as a day off for my body to rest. We have jogging at Sentosa - trill hill, Sibuga complex and Tshun Yen Rainforest. TY Rainforest is a new place for me explore. I sweat a lot when I have a walk on that and experienced dizziness, because I went to walk there after I donated blood ._. Complex is the most easy place for me to jog. I will have to work harder, so I decide I will start running in the complex. No more walking, it is kindergarten job and doesn't burn too much calories.

I met a lady when I was jogging at Trill hill today. She went with her husband. So, Gee was talking with her husband, while I am talking to Lora, the wife. She is fair and sweet. She is from HK but she stayed here for more than 20 years. Main point is here, she is a Christian. We did some sharing about our lives, our family, our religion (Hahahah. We are all Christian!). I shared with her my passion to serve in full time pastoral but now the time is not here yet. She encouraged me and inspired me, leading me to see that, I should obey to the Lord - serving my mum before I go out to serve people.

I met 2 people on the way I go up and down the hill. Both of these people asking Gee, whether I am in nursing school. 2 person asking the same thing, saying the same thing "nursing" - I think this is no longer a coincident. Before this, I experienced God give light to me that I should go for nursing after my form 6 and I struggled and neglected it. After that, within a day, there are 3 person asking about my plan for future. I told them I have no idea but actually the thought that the Lord gave me have start to budding in me. Nursing is something can be consider. It suits my interest in medical field and taking care people as well. I take "Psychology" as my dream is because I want to help more people to look into what they really want and introduce them the creator of life, God. I know, I will have to give up my dream to be a psychologist. I believe too, the same time, the Lord has a loving plan in my life.

I wanna get some information from the nursing college near HDOK but I can't get anything, because they don't have a website >.< I am happy because Gee said she will try to get me the contact. See, if something is in mind the Lord, the Lord will send angels and resources that more than enough to accomplish that thing. Of course, I don't expect thing will happen with what I expected because God's way is higher than my way, just as the heavens are higher than the Earth.

I have set up a new covenant with the Lord tonight. I always set up covenant with the Lord because I like to work according to goals. Baptism was one of the covenant with the Lord 8 years ago. The Lord is gracious and prepared me within 8 years and now, I am baptized and will move on for the Lord.

I have been taking care of my mum because I have to do it. I do it out of responsibility, not love. I think it is not worth to give up my future because what I am doing now is just to be responsible. She hurts me a lot when I was young. Something that she done hurts me and I don't understand why she wanna do that, due to my immature thought, that actually affect me how to show love to my mum. Within these 2 days, I keep on praying and approaching the Lord for my mum. I know the hardest to do when you're enraged with someone, is to calm down and looking for their positive personalities. I did that when I was emotional disturbed. To do the hardest thing, it push me walk close to the Lord.

I found a better solution for our relationship. Let the Lord come into our relationship. I asked the Lord to give me the Love that belongs to Him. With the love of God, I will serve my mum, until my last breath. I am giving up my future into the Lord's hand, not my mum. With this, a new covenant is set up, it will stands forever until my last breath.

That's it for today :)

复杂为简单的事之聚

最近的生活不知道怎么了，视乎离开了我平常的轨道。想沉醉在文字和音乐的世界，或许那里容许我有无限的想象，那里有让我灵里富足的源头……平时所读的教科书不在话下，最近似乎又迷上了心理学的书籍。音乐方面就比较倾向于轻音乐，或许我是因为最近我一直在寻找着身心灵的平静。无可否认，真的只有上帝能够给我他那属天的平安。此外，我还在为他的绝情寻找着借口……

在偶然的机会下，我得知他在FB避开了我，我不明白我做错了什么，他也没有做出任何明确的表示。我还被蒙在鼓里，我想问却害怕受伤。受伤一次就够了，被同一个人伤多一次，可笑吗？我现在只想专心一意，全然的委身与上帝的事工，努力地以运动和平衡的饮食管理好自己的健康。我不会要求自己减肥，只要求自己能够健健康康继续地为上帝服务，好好的照顾家人，成为上帝喜悦的人。

我不要求别人同意我，了解我，因为没有人可以做到。唯有上帝能够明白了解我，接受我，训导我，安慰我，引领我，看清我生命的蓝图。我不要求别人的同时，我也希望人不要要求我去做我不想做的事，我不会去解释为什么我不想做某些的事情，因为我解释了，人啊，你会同意吗？你会接受吗？你会了解吗？你会安慰吗？或许会，或许不会，或许你只想我做了你希望我做的事就够了，人啊，你是否有发现你正在侵犯着我的人身自由和我的隐私吗？

我感恩上帝在这世上有很多关心我的人，但是上帝，对不起，我不懂得如何接受过多的关心，求上帝你管教指点。我知道自己不完美，我愿意去改过但是那并不代表你可以成为我生命的代理人，为我说明一切可行不可行的。我生命的代理人是我天上的父神，我听他的，就够了。人的声音太多了，蒙蔽了我聆听上帝的声音，你有发现你的罪恶有多深吗？你有发现你所说的话，是让人跌倒的吗？

简简单单的事，为什么要弄得那么复杂呢？是因为我是新人吗？是因为你对我的忠诚有疑问吗？如果有，请直接约我出去聊，好吗？我愿意对那些对我坦白直率的人坦白我的感受，反之，请记得当人开始论断其他的人的作为时，你是在论断着上帝创造之物， 也在论断着上帝的作为。人啊，为什么我不可以与我的朋友分享我们之间的事，我们之间没有见不得光的事，只有因为简单的事情的纠缠不清而变成复杂化的事情。我知道自己的眼光短浅，所以我需要他们的帮助和观点来帮助我从每个角度来看一件事。

人啊，如果你是在害怕我向我朋友说分享的事，会让他们在信心上跌倒，那难免太看小上帝保护他子民的心了吧？还是你在害怕他们在某个程度上对你们的认知，是你们不想让他们的知道的负面吗？请不要把你们做不到事情，达不到目标时的责任推到我身上。每个人都有选择成长的地方，直接的说，不是我来了数次，就代表我每天都在固定的出现，我有我人身移动的自由，也有其他的事情要眷顾。我不奢望你会了解，因为有一天你也会在新的环境下，遇到与我相似的事。

简单？哈哈哈……上述为本人在两个星期来的感受和看法，也发现简简单单的事放在一起就变复杂了。

No questions

No questions, please. No questions. Don't make things so complicated. Don't ask me "WHY". I don't wanna be mean and say straight to their face what I have kept in my heart since the conversation starts. I respect them as my friends and as they are elder than me, I take them as my leaders and ready to learn from them. I just want to clarify something here..


I am not a spontaneous person. I need to prepare myself, even just an simple outing. I need at least 1 hour to prepare myself physical and mentally. I expect a lot from the Lord in every fellowship. I expect the Lord to speaks to me. If you want me to fellowship under an unprepared situation, I would rather stay at home and spend my night reading.

I don't see the point I need to explain "WHY" to anyone upon my action or decision, if what I do doesn't affect anyone. As long as I do don't make people stumble. That's enough, right?


God, teach me Your way to do the right thing in Your sight but not pleasing anyone else. God, I thank You for the brother and sister's love toward me and Lord when I am stressed up when they start asking why, maybe You help me be patient and teach me to express myself with Your wisdom.

甜蜜的心痛

今天MUET 的听和写的试纸都派回来了。我的成绩和我所要的，还差两个band，但是最后一次的MUET已经近在眼前，我现在所能做的就只是尽我全力去阅读，去吸收更多的字词。

他的考试纸也在我这里。他写的文章是我唯一能够收藏的东西。当我一篇又一篇地看回他的文章，就好像不久之前我们常常课后留在课室自修，互相交换心得似地，只不过他的人已不在了。看着他对相亲婚姻（Arranged Marriage）看法的作文，很多的地方让我不禁失笑，不是他的文法，不是他的用词，而是他的坦诚和直接，他对事情看法的一针见血……那也是为什么我很喜欢和他谈天说地，因为对每一件事他都自己独特的看法，他常常帮助我从不同的角度看同一件事情，他也是一个（在我眼中）为自己收起很多真实感受的人，他和我一样期待找到同路人，一同同行服事的道路。或许时间不对，或许……我不知道，我们还是分开两地了。

和他相处的每一刻是我心头上的蜜糖，
但是现在放学后，
孤单一个人望着前面空无一物的座位却是我致命的毒药，
让我痛得喘不过起来，
有时甚至无法面对而提早回家。

回家的路程更是寂寞，
平时两个人的路程视乎转眼就过，
现在一个人的路程却视乎比永远更久。

下车过马路后，
我总是回过头来看他慢慢地走上山坡，
瘦瘦的背影单肩地背着书包，
一步一步地走着……
我曾经幻想他会回头发现我就站在不远处，
但是那就只是幻想。

现在，再也没有什么值得让我在回家的路上停下脚步，
因为对面的路上再也没有你。
回家的路上变成了我掩埋情绪的路途，
因为回到家，
我就是我家的保护者，
所谓的软弱就留给夜深无人时流下的眼泪吧！

心痛的甜蜜，甜蜜的心痛？到底是哪一个呢？是先心痛才感到甜蜜，还是因为甜蜜才心痛？我不知道，我混淆了……

一波接一波

原来走耶稣的路是那么的崎岖不平的，我从来没有想过我会有短时间内有这么多和复杂的经历。从朋友的突然离开，到被一个长辈言语上得罪，事情的杀伤力越来越大，我也发现自己是多么的渺小。很多年前，一位英裔的宣教士对我说过耶稣是我们唯一的朋友，我要时时仰望他从那里得到完全的力量。很多年后的今天，我很感谢这位现在不知在何处为主劳作的宣教士，他说得对，耶稣真的是我唯一的朋友。这段时间虽然很苦毒但是上帝仍然看顾保守，教导我如何依靠他成为情绪稳定的女生。

我已能够看清我现在的处境，当我们愿意为上帝做任何的事情时，魔鬼就会来骚扰，使人离开上帝。青年主日的话剧很经典，我也曾经经历过但是那段时间虽然视乎没有人来救我，但是在3年后，一次的犯错，上帝来拯救了我，把我带回他的身边。接下来的的祷告读经的日子，视乎是风平浪静，但是我说那是暴风雨前的宁静。无忧无虑，风平浪静三个月的读经生活，在第四个月便变成的评估月，视乎是上帝在考验我对他有多少的信心。

当我无助，颓废，胡思乱想的时候，我发现最简单也是最难做的事情就是祷告。因为祷告视乎很被动，他不能对伤害你的人做出任何的提醒。我只能默默地哭泣，向我看不见但是我确信他存在的神说话。快一个星期了，我每个晚上都是在流泪祷告中熬过去，凭信心相信睡醒了，一切会有所改变。虽然每天睡醒了事情还是好像一样，但是我依然相信当中是有所改变的，至少每天我长大了一点。

我确信我的过去，已过去，不能再对我有什么伤害。我欣然接受我的过去，因为上帝应用他们来让我活出今天的生命。我也愿意原谅这位长辈在有欠妥当的情况下的失言，我会继续尊重他，如同我尊重我的牧师们，我会继续花时间了解和接受他，如同上帝三番四次的了解我的感受和接纳我。

Outing

Finally, I went out with Gee last night, together with Bryan and his pretty girl friend, Siaw See :) Just before I shared about our outing last night. I learned a lesson on texting. Read all the text before you give any reaction toward it. This is because Bryan text me yesterday and he was asking whether we go 7 heaven for ice cream. He has a suggestion about there is place serving good coffee and cake but I didn't realized about it because it was at the last part of his text. I didn't reply his text, instead, I called him >.< I didn't realized he was giving suggestion. I feel so bad last night because they don't get to have coffee at 7 Heaven last night. Sorry, Bryan!

So, Bryan, Siaw See and I went to 7 Heaven first and inside there were empty, only workers are around. We walked in and after a while, suddenly a group of people coming in, the whole atmosphere just changed in a sudden, warmed up :) Gee was late (hahahaha...) and I get to know Bryan's girl friend, Siaw See there. She is pretty and attractive as I saw on Bryan's profile picture :D Around 7.40pm, Gee just arrived in a rush so I asked her to treat us, since she was late!

We shared a lot of things last night. Like about their work (There are 3 pharmacists!), the hospital, little bit about posting, about my school, and my situation at new church. I am really blessed to have Gee as my buddy as she has always been my encouragement and support no matter what situation I am in. Even though am in a new church, a different church from her, we are still close friends and support one another.

I start to see a thing when my emotion returned to it normal state. God is truly a God who cares and listen to prayers. A good friend of mine, Nelson left but God send me another bunch of friends like Bryan, Daniel, the Junior Youth. It takes time to build up friendship but I believe the Lord will the lead between us. May the Lord bless our friendship and help us to grow stronger in Faith  ;)

Time to go to church, ciao~

Normalization

Hey, people! I am getting fine here! Thank you for all your care and words of encouragement throughout the week. Thanks for helping to see things in from difference angles. I am ready to back to my normal life routine :)

振作！

這個字眼我已經對自己說了很多很多次，但是沒有一次有用。我禱告，我坦誠地向上帝抒發我的情緒，我誠實的接受我的情緒，我以為那會讓我很快就好起來，但是沒有。

這幾天我花了比平時多的時間去讀聖經，去禱告。因為情緒上的波動，讓我有時候很難去控制自己的語言和態度。我不想因為一個人的離開然我得罪了全部的朋友。上帝，你還在顧念我嗎？我求你在我每個流淚的晚上，來為我擦去我的眼淚，教導如何在這樣的情況下仰望你，依靠你。人們或許很多都不明白，不理解，或不曾花時間去理解我的心情，甚至在這段時間和我開很多對我來說是殺傷力超大的玩笑，主啊，我求你繼續同在，教導我如何從你那裡得到完全的愛而滿足。當我靈作難時，求主你不要撇面不看，因為我正需要你。求你來安撫我靈，使它能夠脫離屬世的東西而完全專注在神你的榮美當中。

心中憂鬱誰人懂，唯有上帝恩典來安撫。
多少時光行己路，上帝依然同行中。
上帝慈愛皆有忍耐，悲傷來襲主慰問。
若問千萬人中有誰懂我，我心深知上帝是唯一。

Tuesday

Today was a miserable day for me. I had insomnia again last night. I finished my report at 11.30pm but I can only get into sleep around 1am according to the radio report. I had a lot of dreams during my sleep as well but I couldn't remember any of them. I woke up at 5.45am and was almost late when I reached school at 6.43am. My mood was spoiled and I planned not to go for the farewell lunch for Nelson.

My day started with 2 periods of Biology class teaching something about blue light, red light, long day, short day plants. Having bad memories about this class. 3 chapters of note need to be complete by tonight because the note need to pass up tomorrow >.< Biology are all FACTS! Why do we need to copy the FACTS from the book and let the teacher check whether the FACTS are correct? Anyway, I still need to obey the command and finish my note tonight.

I had 7 periods of Chemistry today, so called a "Chemistry Day". We have 3 periods of tutorial and 4 periods for the experiment. I was having difficulty when I was comparing the equation to get the Faraday constant based on my experiment result. I got it as 98533C but theoretically Faraday Constant should be 96500C. So my result for Faraday constant was greater than the theoretical one, therefore my L (Avogrado's constant) is lesser than the theoretical one. I got my L as 6.16x10^23 but theoretically is 6.23x10^23. So it is slightly differ from the theoretical one for 0.06x10^23. My conclusion was saying this is due to some of the Cu ion dissolved into the CuSO4 solution and not precipitated on the cathode and caused this difference. Hmm. I am glad my scientific analyzing skill still working well until today (:

After school, my class planned to have farewell lunch with Nelson. I don't feel like going at first but I afraid I will regret if I don't see him for the last time in this year. I do admit I have special feeling toward this guy but I know what I should concentrate now. Since he had chosen the way that he wants to have in future, as my friend, I will give him my blessing and support his decision. We went KFC for the farewell and I enjoyed it. We took our first picture together and I realized I am shorter than him. I wanna to hang around with them but I was emotionally disturbed. I hardly accept he leaving us so soon! I said goodbye to him with a smile and walked away, my smile just faded when I turned my face. I forced myself to be someone that I am not, to express in a way that I don't feel that way. I am just trying my best to keep the best impression for him, I wish the things we experienced together and memories we had, will be the most precious treasure in our lives!

I came home around 2pm and start doing my note until 3pm. Took a nap at 3.30pm and woke up at 4.30pm. I had a lot of dreams, complicated dreams. The thing I only remember about the dreams are someone keep on repeating "Oh my goodness!" >.< It is my turn to say "Oh my goodness" because I am having insomnia and looking forward for dreamless night. I wish I don't dream so much tonight and allow my brain to have the best rest!

Bryan, Daniel and I went for grocery shopping at servay just now. I just knew these 2 guys for around 2 or 3 weeks. They are quite friendly and we just built up our friendship just as, how I built up our friendship with Irwinder, just within a short time. This is my Nth time grocery shopping with my friends but FIRST time with male friends. Most of the time, I shopped with Eyen for her groceries and ingredients to prepare nice meals for Dandelions. It was quite fun and allow me to observe more of my friends. Bryan is still quiet but at least now we have a little bit more conversation. He is very independent and shopped on his own. Daniel only start talking when he left the car. hahaha. I don't know why. I feel so awkward when I get into the car whereby everyone just quiet and quiet only. I assume Daniel is a good chief since he is able to plan out a lot dishes he wants to cook and probably he is a better cook than me :D I am planning whether I should drop by their place and cook them a meal (actually I want Daniel to cook for me but he refuse, instead, he ask me to cook for him. I am so glad he believe I can food that is eatable. hahahaha.) and Daniel and I were arguing who should do the washing. Since Daniel said he likes washing while, Bryan likes the cooking part only with everything prepared. So, Bryan was like Yee Hau, who desire the cooking process only and I hope, Bryan doesn't create so much things to wash like Yee Hau :P

Now, am home and am going to do prepare my "Science Tricks" proposal on July and proposal on renewing the Junior Youth song book. I wish I can give my best service to the Lord and to my class. 5 days of holidays are waiting me now! :D

Monday blues

It has been a long time since my last post in English. I did most of my recent post in chinese is because I no longer attending an English church and many things that come in touch with my life has changed its language to Chinese. However, today is another exception that I wanna blog in English.

Today is my MUET (Malaysia University English Test) Speaking final examination. I am the first person for the first group because we are from Science Class and my surname starts with C. So, being the first of the first, I was quite nervous. We got exception from attending the assembly since our exam will be start on 7.30am. I spent around 30 minutes to read my Bible in my class. I start making this habit since 2 weeks ago. I did that because I have no time to do that at home since I have rush in the morning. Breakfast, newspapers, getting some snacks for my mum as lunch and etc. Besides that, I believe when I start doing this in my class, the Lord will start to revive us although some of them are not Christian.

Before I read my Bible, I prayed to the Lord for His encouragement and support me and my team throughout the exam. When I was reading the Bible, I expect the Lord would speak to me even just through a single verse as a reminder and evidence He is there for me and my teammates. Finished reading Leviticus, nothing. Continue on with Psalm and there is where the Lord speaks to me.

Psalm 111:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of the wisdom, all who follow His precepts have good understanding. To Him belongs eternal praise.

Awesome, right? The verse just shoot straight into my heart and I start to have more peace in facing my exam. I joined back my group for warm up trial after my Bible reading. We can't speak well during the trial because all of us are nervous and uncertain of the unknown topics that are waiting for us.

During the registration and queue up to enter the examination room, one of my team members, asked me to pray with her. That was a big surprise to me! Well, I actually got anti-ed by my classmates last time because they think I am so cool and egoistic. That was my fault to gave them such first impression. Form 6 was not in my plan, anyway and I wasn't happy when I got into Form 6, sort of wasting time. I did prayed together with my team member for wisdom and calm mind during the exam. We met a very good examiner as well, her name is Catherine. She is kind and friendly. Our group were relaxed after Task A, individual presentation because of her friendliness and what she said. She said :" We are here to help you to pass, to pass with excellent but you have cooperate with us that you will speak as much as you can." That was so heart warmy :D

After having a super duper high Adrenaline rush, I get to know a friend of mine is leaving the school for Optic Diploma in KL. I already knew this news on Saturday. I tend not to react extremely on that but still I failed. When I saw him sitting in the staff room with his mother, I just realized I am not ready to accept his leaving. However, I still walked in and talk with his mother, just to have a conversation. I hardly remember why I walked in this morning.

I tried my best to "compressed" my feeling, my negative feeling. I know what's reaction and action if I allow this negative feeling continue to grow. I will get frustrated and start to show my "dark face" to people around me. I just don't want that to happen. People didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't vent my frustration toward them. 4 periods of Maths class. I tried to focus my mind on my maths exercise but that was not working and I spent that 2 hours with blank minded. That's the only way I can stop the negative feeling from growing. Keep compressed, compressed and compressed....

Not until the end of the school, my classmates were saying loud in the class "someone is sad because someone has left." I know they were talking about me but I am too tired to bother them. With the bad night rest, adrenaline rush this morning and emotion compressing for almost 3 hours, I am already tired and weary. I almost lost my mind when one of my friends came to me and said: "Nelson left. Are you sad?" I told her, I am okay with this. I already knew this on Friday night from his mother. There is nothing to be sad, life should be move on." I end my sentence with a laugh but am actually lying to my friend. I am not okay. I am still wondering why I tend to react so extreme toward his leaving. I thought we were just friends, no chemistry? Or I myself have started to admire him but I didn't realized it since we always spend time together in the class after school, talking about nonsense and discussing our sharing etc?

I hardly get into sleep for these few days and this noon, I tell myself "Jacklyn, it is over. No matter how do you depressed are you, you need a REST." So, I have the best nap today after so many sleepless night.

I actually have a date with my friends for going to fresh markets and shop for groceries at 5.30pm. I was shocked when I woke up at 4.30pm! 1 hour time, prepare dinner and bathing? What a challenging routine! However, when I checked my phone, my friend told me the shopping changed to tomorrow because they are going for friend's birthday (: Then my mum asked me no need to cook and went for restaurant outside to have our dinner ^^

Well, this conclude part of my Monday. Just be frank here, I afraid of losing control over my emotion because I know how powerful and dangerous is the word. A word might able to raise someone up, as well as, kill someone. May the Lord teach and help me not to speak when I am depressed.

《清心守候的女人》 - 辛勤耕耘的女人

這一章是比較著重在女人的服事態度和一些教導如何面對單身的問題。

John Fischer 說過：「神呼召我現在活著。他要我意識到男人的全然潛力，為自己所處的環境感恩，而且盡情享受其中的樂趣。我發現一個奇怪的現象：似乎每個期待的結婚的人，在踏入婚姻，咀嚼婚姻的滋味后，竟然期待自己再次單身！他會自問：＂爲什麽當我尚未有這麼多義務之前，不善用時間服事神？當我還是單身時，爲什麽不把自己完全交給神？」
我覺得這番話很值得去思想，雖然我還沒有結婚但是我肯定如果現在我沒有把自己獻給神，我在將來是會後悔的。從我開始閱讀這本書到現在，我的眼光已經從人轉移到上帝的國度，但是我的心還在掙扎。我要如何把自己獻給神，這樣做后會有什麽的後果等等的疑問。

在閱讀這一章，我也開觀察自己服事的態度。我是否有緊緊地跟隨神并勤於服事他？我服事的態度是否漸漸的消退在怨天尤人和自憐里？我相信很多的女性都因為單身而自憐，但是與其把時間浪費在討好世上的愛人和自憐，為何不先討好上帝呢？至於如何面對自戀的謊言就是：「事情通常是這樣的，每當我不在問神為我預備的是什麽，而開始問我可以提供什麽時，事情就開始有所改善。首先是從我的態度開始，我努力追求靈命的成長，而且跟神之間一對一的關係也越顯穩固，并找機會服事人。」追求上帝是唯一讓我們心靈富足的道路，因為我們所需的一切皆從神來！

當我繼續深入探討「辛勤」這兩個字時，我發現他背後的意義正是許多人都不願意去順服的，就是「專注和無怨無悔」。專注是什麽？專注就是你專心地，一次只做一件事。速食的文化已漸漸入侵世界甚至是教會里，什麼東西都要快，一次過要完成兩件事以上。這樣的情況下，基督徒要更加依靠神來把自己的腳步調慢，并阻擋速食文化的入侵。之餘無怨無悔就是無怨言和無悔恨下完成一件事。但是試問有多少個人能做到呢？人們的不知足，對於身邊的每一件事都有怨言，就只有怨言，連值得向上帝感恩的事情都忽視了！專注和無怨無悔的功課都是我要學習的，我不能說我從不感恩上帝的恩典，但是我相信現在所看到的只是恩典的一部份，還有更多的在我的忽視中。

辛勤在服事里所扮演的角色：教學，鼓勵，禱告，服務，寫信，傾聽，招待，幫助和鮮為人知的工作。不知爲什麽當我看到這些事工時，就好像上帝在對我說：「你現在也可以開始服事了！」當我開始擬清我服事的動機是什麽的時候，我似乎不再在乎別人是否能看見我在事奉，我不是做給人看而是以服事來回報上帝的恩典。Richard Foster說過一句話：「如果我們服事是要做給人看的，我們真會成為膚淺的人。」

最後，這章說明凡想進入任何一種的事工，都需要有奉獻的態度。奉獻幾乎是可以和「專注」和「無怨無悔」拉上關係。所以每當我們要為上帝做一件事的時候，請記得要查驗自己的態度哦！

掃墓任務完成

今天6點左右就起來準備去掃墓了。早餐就吃2塊餅乾，一杯Horlicks就出門了。今天一路上都走得很慢，還不小心摔了一跤，幸好我的“八月十五”夠大，沒有摔得太重。剛開始的時候，不是很痛，走完了四個地方就開始痛了 >.<

其實摔一摔也不錯，至少我知道我的鞋子要換了，我要多一點跑山，我要想辦法提高我的新陳代謝等等……“八月十五”是很痛啦但是很值得因為我終於能夠去為我爸掃墓，向他獻上我最大的感恩。我還是說了我之前在我網址所寫的那一番話，感謝他曾經那麼強逼我念書，以至今天我非常愛書，也以學習為我的樂趣。

掃墓的任務總算完成了，我可以繼續向前走了！明天，MUET SPEAKING考試，愿上帝幫助我有清晰的思緒，有智慧的對答，讓我在這次考試中拿得好的成績！

星期五+ 思青團契初體驗

昨天可說是皆大歡喜的一天，一來是考試終於完畢了！我的數學二也派回來了，21/33，不錯吧？原來多做練習，多溫習它的概念，成績出來真的是不一樣！二來是我終於明白什麽叫做「不同流合污」！

昨天的In House Plus Pengajian Am 講座的時候，6AS （也就是我現在讀著的那一班）被講員老師當衆批評和臭駡一頓。雖然我也是6AS的一分子，但是我並沒有被老師的話刺傷，因為有很多的事情我並沒有參與在其中。被罵的時候，我就像是個局外人，隔岸看戰并希望老師的那一番話真的能夠讓他們看清楚6AS其實也是很普通的一班，不應該有學術的差別而把自己看得比別人高，甚至比老師高！你過去的成績，多少個A+都已成過去，你的過去不能在未來為你見證什麽，未來最好的見證就是做好現在的事。念好書，學好禮儀，就够了。有時候很多事情，我都看不順眼但是爲了不想惹起不必要的麻煩，就靜靜好了。所以，希望這一次被老師當衆的臭駡可以讓6AS的每一個人都醒醒！如果你真的很聰明，很有本事，你就不必進中六委曲求全地進本地大學了，你們可以直接進私立大學！6AS十個學生當中，有爸爸為校長的同學，有家境雄厚的同學，有天資聰明的同學，如果真的覺得學校的老師讓你們受委屈了，你們還有其他的選擇，不必在老師後面做小動作。就算我們是6AS又怎樣？是理科生又怎樣？是誰說理科生出去了一定是有好工作，賺大錢的？在學校學不會尊重師長那麼簡單的功課，以後出社會了一就是眼睛長在頭頂了，二就是被人踩到地底了！雖然對於有些老師的無理取鬧，我也有同感但是當我帶入老師的角度去看我們所做的事，我也會有同樣的憤怒和無理取鬧。希望這一次的教訓可以讓6AS學會一些功課，也希望往後的日子大家真的能夠學會「尊師重道」這道理！

昨天也是我第N次撥電話給我不認識的福音車駕駛員，麻煩他今晚送我去教會參加少團聚會。我真的很不好意思，因為我猜他應該住在5哩以上的，要他下來3哩班載我，還真不好意思呢……今晚一定要好好謝謝這位駕駛員！

昨晚也是我第一次去青團聚會！哇，有夠刺激的！聚會晚上7.30分開始，我晚上6.15還在找交通！那時還未沖凉，吃飯，連母親都還沒有知道我要出去！我還是很感恩上帝因為他讓我有一個很好和貼心的顧問幫忙我找交通，信息電話來回不知道多少通，真是感謝上帝的安排和差派！在去教會的的路途中，我一直不斷的禱告因為我發現一件事，我沒有向神交代這件事！就一直忙忙忙著找交通，完全忘了依靠神！路途中，我就開始做禱告和準備自己的心。雖然說是去看看，但是我還是很期望上帝會透過這樣的聚會跟我表明他更多更深奧的旨意。我完全不知道我去到那裡會發生什麽事，那裡的人會有什麽反應，那一天的活動是什麽等的細節，我什麽都不知道就這樣拿了聖經就出門了。到了教會，上了三樓，看門之前，我還猛吞了口水，因為我很害怕！！推門進去后，還好的，因為有我認識的Daniel和Bryan在，所以我就坐在他們中間準備查經班的開始。

那天晚上我們討論的是約翰福音3章，重點在『重生』很特別的一個話題。我也在這裡公開一下我昨晚學到的功課。列如：「什麽是重生？」「爲什麽要重生？」「怎樣重生？」重生不是 1）熟悉聖經真理 2）相信神跡 3）尊敬耶穌 4）相信有上帝 5）從頭或重新做人。要重生是因為 1）那是耶穌說的 2）要得永遠的生命 3）要與神相通 4）生命側底改變。
重生是藉著水和靈 （生活行為）和信耶穌從死裡復活。雖然那天晚上我的小組沒有做很多的討論，因為每個人很累了除了William，一直在講笑話 >.< 當天晚上所得到的不止這些，而是接下來每個星期日交通的問題都迎刃而解了！我的兩位朋友他們住在Grandview，所以他們上教會的時候就可以順便載我了，這樣比麻煩不知道在那裡住的福音車駕駛員載我更好，哈哈哈哈~

終結來說，我在青團聚會的初體驗還蠻好的！這樣比之前的小組查經班讓我學會更多因為有些時間可以做筆記。我很感恩上帝與我同行的一天，他讓講員老師的臭駡作爲了我對自己鞭策，要學會尊敬的功課，他也讓我看見當我忘了他的時候，他依然幫助我處理我的問題，禱告的力量是不可被忽視的因為我所禱告的，上帝都聽見並為我做出最好的安排，我以後也可以不為交通的問題煩了！

列外篇：昨晚Daniel贊我的字很美，讓我現在每寫一個字都要檢查好幾篇，快受不了自己過分的完美主義了！ 然後我之前認為很靜很cool的一個人，他還是很靜，笑點超高的，很冷靜，但是我們喜歡的東西卻有一點點的相似。我雖然愛看電腦（多數是在看電子書）愛看書，但是我也很崇向大自然的風景（突然發現我很久沒有拍攝美景了，找時間要做做這件事！）或許那就是爲什麽我們的視力差這樣遠。昨晚懶惰帶隱形眼鏡，結果上課時變瞎子看不到前面，幸好可以抄隔壁的筆記~ 呵呵呵……

繼續忙…期待清明節的到來

感謝神，為期三天的月考終於都來到了尾聲！雖然明天英文還有一張紙，但是我已經開始進入放鬆的狀態了，剛才還請自己吃了最喜歡的KFC Pocketful！久久吃一次，沒有什麽關係吧 ^^

考試忙完了，接下來的又是精神和體力的雙重考驗 — 清明節來勒 ~！這一天算是我一年當中除了我生日以外，最期待的一天，因為這一天我可以去看看我爸爸和他的“家”。只可惜我每一次都無法記住那路怎麼走，不然我自己也可以去探望他。爲什麽我說是“精神和體力的雙重考驗”呢？因為這幾天隨著清明節越來越接近，我就越來越想我爸，所以要時時警惕免得我的想念成了我媽媽的傷感的開端。雖然每一年他都沒辦法和我一起去掃墓但是我知道她是很想去的，從我爸逝世到現在，她一次都未能和我們一起去，因為他的行動不方便。我很明白他的感受但是我卻不知道能為她做些什麽。我今年打算帶相機去把我爸的“家”拍下來給我媽看，但是我叔叔他們都很害怕鬼神之說，擔心他們不讓我這樣做。體力的考驗也就是，（誰認識我的，都知道我很大隻）我自己也承認我像豬一樣愛吃愛睡但是做起事來卻完美主義得不得了！試問天下間哪裡會有一隻超級完美主義的豬呢？我還是當回人好了！又再一次要和我的叔叔們，或許這次堂弟們都會在，賽跑跑百步梯咯！

小時候，覺得清明節的到來是累贅，是一種對肉體的虐待，因為要拿著很多的東西走百步梯和山路。除了那個原因，是因為我那時很矮，我的叔叔們都很高，腳長走得快，每次都把我留在後面。我記得我小時候的清明節是上山，點香，燒東西，拜拜，回家。但是當我漸漸的長大，我開始學會感恩。感恩上帝讓我在這一天有親人的墳墓讓我來打掃，要知道有些人他們連自己的父親是誰，長什麽樣的都不知道。二來是，可以我的叔叔們有一段簡短相處的時間。我們各有各的家庭，當初在病床前的諾言，他們現在或許都不記得了，但是我們還是活的好好的，我還被養的像豬一樣大隻，所以還是感恩上帝這些年來的保守和供應。

我從上個星期就開始等我叔叔的電話，之前有打給他們，但是他們說還沒有決定。希望我一直等待的電話快快來吧！我好想念我爸，想知道他的“家”有沒有長滿了野草，所有的磚塊是否完好無缺，那墓碑是否還是潔白的（這次還是帶一些清潔劑去好了），當年那棵在他墳前為他遮風擋雨和太陽的大樹是否還茁壯，從他“家”望去的遠方是否還能夠看見綠色的樹林和蔚藍的大海……

我更想做的是，告訴他，爸，婷婷又來看你了。我現在已經十九歲了，過了今年我就會畢業準備上大學了，我一定會做到我們家第一個大學生，完成你要我讀好書的願望。 還有，我會儘量記住你住的地方，好讓我往後的每一年都可以自己來給你掃墓和探望你……

《清心守候的女人》 - 全然委身的女人

就如我之前所說，當我開始讀這本書的時候，上帝是不會讓我好過的。我開始讀第一章的時候，上帝就透過書本告訴我，“結婚、生育、做家事都無法使我成為一個真正的女人，一個真正的女人乃是合身心意的女人。” 我的內心深處一直渴望著學業/事業上的成就，愛情，建立家庭，生兒育女等等的，但是這份渴求並不是導向耶穌的，而是更多的“我，我，我..."

Gary Chapman,曾經說過 “我深深感覺到，婚姻的呼召絕對不比單身的呼召更高。那些真正喜樂的人，無論已婚或單身，都有共同的發現：真正的喜樂並非來自婚姻，而是和上帝建立美好的關係。” 當我反復的思想這番話的時候，我漸漸能看見我現在單身的呼召。我現在的呼召就是趁我還有任何約束前，勇敢地出去為上帝發光發熱。與其天天把時間浪費在等我的男人出現又或者討好我喜歡的人，上帝的呼召更是重要！

我也學會了一個關於耶穌在世時的猶太人文化 —女人的玉瓶。當女人到了適婚的年齡，他的家人就會為他預備一個玉瓶，並在裏面裝滿貴重的香膏，而這裝著香膏的玉瓶就是女人的嫁妝。當一個男人向她求婚時，他就會在求婚者腳前打破玉瓶并膏抹在他的腳，這代表著他對那男士的尊重。在聖經里，也有一個女人把玉瓶打破，用香膏澆在耶穌的頭上（可14:3-9) 這個女人是個罪人（路7:37）但是她全然地把自己獻給了天上的新郎 —耶穌，因為他知道未有耶穌能實現他的夢想。當我反思我的玉瓶里所裝的是什麽的時候，我有對自己坦白的困難。裡頭裝太多太多我的夢想，我從小開始的渴望...很多我不知道怎麼能夠表達自己的夢想和渴望。我渴望有一個完整的家庭，我渴望我的家庭是健康的，我渴望我從來沒逼自己長大過，我渴望我能閉眼不看家人的需要，只爲自己利益前進，我渴望能夠實現我的夢想 - 心理醫生，我渴望我可以完成一個初級到高級的鋼琴，爵士鼓，吉他的課程，我渴望上帝差遣我去宣教...

我願意把我的玉瓶在耶穌腳前打破并抹在他腳上，我希望我的夢想和渴望都得以實現，而耶穌是唯一一個能夠成就這事的神。

接下來我也再次研讀了《路得記》的精華。之前SBC有在教這本書但是我沒用心聽。當我更深的研讀這書的時候，上帝幫助我代入了路得的角色。路得是一個摩押寡婦，摩押也被稱為上帝的沐浴盆。我的過去也如此，我渴望愛，但是我從不尋求神的愛，我敬拜的是我自己，我愛的音樂，我甚至把犯罪合理化。久而久之，我的靈命枯萎了，我哭求人的幫助但是沒有人能夠救我。我決意回到上帝那裡，讀經禱告與神建立關係，藉著禱告來到新的教會。在這裡，我有新的朋友但是這書提醒我要小心存在於我們周圍的“摩押人“，過度和他們蹉跎時光將會阻礙我靈命的成長。我相信這是在提醒我一直都學不會的功課 【不要看人做事，要看神做事】！

路得除了有了新的朋友，她也來到了新的環境，我也一樣，不是嗎？我希望我的靈命得著餵養而遷移他地，因為原來的人際關係已經讓我的靈命停歇。爲了靈命成長，我必須勇於接受改變。從SBC遷移到衛理公會，當中真的需要很大的勇氣。我曾經很害怕教會會怪我忘恩負義，畢竟他們已經培訓了我那麼多年。我一句“靈命成長停歇”就離開了他們，我個人也覺得很不負責任。二來是，衛理公會和我之前參與過的教會雖然相似但是我深知他們並不真的一樣。來到了新的環境，我必須勇敢接受人對我不理解的看法，我也必須勇敢的打開心門去接受我周圍的兄弟姐妹。但是更更更重要的是要仰望上帝，唯有這樣，無論人令我有多么地失望，都不會傷得太重，因為做事看的是上帝不是人。

新的信心，這一點我很確定我有因為我從來沒有像如此依靠上帝，時時禱告。我不知道爲什麽我會這樣，但是我相信這是聖靈的工作。雖然在教會還是找不到同路人，之前我認為我找到了，但是對方可不是那麼認為。我不知道他時候當我是同路人，還是當時他真的很需要人分享，所以就和我分享了。

單身，並不是不完全而是準備成為一個填補者。一個單身的女人必須真正的瞭解唯有在基督里才能找到完全的滿足，這樣他才夠成熟當個好伴侶（也就是填鋪丈夫的不足）

只是單單的第一章，已經開始讓我不住的要看下去，但是我已規定自己一天只能看一章，面的消化不良啊！哈哈哈...我真的希望知道更多，更多關於如何委身給耶穌，如何裝備自己成為一個合心意的女人。但願在我閱讀這書的時候，上帝會漸漸的幫助我成為一個辛勤、有信心、賢德、專注、聖潔、有安全感、知足、堅信、有耐心的女人并幫助我和我屬靈新郎（耶穌）建立好的關係。

*之前才說等待洗禮的日子好像是待嫁的日子，現在書上又教導說耶穌是女人的屬靈新郎，還蠻巧的！ (:

圖書館 - 《清心守候的女人》

今天在偶然的機會下第一次到教會的圖書館逛逛，讓我發現了很多我一直很想看的書，列如：《態度，決定你的高度！》，《事奉人生》，《團契人生》，《在詩人的眼裡》，《聖經故事》等等的書。真的讓我很驚喜！我除了喜歡音樂，就是很喜歡閱讀。但是我會選一些適合和有建設性才會看，因為聖經說眼睛是身體的光，如果眼睛黑暗了，身體就充滿黑暗了。

一直在書架前做來做去，最後借了一本名叫《清心守候的女人》。我借這本書的原因是因為我發現自己不再是少年了（很現實的說），我已經識青年了，是時候要充實自己，讓自己清楚明白如何成為讓上帝喜悅的女人。我在十一歲的時候，曾經看過一本叫《智慧夫人》的書，這本書很明確的告訴我，一個有智慧屬神的夫人，是該如何照顧他的家庭，如何照顧他的飲食，如何持續和上帝建立關係，如何在工作和家庭之間得到平衡等等... 我還想再看看這本書，或許當時還小，很多事情不明白。現在長大一點了，對那本書所教導的或許會有不同的看法。但是我沒有找到這本書，只找到一本《清心守候的女人》....至於守候一些什麽，我可以在還沒有開始讀之前就告訴你，守候上帝！

守候，已經不是一件簡單的事了，而且還要做一個“清心”的女人。我覺得我在看這本書的時候，我不會好過，因為上帝會在當中教導我很多的東西，甚至勸誡我改我之前認為是好的習慣。我的組長曾經告訴我，“如果你覺得讀聖經是一間很舒服的事，那你就該當心了，因為你並沒有完全讓上帝的話語融入你的生命和經歷生命的改變！” 這句話，很真！因為我讀經快一個月了，上帝喜歡喜歡就會丟給我一個我認為沒有答案的問題，這些問題時常讓我感到沮喪，最後還是回到上帝那裡尋求答案。我相信在我開始研讀《清心》的時候，也會有同樣的事發生但是這是在身眼中看為好的，因為我將會經歷生命成長 :D

感恩！

現在的我可以說是十分的開心，手舞足蹈也不足于讓我向上帝說明我有多么的感恩和amazed by 上帝的信實和作為！

之前在加入衛理公會前，一直都很矛盾，一直沒有辦法確定是否要離開，不清楚我應該看人還是看神...覺得靈命成長次於人們對我的栽培。我越逼自己不要去想其他教會的事，咬緊牙關繼續在教會服事下去，服事就越痛苦。以前那種服事的甘甜消失得無影無蹤！當時服事的動機就是為了回報教會對我的栽培，對我關愛和對我多年來的信任并托與重要的工作。我向上帝立下盟約，從三月開始努力追求他的旨意,每一天儘量早起半個小時禱告讀經，時時思想上帝的話語。

起初空虛的靈等到飽足，過了兩個星期開始懶了加上身體出現大大小小的狀況讓我很沮喪和害怕。曾經想過放棄，但是當我想到這次將會是影響我一生的決定時，我一定要堅持下去。我已經19歲了，是時候去兌現我在十一歲時對上帝的承諾 -Once I permitted with absolute religion freedom, I will go and be baptist to declare that I belongs to the LORD! (當我得到絕對的宗教信仰自由的時候，我會義無反顧地去受洗幷向世界宣告我是屬於上帝的子民！) 我已經一而再再而三地詢問他的意見。很明顯的，她不支持也不反對但是這樣就說明了：我已經得到絕對的宗教信仰自由了！

當我確定了這一點，我繼續等，繼續禱告，短短的數個星期讓我學會了禱告和默想經文的功課。就是這樣，上帝把我從矛盾中拉了出並給我一巴掌！從閱讀和默想使徒行傳的時候，我發現保羅做的每一件事都是為上帝，他只專注的仰望耶穌，專心的做每一件聖靈交托與他的工作，縱使他要去宣教的地方有危險，身邊的人勸他不要前去，他反而責備那些人，義無反顧地前往！這裡的教訓不只一巴掌而是很多巴掌，不斷地清楚我思想中的灰色地帶。人，所做的事若不是為上帝而做，就是為人而做的；所仰望依靠的不是耶穌，就是依靠和我們一樣不完美，有缺陷的人了。

上帝要管教的時候，必然會有疼痛的感覺。他會教導你放開一些對你無益的事情，拿起一些對你有益但你卻不喜歡的事。我愛山浸當中的每一個兄弟姐妹，感謝他們對我的栽培和關愛，甚至是他們的同理心 - 讓我這個還不是教會會有的年輕人有機會在不同的領域服事和經歷。但是上帝教導我看清一個事實，他創造我不知是要我和他的子民有團契，更主要的是，他要我把他擺在第一位，凡事都是第一位！剛剛學會這個功課的時候，我真的很不願意，我甚至禱告說：我願意把我一生服事的甘甜擺上，為的是要一直和山浸的弟兄姐妹在一起。我害怕改變，我害怕從新認識人，從新去建立和我有默契的服事精兵..還是老話一句，我害怕改變！現在我服從了因為在詩篇說：凡緊記上帝律法的，上帝必大大地祝福和帶領他。心意的改變不單單一句經文而經過一段時間的思想和內戰才會有所改變。

上星期日，當我再次禱告向神確定是否要洗禮的時候，上帝沒回應也沒在我那天早上的經文回應我。直到崇拜開始，牧師證道時，所用的經文讓我感到很意外！上帝正在回應我！路加福音 8:16-17 “沒有人點燈用器皿蓋上，或放在床底下，乃是放在燈檯上、叫進來的人看見亮光。因為隱藏的事、沒有不顯出來的。隱瞞的事、沒有不露出來被人知道的。” 油是基督，燈是我。基督已經實在實在地在我生命了，我的燈臺已經滿有油了，爲什麽我還猶豫不前為主發光呢？就這個原因，崇拜后我就向牧師領取了洗禮的表格。8年來每次看見別人洗禮我都會流淚，一來是感恩上帝的國度又多一個人！二來是有所感觸，不知道何時才會輪到我。8年後的今天，上帝讓我的淚沒有白流，因為很快，我就要歡呼收割了！這段時間我要更努力爲家人和自己禱告 :D

山浸教會那裡已經聯絡好啦，他們都知道我到衛理公會崇拜了，也恭喜我就快洗禮了！

我真的很開心 :D

接受 · 過去 · 認識 · 尋著 · 依然 等待

我等待的人，
不是等待我的人.

這個事實，我在去年就懂了,
從他如何把我喜歡他的事當成笑話，
在他朋友之間流傳..
成為他們的消遣.

我不知道他當時的心態是如何，
他是要我受傷離去嗎？
還是一直以來我都只不過是他的消遣？

現在有機會認識他了，
我學會尊重，學會接受，學會妥協..
能夠遇到什麽都能聊的朋友，
夫何苛求呢？

過去的，我會學會放下.
他說的對，人只不過是靈命的輔助器，
唯有回到神那裡，靈命才會有突破！

我們以後都會是很好的朋友..
只不過如果我依然期望你能夠看見我已回首,
暫時來說，我還是在等你.

回首

今天還是沒有見到他，或許他真的病了，又或許他在為教會的事忙。算了...

偶然的機會讓我們邂逅，
但是我從沒發現我們原來我們都向不通的方向走去..

或許我要感謝上帝允許我犯罪，
讓我在年少的時候驚動愛情..
當年的傷害，成為現在的借鏡..

擦身而過之時，
心中渴望你的回首，
眼看你似乎回首了，
把眼鏡戴上，才發現那只是我的錯覺..

我應該哀悼嗎？
如果我不曾任性要把一切看得那麼清楚，
或許我會繼續把你回首的錯覺當真..

我可以走近你多一步嗎？
你說愛情單純是一種行動..

雖然我們是擦身而過，
走向不同的方向，
但是我已經回首了，你看見了嗎？

抓狂!

去，還是不去？
好煩...
去，就要上5個小時的課，
領回課本又要開始做筆記...
不去，我就可以多享受幾天的假期..
很懶，對吧？

七早八早就要面對這樣複雜的事.
我都不知道我在想什麽，
他不在乎，就算咯..
何必搞得自己睡不好，連思路也受影響...
現在有一個人知道我要離開教會，
已經是好事了！

寫了怎麼多東西，我還是無法分清楚，
我在想什麽和我要什麽...
算啦..我對自己都不能坦白..
還是去然後用功課埋葬我無法分清的思緒..

生命

在這個時候，很多人或許已經睡了，有些人或許還在狂歡當中，有些人或許在遠地回家的路途中，無論如何，現在的我，十分的慚愧和內疚就對了。

日本所發生的地震讓我更加的去思想生命的意義。如果今晚凌晨山打根發生地震和海嘯，我發現自己還未能夠淡然無懼地面對死亡。當中的原因，是我家人的救恩。這個問題一直都困擾著我，有時候我愛我母親勝于耶穌，我是否不配作基督徒了....我時常都在思考這個問題，每一天的讀經成為我尋找上帝，尋找答案的地方，但是我還是還沒有找到。

我渴望生命的改變，我渴望上帝把我從頭到腳，從裡到外都把我翻新，讓世人看見，讓我媽看見，上帝改變了我的生命，因而認識上帝。靈命的成長不能單靠感覺，這是我最近學會的功課。感覺只不過是憑空想像，荷爾蒙的作祟，蒙蔽理智的發洩；上帝是實實在在的存在，感覺是不能評定他是否存在。

我發現我越親近上帝，我面對事情的難度就越來越高，當中的功課還是一樣 - 學習仰望上帝。 先是我驚動愛情，然後是生病了，接下來是雙重的壓力下面對兩場的比賽和處理營會的事情，在那裡我崩潰了！一來是有壓力了，二來是缺少情緒上的支持，三是遷移教會讓我似乎突然間失去了長輩的扶持。我第一次發現自己是那麼的渺小和無助，人若沒有上帝，他該如何過活？哭過了，沮喪過了（我的沮喪只維持了一天），生命再次重新出發。原因？因為世上真的有一位上帝！我的禱告，他在聽，他在回應。仰望的功課雖然講是容易，真正做到的，又有多少人呢？這一項功課需要每天來到上帝的跟前，每一天都在學習直達我們回天家的那一天。

我現在依然在生病當中，所服用的藥也沒有太大的幫助，最多只有減少了我呼吸苦難的問題。但是我依然很感恩，因為我前兩天發高燒的時候，因著上帝的保守我沒太難過，反而可以想到辦法讓自己退燒。一切的榮耀和贊美都應該歸於上帝！二來，我的食慾還是很好，只是睡眠比較有問題，很容易就醒了。每一天四點就醒了，不過是好事啦..可以早起讀經 （：

生命不會重來，愿我今生能夠抓緊上帝和他的話語，不胡亂驚動愛情，凡事仰望他，直到見他那一天！

紙張與網子

把風扇開到最大的速度，面向紙張與網子...是人都知道先破掉的會是紙張。當中的原因是，風扇吹來的所有壓力，紙張都把他們全收下來；相反的，網子只飄飄而沒有破掉。把這放在我們的生命里，風扇就是人的言語，紙張或網子就在於你的心態。當人說了些奉承的話，難聽的話，如果我們的心態是紙張，我們就會把全部收下來；相反的，如果你的心態是網子，只有適合聽得才會被收下，不適合的就丟掉。

我一直以來都以為我可以做得那麼瀟灑，但是有些事情發生了證明我是錯的！我曾經最愛的教會團契，讓我看見我是錯的。我小氣，我斤斤計較，我胡思亂想...或許和我最好的人都不會知道我是這樣的人。但是一個和我相處數個月的人卻能觀察出。到底是那人真的時時在觀察我，還是我身邊的人根本沒有關心過我的感受？我不知道，我現在只求上帝每天來更新我心，幫助我從紙張變為網子。

我不會再去計較當初他們聘請了誰，他們選擇了誰，他們什麽什麽的...過去的，我應該讓它過去，就算是一些生命中的經歷吧！小時候，每每又不好的事情發生，我就會做感恩的禱告，因我相信發生在我身上的每一件事，都有神他獨特的旨意在當中。我要重拾當初在基督里為嬰孩的信心，無論什麽事，都要懷感恩的心！我也要像昨晚少團那首歌一樣，學會如何專心仰望耶穌，唯有這樣我才能不靠任何人得到靈命的成長。

角度

我一直都認同“旁觀者清”這句話，但是之前沒有遇過一個“旁觀者”願意對我坦白。今天一個偶然的機會和一位“旁觀者”交談了約3個小時。當中聊的，分享的，都是我甚少會遇到的。

能夠遇到一個人和你花時間聊聖經，聊生命成長，聊心理學，是一種福氣。我所謂的聊聖經並不是很認真的，死板板的對著一則經文，而是把整本聖經翻到完。這就是我要的研究聖經的方式，我會得到更多，記得更多。時常靈里軟弱，卻漸漸發現每一次主都同在。當我願意親近神，他也願意親近我，預備許多機會讓我見證他的美好。我相信我今天和那位弟兄的談話不是偶然，而是上帝的安排。當中他也丟了很多我不曾想過或我不想想的問題。無論如何，既然問題丟來了，雖然我不必對人作答，但是我需要對神作答。在思考那些問題，讓我發現我真的很需要神。人，根本沒有能力改變什麽。沒有上帝的生命，就如草原上的草，隨風擺動，沒有絲毫的穩定可言。

我曾經自暴自棄，認為我是世上的垃圾，不配得在多次失敗后，回到神的身邊。或許是累了，我渴望上帝的同在。以前的，我無法追回；將來的親密，我可以從現在開始尋求他。因為一個人的話，我願意再試一次。我並不是要歸功於他，因為我相信他只不過是“上帝的郵差”向我說明，只要我親近神，我必定能找到他。讀經生活剛剛開始，還是沒有辦法早半個小時起來，或許是我太懶了。每一天的讀經讓我學會從不同的角度去看那些經文，因為如果我只單單的讀，沒有思考，那只是浪費時間。從作者，從當時的人，從非基督徒，從初信者等等的角度。雖然我沒有辦法記住我全部讀過的經文但是我相信它們會在我心裡扎根。

角度，除了對事會有不同的結果，對人也是一樣。以前我一直都和他保持距離，什麽事都隔岸觀看。有事沒事都只會諷刺他，但是當我去到他的教會，發現...或許我需要對他改觀。我無法具體的描述我對他的看法，但是總之有改觀了。我也學會尊敬他，雖然他有時真的讓我很想揍他。不同角度看一個人，真的是不一樣。我記得我以前最喜歡的一句話“每一件事情的背後都有它的原因”。我班上的女人不是很喜歡我，我知道是我的原因，我願意改變但是我會讓自己清楚的是，我是為誰而作。動機很重要！動機錯誤，行動就會錯誤，行動錯誤，小事就誤己，大事就會影響其他人。

還有，原來每一間教會都會有他們的問題。復興始于一人！從現在開始我要“只看見耶穌一人，見不到其他人！”我相信禱告可以改變生命，我也會開始為身邊的人禱告，希望從苦難試探中，他們能夠瞭解，世上除了和神建立關係為最尊貴，最重要的事以外，沒有什麽事能夠與此相比！

今天的教導：角度，不同的角度，不同的結果。信心，上帝不曾離開過，只要有信心，就能找到他。禱告，雖然似乎很被動，但是那可是史上最強大的武器 - 屬神的武器！

禱告得聆聽的喜悅

罪人得救，
是本乎恩，
是因信藉著禱告得救。

可見，
禱告乃是與神溝通的管道。

人遠離神時，
就會懷疑自己的禱告上帝是否會聆聽。
可是人還在猶豫的時候，
上帝已向人張開雙手，
成為人的避難所。

有的人選擇禱告并相信會得到聆聽，
在惆悵得到開解，
在悲傷中得到安慰，
在軟弱中得以剛強，

在病痛中得到醫治，
在失望中重新得到希望！

有的人繼續地懷疑上帝，
然而他們的禱告，
上帝都聽見并在當中工作，
但是人不知道，
繼續的埋怨上帝忽略他。

情人節的前一晚，是那麼的難過。惆悵，悲傷，埋怨，失望.... 從來不明白爲什麽我會不一樣，不一樣的家庭，不一樣的外表特徵，不一樣的性格，不一樣的負擔，不一樣的恩賜等等。那一個晚上，是我一個月來最最最誠懇的禱告。我曾經懷疑上帝不會聆聽我的禱告，但是我相信在我還是罪人的時候，他已經讓耶穌為我的罪死在十架上，我罪已得赦免。上帝不再是我的審判者，而是我的父親，我與他和好。就這樣不斷的提醒自己，我終於能夠安心睡覺暫時放下憂慮。

從學校到醫院的路程，我發現我真的很需要一個人陪，可惜，我還是自己一個人自己去醫院，因為我明白有些事情是需要自己來面對。我等了大概2個小時才輪到我。那時候我在閱讀聖經里士師記和上撒母耳，裏面兩個的故事都是說著兩名不育的女人向上帝禱告希望能到生育並把所生的baby獻給上帝，剃刀永遠都不會用在他們的頭上。這兩名女人的確生育了也照他們所說把所生的baby獻給神。上帝也使用這兩個baby在那時代成就了他所要成就的事，那兩個baby就是Samson 和 Samuel。

我得到的啓發是所求的，上帝都會聆聽但是他會在他自己的時間里去成就我們所禱告的事。每一件事都有上帝的時間，原因和看顧。這讓我覺得很安心。除了得到聖經的啓發，我的情況也算是穩定了，醫生允許我停止服藥三個月並進入觀察期 :) 我見了6次的醫生，我第一次遇見一個女醫生。之前的五次都是男醫生但是同是一個人，還是那部門的高級醫生呢！當我懷著感恩的心的時候，我看見從我患病到現在為止，或許我沒有禱告但是上帝還是紀念我，因為他把最好的都給了我。最好的醫生，最好的待遇（開始到現在一分錢也沒花過），最好的人生經驗。我猜我現在擁有的人生經驗是一般女生都不會有，又或許我比他們早經歷了這些。

無論是什麽事，大事小事，上帝都會聆聽，記得要耐心等候！

情人節快樂

預先在這裡祝天下有情人，情人節快樂， 情人節蒙恩 ！
有情人的，要互相愛護；沒有情人的，要更加愛自己 ：）

今年可說是一個很特別的情人節。還是和去年一樣，沒有情人，沒有愛人，只有濃濃的惆悵，憂慮和恐懼。可是讓我憂慮的，不再是他；而是我的複診期。雖然今年還會是一個沒有情人的情人節但是也無所謂，因寂寞而擦出的火花也不能耐久到那裡去。今年我要比往年更愛惜自己！

複診期是到了，我的情況在六個月來還是沒有什麽改善，反而有更嚴重的跡象。體重不再受我的控制，運動節食對它來說什麽影響也沒有，它還是很舒服地維持在高水平。身體系統也開始排折我服用的藥，每重新開始一個療程，前七天我的偏頭痛都會讓我痛得死去活來。這一些到底要到何時才會從我身邊離去？我不會問爲什麽，因為我知道上帝會看顧我。可是每一次複診前后，我都會很難受，我都要不斷提醒自己不可放棄，抓穩上帝，依賴上帝，難關就會過去了；複診一直在循環著。

上帝我求你再一次剛強我，幫助我比上次更依靠你來面對明天的複診。如果可以，我祈求你來醫治我使我不在需要重複的複診。我今年的情人節要與你過，要對你絕對的誠實關於我的感受，因為你是我的依勒，我的尼西，有你在，我有平安， 有喜樂，生命一定會有盼望。

心 - 網上語錄

有一種愛❤，明明是深愛，卻說不出來；

有一種愛❤，明明想放棄，卻無法釋懷；

有一種愛❤，明知是煎熬，卻又躲不開；

有一種愛❤，明知結果是傷痛，心卻早已收不回來......

爱情何尝不是贪婪与恐惧的平衡？

愈想占有，愈容易失去。

爱是尽量占有和尽量避免失去之间的平衡。

失望，有时也是一种幸福，因为有所期待，所以才会失望，

因为有爱，才会有期待，所以纵使失望，

也是一种幸福，虽然这种幸福有点痛。

中国公共关系网www.17pr.com4l })` O c p p B'N

 

不喊痛，不代表不痛；不說，不代表不在乎；

有時候就是因為真的痛、真的在乎才更加沉默。 

再好的男人，都不值得妳傷痕累累地去愛；

因為真正的好男人，不會讓你傷痕累累。

 

有時候躲著，不代表不愛了，而是不想你為難；

有時候沉默，不代表不痛，而是不希望你比我痛；

有時候轉身，不代表我無情，而是不希望讓你看到我掉淚；

有時候等待，不是我傻，而是為了一個曾經編織的夢想.....

 

明白的人懂得放弃，真情的人懂得牺牲，幸福的人懂得超脱。

对不爱自己的人，最需要的是理解、放弃和祝福。

过多的自作多情是在乞求对方的施舍。

爱与被爱，都是让人幸福的事情。

 

很多人，因為寂寞而錯愛了一人，

但更多的人，因為錯愛一人，而寂寞一生。

我們可以彼此相愛，卻注定了無法相守。

不是我不夠愛你，只是我不敢肯定，這愛，是不是最正確的。

寂寞的人總是會用心的記住他生命中出現過的每一個人，

於是我總是不斷地想起你在每個星光隕落的晚上一遍一遍數我的寂寞。

 

有些人會一直刻在記憶裡的，即使忘記了他的聲音，忘記了他的笑容，忘記了他的臉，

但是每當想起他時的那種感受，是永遠都不會改變的。

 

 

「 再好的男人，都不值得妳傷痕累累地去愛；因為真正的好男人，不會讓你傷痕累累。 」中国公共关系网www.17pr.com { T+]�v%? p ~ e0@+E K

疲憊

知道太多不應該知道的事,
是一種累贅...
我心已很疲憊,
可是我無法從我的思緒中出走..

你說知道太多會招來殺身之禍,
當時我只一笑而過...
現在我認同了,
但是那"殺身之禍"不從他人而來,
而是從自己的胡思亂想而來...

The Truth

Howdy, my readers! I am finally back after MIA for 2 weeks! I really had to say sorry about my irresponsibility but do let me talk about the reasons of being MIA for so long time

I have set down a target for myself that I want to more motivated and hardworking than last year. Not to mention about scoring a good GCPA, that is too stressful to me and lost the real fun of studying. I enjoy studying now as it is like solving problems. In Maths and Chemistry, I found great senses of successful when I am able to solve a question and found the required data. For Biology, General knowledge and Muet, it feed me up with information that I used to lack of to really understand about my system, my country as for Muet, to handle and improve my English. So, I spent almost 2 weeks time to have fun with my study. Every afternoon, I will stay back in school for homeworks and then after 2pm, I will move to a teacher’s place continue for group study with Form 6 students from other schools. Sometimes, I will have tuition at night for Maths and Chemistry. These two subjects really need a lot of practices and example to understand how the formulas and graphs work together to give you the data. Therefore, most of my time passed in this way.

Besides of studying, I also look into the problem that bothered me long ago, since last year. I have been realized that I couldn’t fit in my youth fellowship and small group. I thought blindfolding myself and just move on would solve the problem. However, I got even more bothered by it this year. Going to both of that fellowship seem to be a waste of time to me. What is taught in the youth, I have learned it and the topics are almost repeating every year. In the small group, I have no peers to talk to. Mostly are working adults, aged from 26-33. I know I can always talk to them but it is so weird and I am not comfortable to discuss a topic which I think it is matter to me but it is not to my listeners. Seriously, I am in dilemma. If I have choice, I will stop attending both of these fellowship and attend church service only. However, sometimes, people just couldn’t stop asking “why you didn’t come for youth and small group?” I don’t know how to answer them. They won’t have understood if I mention it. Since my last church service, I haven’t been to church for once this year. Going to church look so tiring to me that there are so many questions. I admitted that I look into people more than God.

However, a listened prayer doesn’t need to be repeated and prayed everyday. God has His own timing for everything. It came so perfect that at my deepest depression, desperation and disappointment of myself, God send a person to me. This person has always been there for a year and we used discuss about all sort of religious topics. Just in a coincident of he stayed back to finish his homework like me, we start to talk about religious topics again, I told him how I feel about my church and my growth this year. I couldn’t fit in my church. That was my first word. I realized I have been restless over last year. I am fatigue and I wish to seek for comforts and healing in my church but I found none. I personally emphasized on healing of God comes from Holy Spirit but my church seem to be forbidden to mention about it. I came from an Anglican church and nurtured in a way that the importance Father, Son and Holy Spirit are equal in Christianity. I got so suffered as I always ignored the touches of Holy Spirit to do more for Him. Another word, I fear of the touches of Holy Spirit. Before this, I enjoyed the communion with the Lord by the touch of Holy Spirit and received vision from the Lord. The peek of my relationship with the Lord isn’t these few years but the first few years I am in Anglican Church. This had been always a dirty secret to my church members. For years in my church, I have been praying to the Lord that I want that kind of intimacy relationship with Him once more. I thirsted for Him to be the One who heals me physically as well as mentally. Those are my needs. However, until today, I am still not fulfilled and getting empty and emptier than before.

My classmate offers that I can go to his church to have a look and take a break from my burdens. I don’t know whether his church’s youth fellowship is it able to feed my spiritual need but as I prayed, I found peace. I also discussed with Grace, my mentor from afar (Penang) and who is getting married soon but still make time to reply my mail. She said it is okay for me to go for another fellowship in this situation. However sooner or later, I will face another problem again of choosing between the two churches which one to stay on and serve. This really strikes of thinking about it. How long is the period of time for me to visit another church? Am I going to continue my journey of life without regret after that period of time and back to my own church? And I also take in my emotional as consideration. Did I affected by any emotional reasons or anyone? To this question, what I found is I am getting frustrated and my heart went cold that I don’t want to go church anymore. I take study as my reason to skip church but I know that I shouldn’t be this way.

I told my classmate that I can only confirm him after I discuss with my mentor. It is not just matter to me but matter to him too. He is the youth president of his church. Offering me to a church as a temporary haven and shelter does matter to him and his church too. But oh, I forgotten to ask him to pray for it >,< Since I already discussed with Grace but actually there are still further discussion but that don’t really matter with what I want to say tonight, so, just leave it. I am partially accepted his offer but I can only fully accept his offer by Friday night because he wants me to be really sure that I am free from ministry in Saturday night. He doesn’t want to me make attending youth fellowship as a reason to push away my responsibility. You know, this friend of mine has always been those kind of easy going person but this time, the way he thinks really shocked and he thinks in a way that others don’t. So, that’s what I can conclude why he can be the YOUTH PRESIDENT in his church!

Overall, my MIA are actually caused by 2 reasons only. Study and bothered by spiritual neediness. However, I will continue to MIA until I am able to squeeze sometime for blogging or when I feel like I have something to blog then I will come back. First topical test comes at 22nd Feb. Chemistry paper preparation is the whole book of Physical Chemistry! I am going to die kaokao if I don’t prepare early.

Anyway, Happy New Year to all! Remember to get more Angpau for this year! And the last but not least, take good care of yourself and don’t over eating or drinking until you got ill in this season of welcome the New Year

Second Day of School!

Just got back to school for the second day. Everything still the same. Same teacher, same environment, same lousy toilet and canteen. The difference from this year and last year is I am in a new classroom now. With better wood table and chairs but there is one broken fan in my class which located up at my position! Woah. That was suffering and freaking hot!

Just got our timetable yesterday and I almost faint and saw those classes arranged up to 1.35 hours! Especially Biology and Chemistry. My desire to hate Chemistry is getting strong but my desire to conquer it is even STRONGER than the hate itself. Well, I will conquer it. Believe me. If I really can’t do it, then I will just relax and let go. I don’t think I need Chemistry to feed me up after this.

Tutorial just started today and I think it was good. It helps me get into routine as fast as possible. I have kick-started my plan today. Stay in school after study time until 3pm. This is just for the first week. Starting from second week, I will be having group study at Mr. Tan’s place. I hope it is something good to start and do some preparation for my STPM.

I went to HK forums since last holiday and made lots of good friends there. I just finished chatting with a friend who aged 31, a businessman, a family lover and he is a Gemini! I am freaking oppose of Geminist because of I had some Gemini friends which I can’t understand them, at all. Well, not some, only ONE. This Gemini is leaving me a good impression and he makes me feel so good about myself. What I really want to say about HK guys are they are so generous in giving compliment and they cherish you. Not only guys but girls. Well, if in future, there are chances for me to go overseas, I will choose to go Hong Kong and meet people there.

Finally, a new year means another year of aging. I used to remember how I hate I have to grow up. However, as time passed by, the more experiences I gained, I appreciated God allow me to be alive and experience more and more. Thank You, Lord I might used to hate to be who I am but Lord, I am enjoying it now. I am learning to enjoy it and I see the blessing you give me through friends I just made. Lord, may you continue to bless me and help me to see more and more of your presence in my life (: